Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Driving blows

Well, I'm back in the sleepy little burg that is Ames in the summer after much travelling. There's nothing quite like driving at least 7 hours 4 out of 5 days during Memorial Day weekend traffic. I think my totals for the trip include 259 polics cars, 100,000 acres of wheat, and 6,738 dead deer on the side of the road. I mean, if you're a deer and you see half of your friends get mauled a semi going 80 mph don't you think you'd figure out that the road isn't the place for you?

Anyway, I'm driving home late Thursday night and I'm kind of zoning out like I normally do (I think I was listening to the Royals lose or that awesome conspiracy theory radio show that's on AM late at night) when I realize that there are deer standing in the other lane. I don't even have time to hit my brakes and I'm already by them just about looking right into their eyes. So, a few hours later I'm on Highway 50 and almost the same thing happens. Goddamn deer. You may be thinking that that's a slightly interesting happening but the best part is yet to come. I'm turning onto Highway 61 just a mere 15 miles or so from my house and I see something else in the road but this time it's not deer.

Holy shit, It's a fucking horse. There it is, 1:00 in the morning and this stupid horse is walking towards me in the other lane. I slam on my brakes and he decides not to run into my lane. So, I pull off and get out to try to get this horse off the road but he doesn't have a bridle on or anything so I'd basically have to try to push him off the road until I figure out whose horse this is. I decide that won't work at all so I'm back at the car trying to call the police when I see a car whiz by going the other direction. Whoops, hope he sees this horse before it's on his lap. I'm watching with a sort of twisted anticipation mixed with dread for the inevitable accident but he manages to hit his breaks and skid away from the horse. Once he got his car turned around he was signaling other cars with his lights to help so I decided to just let him deal with it and went home. I drove by the next day and didn't see a half ton of bloated horsemeat in the ditch so they must have figured something out.

Colorado Springs was pretty cool as it's right on the edge of the Rockies and Pikes Peak loomed over our hotel. The wedding was a good time but there was a lack of rice throwing although I did hear stories about some rice smearing on the Hunan door after his bachelor party.

I end up at the closest table to the bar (did you expect anything else?) to take advantage of what I thought was free beer and wine until it ran out. Turns out that it was a full open bar for the first hour so most of the Bethel College people and Veronica and I and some of my friends from high school start slamming down every top shelf drink we could think of. There were some people that would order their drink and head right to the end of the line. The bartender was telling them that they might need to slow down while she filled their long island glass to within an inch of the top with booze. One of the girls ordered a drink right before they started the prayer and the bartender kept making it, even whispering "do you want more tequila in that?". Needless to say things were getting fairly wild by the time we made it back to the hotel (after a stop at the liquor store). Things get a little fuzzy by that point but I do remember some of the groomsmen jumping into the pool in their tuxes and the hotel clearing about 50 or so of us from around the pool at about 1 or 2.

The best part of the next morning is that my mom wanted me to drive the first part of the trip. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I was probably still drunk but she complains enough about my driving anyway that I'm sure she didn't notice.

The reunion yesterday was pretty uneventful. I made the mistake of eating way too much before the basketball game so I was content to chill at the three point line for most of it. Of course, when my 13 or so year old 5' 6" cousin was guarding me I didn't mind abusing him in the post for a few buckets. Since I'm out of college I was promoted to the "men's team" (old guys) that beat the "boys" (high school) twice. The kids may be able to do things like jumping and running but they can't run a pick and roll or dominate the boards.

But, that's about all I have. Work is about to screw me over by only letting me work half days for a while. I guess it's time to step up the amount of office supplies I steal. Anyone interested in buying some black market corn genes?

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Lord, I was born a ramblin' man

Lots of traveling for your fearless basement dweller this week. I left town last Friday for Kansas to attend my sister's graduation. Rachel was the star of the weekend as her professors raved about her to my parents. Way to go, sis. She's well on her way to becoming gainfully employed and a worthwhile contributor to society as a whole. Me, on the other hand? Tomorrow I'm going to be going into a field with a pitchfork to break up the soil so the corn can break through. Yes, the world of corn research isn't always as exciting as they portray it in the media.

This weekend I'm off after the end of my three-day work week to head back to Kansas to meet up with my mom so I can hitch a ride in her car to Colorado for a wedding. As Paul said, "what do you do at Baldy's wedding? Ya throw rice." And there are only a select few of you that were there at Hunan's in that fateful night when a fight nearly broke out over rice in a guy's fro. Good times.

After the wedding I'll be headed to the ever-burgeoning metropolis of Norway, Kansas (population 10, 15?). Norway consists of the gym that our reunion will take place at, a closed church, a closed post office, a grain elevator, and a few houses. I'll be there to eat some food and dominate my cousins in basketball. Sure, three of them are running in the state track meet this weekend but they're still in high school and shorter than I am. Plus, I've already developed a fairly advanced "old man" game. You know, those little tricks that your dad used on you. I learned a lot about this from guarding Swany in the post.

One of his best moves is the shoulder drop during the turn into the post. If you have a size advantage and correctly execute the maneuver you will know it because your defender will be sent sprawling out of bounds and you will be utilizing your two inch vertical to lay the ball in the basket. Some other quality moves include the feet shuffle, any of the grab/push up moves on rebounds, or the cherry pick. Master these and you'll get yourself a few cheap baskets and maybe not be sucking too much wind at the end of the game. I will also not be ashamed to steal the ball from my high school aged girl cousin...if I can. I'm just hoping for a few buckets and rebounds to show up my other cousins. Like a leper in a porno theater, I think I can pull this off.*

Been there, done that. That reminds me of the days when "eight to the gate" turned into "four to the door" turned into, holy shit, I'm still drunk and talking to my boss.

