Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Republican update

I've been sick all day so there wasn't much to do tonight besides watch TV and the Republican convention. Not sure why I'd torture myself when I already feel like crap...I must be some sort of masochist.

Anyway, a few highlights. There's George P. Bush...dammit, they're never going to run out of them. Of course the Bush twins make the future look a little less bright later on. First, we'll get to Arnold (quotes paraphrased). "It's like winning an Oscar...like I would know." Umm, right, so were you an actor or something? Better drop a few more references just to jog everyone's memory. "One of my movies was called 'True Lies'. They should have called the DNC that." Wow, that's just retarded and makes no sense at all. "Immigrant, blah, blah, American dream to become govehnor of Cal-ee-for-nee-a."

"Back when I was a kid the Soviets were around in Austria. They stopped a car with my dad and uncle in it and this was before I was an action hero. I was scared they were going to take them." Well, I'm sure it's a lot like the Jews felt when your dad was hassling them as a member of the SS. A little historical context about other brutal regimes in Europe during that time period, perhaps?

This is great. Having someone translate Nixon's debate led him to become a Republican and the idiot delegates are cheering like crazy. Did they forget this guy was a crook?

"To those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: "Don't be economic girlie men!"" Yeah, who the hell wants a job to feed their families? Liberal pussies! How dare you question the juggernaut that is this economy???

Anyway, he said a bunch of other crap, a couple of Terminator references, etc. The usual.

Oh hey, here are the Bush twins. Making some jokes about being "youthful and irresponsible". Wow, just like dad. Possibly the most confusing moment of the night comes at the expense of George the I and Barbara Bush who had no clue what the hell they were talking about with the "'Sex and the City' is something married people do but never talk about" line. Some nervous laughter from the delegates who were just slightly less confused with the Outkast lyrics and many other lame jokes. Here comes the flop sweat. "Haha...and who is this Dick Cheney guy?" "When your dad is a Republican and you go to Yale you learn to defend yourself." Right, it must be tough for the Bushes at Yale. "We're not very political but we love our dad." Don't worry, I wouldn't admit to agreeing with any of his moronic policies either. "We start giving foreign policy advice and dad says go talk to Condi." Sort of odd considering it's the secretary of state's job to make foreign policy. So, either Bush doesn't know his own cabinet or Karl Rove and Condi Rice actually does make all the decisions. Oh, they made some joke about doing something on the campaign trail and getting a call from Karl. Somehow I think he can't be too happy with the way this is going.

Here comes W on the screen at a baseball game or something. Unfortunatey no foul balls were hit. Dude can't even introduce his wife without stumbling all over his teleprompter. Am I the only one seeing this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

Whoa, Laura Bush is up but I have to turn it off because her background is giving me some sort of acid flashback or something. I have the feeling this stuff is only going to get better.

Monday, August 30, 2004

Matt Lauer on the Today Show: "Do you believe that the war on terror can be won?"
George W Bush: "No, I don't think the war on terror can be won, but what I believe we can get it to a point where it can be controlled."

Sweet, a perpetual war the government uses to create fear and restrict the rights of its citizens. 2004 is the new 1984.

Get Your War On:
"Oh my God, this War on Terrorism is gonna rule! I can't wait until the war is over and there's no more terrorism!"
"I know! Remember when the U.S. had a drug problem, and then we declared War on Drugs, and now you can't buy drugs anymore? It'll be just like that!"
"Right! God, if only that War on Drugs hadn't been so effective! I could really using some fucking marijuana right now!"

Link of the week


It's like the Onion for sports. Read the article about the Chiefs' fans crippling alcoholic binges referred to as tailgating. A little too close to home for legendary tailgating like at ISU and KC games. Hehe.

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Oh yeah, that's why I hate MTV

For some reason I started watching some of the video awards on MTV tonight.

Jessica Simpson is singing some crappy song and all the little teeny-bopper chicks are waving their cell phones or cell phones that MTV gave them or some other crappy idea. It's incredibly lame. Plus this one girl was crying when the Olson twins came out. Where's the blow, Ashley?

Why do Usher and Little Jon get to perform like thirty songs? That's what's ridiculous.

Why does MTV suck so hard?

