Tuesday, June 28, 2005

Fetus and Jesus

Here's a funny piece by Larry David. My favorite part:
(Republicans) love that fetus. The fetus and Jesus. Sounds like a comedy team. “Ladies and gentlemen, give a warm welcome to Fetus and Jesus…”

Friday, June 24, 2005


Timmy came up big when it counted and won the game for the Spurs. I take credit for inspiring him to victory.

It's hot as hell in the basement right now. I've got some hot air trapped in here and I can't get it aired out when it's 95 damn degrees outside. Come on, this is Iowa in June, can we at least keep it in the 80's?

Karl Rove is still a douche.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Game 7, bitches

I predicted after the first four games that this was going to be the most boring 7 game series ever and it's well on its way to that. There's been one awesome game, one decent game, and four that I didn't watch.

Tim Duncan, I called you a pussy because you suck in the clutch. You haven't shown up all series and you won't tonight because you're a huge pussy, pussy. Instead of crying just step to the line like a man and knock down a free throw.

The Pistons have about 200 times more heart than San Antonio does but it's going to be tough to win another game 7 on the road. Ah, what the hell, you know San Antonio's going to choke. They start a french dude! And someone from wherever Tim Duncan's from. Not sure where that is but he's still a huge pussy. I'm calling my shot and taking Dee-troit Basket-ball! OK, that phrase needs to stop.

But, seriously, let's take a look at the rosters and tell me if you would trust this person in the clutch.

Rip Hamilton - The guy is nails and he wears a mask just like Lambier did back in the day so there is some karma there.
Chancey Billups - On his way to his second straight NBA Finals MVP. Clutch.
Tayshaun Prince - The weak link? He always seems like he's got a dribble of piss running down his leg but he has made some big shots.
Sheed- The dude's crazy but he's going to make plays tonight.
Big Ben - Disappears at time but he's a gamer and will thrive tonight.
Darko - Bwahhaha. I'm guessing that they might wish they had Dwyane Wade on this team about now.

Manu Ginobli - A good player but dude, where's my Argentinian? He really needs to bring it.
Tony Parker - He's French and spending too much time blowing kisses to Eva Longoria. Of course, I'd be too busy to show up to the game if I was with her.
Bruce Bowen - He'll play some D tonight, will he play O?
Tim Duncan- Pussy.
Nazr Mohammed - I forgot he was still in the league.
Robert Horry - He will have to carry the team again or they will lose. Simple as that. Take the big pussy on your back and carry your team to the win, Bobby.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

OK, I have some questions...

When did Al Michaels turn orange? I haven't seen anyone that color since Lindsey Lohan figured out she could be tan without heading to Sherwin Williams.

Is Tim Duncan a huge pussy? He's something like 1-8 in this quarter from the free throw line and everytime he's up there it looks like he's about to start crying. Tim, man up and hit one, stop pouting. It hurts to say this because he seems like he's probably the nicest guy in the league. Someone like Ben Wallace should be able to abuse him all game until he chokes in the 4th quarter. And he just missed a tip-in at the buzzer.

Is this "Tim Duncan never won a title without David Robinson" thing just about the biggest piece of crap ever? David Robinson never won shit until Duncan was there and by that point the Admiral was a decent player but by no means the force he once was. Just because he hasn't aged a day since he turned 18 doesn't mean his skills didn't diminish.

Do I need to make up questions when I just want to make an observation here? No. Robert Horry is such a clutch player. Obviously this has been discussed a lot before but he's always going to make that big shot, even if it is usually against teams I'm cheering for. I still can't believe that three he hit against Sacramento a few years ago when he played on those LA teams I despised. Plus, he just skied and dunked over Rip Hamilton. I wasn't even sure Horry could dunk when he was with the Rockets. Oh, I think it's a law that I have to make a Will Smith reference when talking about Horry. Wicka wicka wild wild west.

Tim Duncan. Missing shots, turning the ball over, missing a lot of free throws. Huge pussy.

Is there any other city that loves its own and thrives on its reputation more than Detroit. I mean, the Pistons may as well have been the city in the Bad Boy years as well as this blue-collar grind it out team. I mean, they play that "goin' to work" whistle all the time, are always doing that "Deee-troit Basket-ball" thing with their announcer (who has to be one of the best in the league. "B-B-B-B-B-BEN W-W-WALLACE"). Every time they have the series they are bringing back Motown guys to sing the national anthem, Kid Rock to sing America the Beautiful because he can't hit the notes in the Star Spangled Banner. When is Eminem going to do some raps from 8-Mile at halftime?