I'm kind of backing off my Shaq for MVP thing. I don't really like Shaq and he was hurt too much. There just really wasn't anybody that stood out for me. I do like Steve Nash though, he's a great player and wasn't afraid to speak out against the war which was cool. Too bad the Suns are done in the playoffs. The Spurs are so damn boring. I'm not sure I could name anyone on their team besides Ginobli and Duncan. I'd like to see Miami play them I guess because I like Dwyane Wade. But, like, Paul Shirley, I really hate typing that name.

Jerry Rice signed with the Broncos in an attempt to continue playing for every team that I hate.

*not a bcombs original

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Wear red

British researchers have found that teams or individuals wearing red have higher winning percentages than those in other colors. They compare this to the color red being indicative of aggressiveness or sexual health/male dominance in the animal kingdom. I think this is pretty clear considering that the Cyclones and Chiefs both wear red and their championship records are impecable. OK, well, at least ISU has some basketball hardware. Oh, and a North Division co-champion trophy to display.

I think that Mike Ditka in Kicking and Screaming was the best sports cameo in a movie since Kareem in Airplane! (Kareem also gave a lesser-known great perfomance as a blind kung fu master in a bruce lee movie I caught on cable once). He seriously did a great job in a great part for him. It's hard to imagine that they originally wanted John McEnroe or Brian Boitano for the part. Boitano? Are you trying to destroy the movie? Ugh. I just remembered that hockey player Cam Neely was Sea Bass in Dumb and Dumber. Kick his ass, Sea Bass!


Soccer fans in Greece threw tear gas containers into the other team's locker room proving that soccer fans are still hardcore. Or that Ames PD is on vacation in Europe.

In the spirit of graduation here are some celebrity commencement speech titles. Congrats, now good luck finding a job in the real world.

Sunday, May 08, 2005

Steve Nash

Since when can white guys be the MVP of the NBA? I mean, Bird retired like 15 years ago. Not the mention the fact that he's Canadian. Am I in Bizarro World when a white Canadian is the most valuable player in the NBA, known for tats and gangstas? Anyway, I like the way he plays but if you were playing a pickup game for $100 and could take Shaq or Steve Nash who would it be? Sure, some might say that Nash could distribute the ball better but wouldn't it be easier to throw a lob to Shaq and watch him dunk the ball 15 straight times, collect 10 rebounds and 5 blocks and buy a case a beer with your money? Exactly.

Friday, May 06, 2005

Ladies and Gentlemen, whatever dignity remained in boxing is literally flying out the window

Fox New Reporter.

Marquette student protest one of the worst nicknames ever. Marquette Gold? Are they kidding? I mean, teams in the WNBA are laughing at that one. Nicknames need to have an "s" at the end (unless you are a team I cheer for i.e Jazz), it's a rule. Why the hell would you want to be Gold anyway? Why not just be Iron or Einstienium? You suck, Marquette. Diener will kick you in the face.

The Kansas Board of Education is continuing to make it more and more difficult to maintain that I received a quality education in the state by holding what amounts to a Kangaroo Court on whether the schools should continue to teach evolution or add the trojan horse of Creationists, "Intelligent Design" to the curriculum. Thank you for debating something that should have been decided in the 1930's. The sooner these religious people accept the fact that science has a pretty good record vs. religion in the last 1000 years the better off we'll all be. Teaching evolution will not make your kids raving atheists but not teaching evolution could make them look like morons if they ever end up at a college. Is there a legitimate reason that having Christian beliefs and a belief in evolution have to be mutually exclusive.

The actual proposal state that alter the definition of science, not limiting it to theories based on natural explanations. AHHH! I'm freaking out, man! They're basically admitting they just want to destroy science as an actual science. Dammit, Kansas, get your shit together. Here is a great commentary on it from my favorite political blog, the Daily Kos.

"My problem with this debate is that this isn't about being pro-religion or anti-religion or faith-neutral; it's about institutionalizing stupidity as a valid lifestyle choice."

This guy is right on, they don't understand and don't want to take the time to do it so they want to get rid of it. Beware, calculus is next. Just look at when someone in Indiana proposed to officially make pi equal to 3.2 because the Bible said it was.

Pat Robertson believes that an active judiciary is more of a threat than Nazism or terrorism. Those damn judges trying to uphold the law. It would be a lot easier if they would just get the hell out of the way and let us set up our theocracy.

Laura Bush made a joke about her husband jerking off a horse. "I'm proud of George. He's learned a lot about ranching since that first year when he tried to milk the horse. What's worse, it was a male horse." At least we have those family values Republicans in power. Bestiality is always funny.

A Pennsylvania congressman is allegedly having an affair with this woman. She called police from his apartment saying that he was choking her. His story was that he was merely giving her a backrub. Yeesh. If you're rich and a politician try to have some class with your affairs. Remember the days of JKF banging Marilyn Monroe? Now we have pigs slurping up Clinton and this congressman guy banging the Riverview Trailor Park Skank of the Year from 1987.

A local radio Limbaugh wanna be was bitching about Ethos magazine, a student funded and produced magazine at ISU because a sex column discussing spitting vs. swallowing, queefs, and nibbling before sex. Get a life, dude. Most people here believe in something about free speech and stuff. Not like this stuff should even be considered for censoration (I think I made this word up. Time to call Webster's to get it in there). It's an advice column answering real questions that students asked! These neo-Puritans (I think I made that up too but I kind of like it) won't rest until all discussion of sex is eliminated. Also, the missionary position will be the only sexual activity permitted and only twice a year.

Well, I've pretty much pissed off anyone on the religious right so it must have been a successful post.