Willie and Bob

Just got back from DSM where I went to the Willie Nelson and Bob Dylan show. We started off going to some bar, Johnny's Hall of Fame or something like that. Not a bad place but they needed help for the poor waitress since she was literally running everywhere. Anyway, I started drinking Boulevard and ended up taking three Jaeger Bombs so you can pretty much guess where this story is going. The show was at Sec Taylor stadium and the stage was in center field with a bunch of rubber things to protect the grass. Willie just dominated everyone and played all his great songs so I was really pumped about that. He played for a long time which was cool. By the time Dylan was on I was pretty hammered which was a good thing because I wasn't that impressed by him. He was playing keyboards and singing a bunch of songs that I didn't know. He didn't play any of his classics which is really lame. Anyway, still a good show and Willie made it worth it.

After the show we went to the hotel bar and were drinking with some girls I didn't know but I called Jake and one of the girls wanted to talk to him and we both kept saying "I wish Jake was here" for the rest of the night even though she has no idea who he is. Good times. Someone kept buying bottles of champagne so that was pretty sweet. Then I was outside talking to some dudes and gave a homeless guy 2 bucks since he said he was sleeping under a bridge. Hopefully he bought food with it. Or booze. Either way.

I think somebody punched me in the chest because it's really bruised. Just another UDI (unidentified drinking injury). Now I'm going to sleep all afternoon.

Friday, August 27, 2004

The Karolyi Ranch

Is there anything more sinister than a ranch? Think about it. The Karolyi Ranch brings to mind scary Romanian immigrants screaming at young girls. Neverland Ranch speaks for itself. Bush's Crawford Ranch is the site of an incalculable number of evil decisions. On a side note isn't it disgusting that they have a backdrop that says "Western White House" there? Just stick the real White House and some real work. The Star Wars Ranch is where they came up with the idea to make three more crappy Star Wars movies.

In fact, the only good ranch I can think of is the Ponderosa. But they had Hoss, Little Joe, Ben, Adam. I can't forget about Hop Sing and the white Indians when ridiculous racial stereotypes still had a place outside of Chapelle's Show. These pretzels are making me thirsty.


Olympic quote (courtesy of the Sports Guy):

"You have to tip your hat to her, Svetlana is 24, 25 and is out there starving herself to death, puking her guts out, or whatever she is doing."-- Bela Karolyi on Svetlana Khorkina

Seriously, can someone get this girl a hamburger?

Skipping work

So, I'm skipping work right now but it's really not as irresponsible as it sounds because there's not much to do anyway. My day began with my alarm ringing at 7:45. It takes approximately 9 minutes from my basement door to the parking lot at work so that leaves me about 6 minutes to brush my teeth, get dressed and make my lunch (2 sandwiches, a banana, 3 cookies). Needless to say this doesn't leave much time for laying around in bed thinking about how much I don't want to work today but, that's exactly what I did. So, I roll into work about 8:15 and see my boss drive up as I'm going in the door so I'm cool. I head to the freezer for a few minutes but there really wasn't much I could do until they get the other boxes in there. After some deliberation I decide to grab a Daily and hide out in the bathroom for a while. Fifteen or twenty minutes later I should probably be getting back to work and happen to run into my boss again in the hallway. He tells me his wife made some zuchini bread and it's in the breakroom so I'm golden again. It's about 8:45 and I've done exactly nothing so far.

He gives me a job recounting haploid packets which is pretty boring but easy. Turns out Matt screwed up a bunch of stuff much like he did with the boxes he helped me move yesterday. Good guy but he needs to pay a little more attention to numbers or something. After some other meaningless jobs it's 10:30 and most of my bosses are in a meeting until noon and I have nothing to do so I just decide to leave without telling anybody. I suppose I could go back but I'm pretty comfortable here. Nothing to do now but watch the US suck against Argentina.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Monday, August 23, 2004

"Don't worry Lisa, sports aren't that important."

"Sports sports sports sports sports sports! Today Bart gets to sit up front because he's good at sports."

I've been a little sports heavy with my posts for some of my readers but it's tough not to be with the Olympics and football starting. The Chiefs defense is actually putting some pressure on the quarterback for what seems like the first time ever. It will be interesting to see if they can carry that over the regular season.

In work related news I spent most of the day in the cold room moving boxes of corn. It's not so bad but it sucks being in there because it's really windy and when you pull the boxes off the top shelf they scrape against your chest as you bring them down. This really sucks because my nipples were hard and then they started to get all chafed from the boxes. We'll file that one in the Too Much Information file, I guess?

Seems like I had something else to talk about. Maybe I'll remember later.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Redneck League V

The fifth annual Redneck Fantasy Football League (RFFL) draft occured today. I'm manager of the team currently named "NoPlayoffChokeIn05", a rather optimistic view that the Chiefs won't implode in the playoffs this year like they have nearly every other time they've been there in the last 20 years. I'll take you through my draft with my players highlighted for easy viewing. As if you give a shit.

I drew the 7th pick out of 14 which I thought was a decent spot. Priest goes first, obviously, then Tomlinson and Portis, no big surprises I guess. Then things get a little weird. Mike Vick, Deuce McAllister, Chad Johnson. Chad Johnson? Chad Johnson?? Isn't he going to have a rookie tossing the ball to him this year? Not a very solid use of a first round pick. So, now I'm up and my #3 ranked player, Ahman Green, is still on the board. Nice. Manning and Culpepper go, Randy Moss, a couple more running backs. When did Kevan Barlow get to be so good? I think I picked him up on one of my teams a few years ago in, like, the 10th round. I'm up again with the 22nd pick and take Corey Dillon. An asshole but you don't have to be likeable if you score touchdowns for me. I had him at 19 on my board and I ended up with 2 really good running backs like I wanted. Last year all the first tier was gone before my pick and I pretty much had to take Randy Moss. It screwed up my whole philosophy and my team just never felt right all year.

The Chad Johnson team takes Tony G and Tiki Barber to become this year's Takes Tony Gonzalez Way too Early Guy. Great tight end but it never seems to work out for teams that take him so early. Especially if Chad Johnson is your #1 pick. Speaking of taking tight ends way too early the guy with Michael Vick takes Tampa Bay and Jeremy Shockey. So, not only did you take a TE with your 3rd pick but you took one that has 4 career touchdowns. I don't think we included points for NY media hype this year. Looks like we can scratch another team off the playoff list already. I should also mention that he uses his 4th round pick for David Akers and picks Grammatica in the 10th.

Joe Horn comes to me with my 3rd and I follow up with the teammate combo and Aaron Brooks. I liked this when I had Manning and Harrison and Brooks and Horn just always seem to find a way onto my team. Looking back I may have taken Brooks a little early but with 6 points for passing TDs his stats last year looked a lot better than the other QBs on the board. I pick another receiver in the 5th, Jimmy Smith of the Jags. He's old but if he stays healthy he can improve his 805 yards, 4 TDs last year and Leftwich is getting better too. Ashley Lelie , not only is she a chick but she plays for the Donkos. I feel so dirty. Time for a kicker and Jeff Wilkins kicked a crapload of field goals last year. Marcus Pollard for tight end leads up to my first panic pick.

This happens in the later rounds when you're on the clock looking around at your team and your rankings trying to find anyone that doesn't suck or just had a career ending ACL tear in the preseason game last night. Or you're trying to convince yourself that even though the Bus has had 2 shitty seasons he's bound to turn it around this year. Anyway, I'm looking at whether I should pick a backup QB or RB. Guys like Quentin Griffen and Warrick Dunn are still on the board and there are some decent QBs out there too. Actually, looking at the ones drafted after me there weren't. But I went with Tommy Maddox with 3 seconds left on the clock and immediately felt sick about it. Mr. XFL? Mr. 17 INTs last year? Ugh, at least I only have to play him once. Indy defense, Emmitt Smith, (another pick where I'm just hoping his legs won't fall off before Green's bye week), Terry Glenn, Travis Minor, (surely Miami's o-line opened SOME holes for Ricky). Green Bay D and finished it off with my breakout star Tyrone Calico of the Titans.

My running backs are going to have to carry me but if they stay healthy and Horn and Brooks play well I think I might have a good shot this year. Things are going to suck weeks 8 and 9 when I have 2 big dogs out for the bye week but I'll be alright.

Anyway, this is probably one of the most self-indulgent posts I'll ever make so if you made it this far you truly have no life or are interested in my ideas and wish to subscribe to my newsletter.

Saturday, August 21, 2004

CBS is playing a show called "John Elway: Hall of Famer". Excuse me while I go vomit.

OK, I'm back. Oops, I just saw Team USA brick another three. Back in a second.

OK, that's better.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

My afternoon

I have to say the best part of the afternoon was the fact that I got paid for it. I fell asleep on the way to Des Moines because I seem to wake up every 20 minutes during the nights now. Anyway, I had to listen to some of the guys from work tell stories that were obviously bullshit and really, really boring which sucked. Paintball this, weigh stations that, blah, blah, blah.

We finally get to the zoo and I end up walking around with this same group of guys because the other options are my boss that never talks to me, the asians that I've never talked to in my life, the weird whites I've never talked to in my life (well, I did talk to one dude about Kansas but, like most people, his experience was limited to I-70). So, the zoo is tiny. I mean, it's about the size I would expect for a city quite a bit smaller than Des Moines. Maybe it's just a result of everyone mentioning how great the Omaha zoo is everytime the DSM one is mentioned, sort of the little brother syndrome or something. The best part was clearly the gibbons. I could have sat and watched those guys climb around all day instead of the lion licking his nuts and the giraffes looking bored. Unfortunately, even the gibbons were pretty lazy because of the heat but they still managed to jump to number one on my non-human primate power rankings.

1. Gibbons - Just a lot of fun to watch. Cute little monkeys and they can jump and swing like nobody's business.
2. Spider Monkeys - This comes from a story someone told in high school about going to the zoo and seeing a spider monkey playing with himself. This spawned the phrase "whacking like a spider monkey".
3. Chimps - Possibly overrated but you just can't ignore their outstanding body of work in movies and television. There are few animals that can create a scene as comical as inadvertantly causing something humiliating to happen to a human while covering their eyes with their hands and opening their mouth as wide as it will go. Comedy gold...every time.
4. Gorilla - The badasses of the primate world.
5. Capuchin - The name is as fun to say as they are cute. Tiny little fuckers too.
6. - 12048. Every other primate other than baboons.
12049. Baboons. Ugly as hell. I really hate these things and think we need to get to work on exterminating them. What's up with their bare asses? Seriously!

Monday, August 16, 2004

Prepare for a pride-obliterating bitch slap!

Just wanted to mention how pumped I am that the Mooninites made another appearance on Aqua Teen last night. "I got two forms of ID, suck them both!"

BASF, you magnificent bastards

Today I found out that my company has some outing to the Blank Park Zoo in Des Moines tomorrow and I get paid if I go. So, that's a pretty sweet deal. Instead of getting paid to do some boring job I get paid to look at animals and stuff and let them buy me ice cream afterwards. I rule.

My new neighbors are moving in upstairs which led to the unpleasant discovery of really loud footsteps when they walk around up there but it's nothing I can't handle after living on Welch. It's three girls and they seem nice so far. Possible sorority chicks? We'll see but they seem to think that I have a right to the driveway since I was here first so I'll go ahead and let them think that.

Is it just me or is the US really sucking in the Olympics so far? It used to be we'd dominate the medals but we only have one gold so far? Weak.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

USA Basketball

Just finished watching the US basketball team get destroyed by Puerto Rico?!?! They aren't even a real country and they're kicking our ass? What's up with that, you ask? Well, we have no one that can shoot, no one that wants to play defense, no one that will hustle, and no one that understands that driving uncontrollably into the lane and throwing up a prayer will not get you two free throws like the NBA. Whoever put this team together was more interested in selling LeBron and Carmelo Team USA jerseys than making a decent team. Half the team is slashing small forwards with no outside shot allowing every team to pack everybody into that massive lane. They were like 3 for 25 from 3 point land today so there's no need for anybody to actually guard the perimeter because it's better to let them chuck shot after shot from out there. It's 20 freaking feet to the three point line. We can't find anybody on this team that can hit a 20 foot shot?

Also, is it too much to ask to get a point guard that can actually run an offense instead of looking to create for himself? Arroyo embarrassed Billups and Marbury today, two guys who are designed to score points and not get their teammates involved. I was actually rooting against the US today because they need to be humiliated so the organizers realize that sending the B-team all-stars isn't going to cut it. Yeah, a team with the very best players probably would have done better but if they aren't going to play picking the next guy down on the list isn't the best option. Having a "full-time" national team of guys outside of the NBA might work better if they played as a team and were more suited for the international game. Or, pick guys that will do the dirty work for the team even if they don't have a name. A role player that will knock down the open three or do nothing but play hustle defense and rebound. At least then we might be able to watch some good basketball if we're going to lose.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004

News Item of the Day


A guy from Nebraska weighed over 1,000 pounds and lost 321 pounds so far and wants to drop another 450. His story totally kicks more ass than Jared or any of those low-carb freaks. The funniest line in the article is this:
A group known as the League of Human Dignity helped arrange for Deuel to be
driven to a local livestock scale, where he could be weighed.
A group whose name includes "Human Dignity" is weighing this guy on a livestock scale? Where's the dignity in that? The next funniest item is that his biggest goal is to go to a Cornhuskers game. For some reason I think he'd fit right in with the other 500 pound lardos that cheer for them.

But, all joking aside it is pretty impressive. It would probably be a lot easier to just sit there deep fat frying cheetos while you wait for the inevitable heart attack. OK, that was my last joke. It's not nice to make fun of people with health problems.

Sunday, August 08, 2004

I see that I already regaled you with the tale of my new couch despite the fact that I didn't think it went through when I originally posted. Ah well.

what a fucking douchebag...

Two items tonight:

The first is a discussion that Jake and I had after Angela objected to his usage of the word "douchebag". Many females seemingly dissaprove of this word for reasons that may seem obvious to them but can be confusing to males who regularly refer to "cocks", etc. with little problem. It's tough for some males to stop using this word around those who cringe upon hearing it because it is such a perfect word to describe a person or behavior. The word automatically conveys a specific image in the listener's mind that can be much more difficult with what I would call a "lesser word".

I contend that few words in the English language roll off my tongue easier than "fucking douchebag". (Another post could be written on the gratuitous use of the many forms of "fuck" as an adjective/noun in the college culture but I'll stay out of that for now.) My point is that "douche" can be very effective in portraying certain traits that are far from desirable and, while offensive to some, should be used freely by those who feel it necessary to characterize it.

My second point is a tale of serendipty choosing to smile upon me. I had begun to fret about the seating situation in my new apartment as I have a lot of space to fill and my futon has decided to start popping welds all over the place. As I was returning to the No Fun Zone on Welch I noticed a quintessential "college" couch sitting by the sidewalk on Sheldon, i.e. dirty and made from a flower print straing from the 70's sporting a "free" sign. It would fit in perfectly with my Walt Whitman waterfall painting and other mismatched lowrider furniture.

Unfortunately, my car is not designed with moving couches in mind, Bonfig was at work rendering his Ranger unusable, and Jake's pickup had seemingly bit the dust, much to the thanks of anyone that lived within earshot of anywhere between work and our apartment (meaning half of Ames). I wrote off the loss of the couch as just another disappointment in my generally unlucky life but things were about to change. After a trip to the bank to cash another fat paycheck Jake decided to try starting his pickup again and it seemed to be back to its old deafening self and not dying at every drop in the RPMs. After a brief conference we determined to attempt a pickup of the couch. The couch passed the initial smell test and within minutes I was the proud owner of someone else's refuse. It's another lowrider like my other furniture and I'm considering implementing some cinderblocks underneath if for those that don't enjoy the slouching comfort like I do but overall I have to say that it's a rousing success.

Well, that's about all I have tonight and Pa Combs is coming at noon tomorrow to help me move so I'll end it here. Good night, now.

Friday, August 06, 2004


Just when my concern about my seating arrangements in the new apartment serendipity chose to smile on me in the form of a series of happy occurances. I happened to notice a couch sitting on the sidewalk of Sheldon with a big "FREE" sign attached to it but with no method to transport it I assumed it would remain an unattainable dream. Fortunately, Jake decided to try his pickup and it actually started and ran at a mere ear-splitting volume instead of instantly deafening. The couch passed the smell test and is now resting in my new apartment. It's even a low-rider to keep with the general theme of all my furniture.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

My Life in the Basement

I'm starting a blog to report on what happens to me during my year living by myself in this basement. Basically, I'm going to write a bunch of shit like what I do and stuff that sucks. Original idea, I know. Anyway, it's really just a way to alleviate some of my boredom and let you know how much I rule. If it's boring then go read Horv's because it's better.