This just in. Robert Horry is God. How is it possible you could forget about this guy throwing the ball in. Unbelievable. There's no way that's how Larry Brown wanted that defended. 18 points in the 4th and OT and 5-6 from three. Wow.

Detroit gets off a crappy shot and San Antonio is about to win another title. Damn, that would have been cool to see this thing go 7 if the next few games were going to be like this.

Will Smith is giving the post game interview. Tim Duncan stole Tiger Woods' voice and boring personality. "Well, I'm hitting the ball well and I'm putting well. Well, I'm hitting the ball great and putting well. I'm feeling good out there, hitting the ball well. Putting well too. Nike."

Although I was cheering for Detroit, suck it. I still hate Lambier.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

One more shoutout

I gave a shoutout to Rachel in my previous post but I thought that the Royals deserved a little love as well. Yeah, I know they're still about 100 games back but they are actually playing decent ball with the new manager. They have a 10-4 record under Bell which is 2 more wins than Pena had before he resigned. Suddenly, it seems like they might be able to play close to .500 ball next year and be for real in the year after that with all of the young talent they have. Sure, I've thought that before but they actually managed to get Jose Lima a win, and he only gave up 1 earned run. He's been giving up twice that before he gets his first out! But, yeah, props to KC for realizing they can play good baseball and they don't have to lose every single one-run game.

I'm not out of order! You're out of order! THE WHOLE DAMN SYSTEM IS OUT OF ORDER!

That's it, I've had it. Well, actually, I've had it a long time ago but I'm putting up with it for a while longer.

Iowa's Chuck Grassley is one of 15 senators that won't co-sponsor an apology for not enacting anti-lynching legislation many years ag. Sure, it's a minor, somewhat meaningless gesture but I just wonder why he wants to kill black people. Care to answer the question, Senator? I'm reminded of the words on the "Home of Chuck Grassley" sign in New Hartford after Zach and Kandi changed it. "Fuck Grassley"

1,567 of the 1706 US soldiers to die in Iraq have died since Bush flew onto the aircraft carrier and gave his douchebag speech under the "Mission Accomplished" banner. Whoops. I guess Mission Over in 10 Years would have been more appropriate. It pisses me off that so many people have died because these guys had such a hardon for playing war and using it for their own political gain. There's a special place in hell for assholes like this.

I came home from work to find that they had just announced the Michael Jackson verdict. They showed the crowd of losers standing outside celebrating. The first thing I saw was a middle-aged woman weeping while she released a white dove from a cage. Nice to see that the Christian symbol of peace and God's promise has now been reduced to celebrating the acquital of a pop star on molestation charges. I mean, seriously, get a fucking life. You wait outside the courtroom for days with your damn dove just to celebrate that this pervert got off on his charges. Ugh, and I wonder why the WHOLE DAMN SYSTEM IS OUT OF ORDER!

They released the autopsy results from Terri Schiavo. You last remember her from her braindead shell of a body being plastered on TV every 5 minutes while Republicans attempted to gains some political capital from her condition. Well, turns out her brain had been reduced to half the normal size with no chance of ever recovering. Her vision and cognitive centers were completely destroyed meaning she couldn't see anything and she was not aware of her condition at all (thank God). But, but...wait! Senate Majority Leader Dr. Bill Frist diagnosed that she must have been looking at that balloon from watching an hour of videotape. I'm sure that's exactly how they teach them to do it in medical school. No need to actually see a patient to make those kind of statements. Of course, this is also the guy that insists that it's possible to get the HIV from sweat and tears despite whatever those Liberal Commie bastards at the Center for Disease Control. Why the hell do these pinko libs insist on using things like "science" and "medicine" to disagree with all my preconceptions in the world.

I'm sure all those right-wing douchebag radio hosts will apologize for insinuating and stating that Michael Shiavo was abusing his wife when it turns out there was no abuse. Nope. The one that I heard pretended he didn't say anything on that issue and acted slightly outraged that others might. WHAT? I listened to you bash this guy for months stopping just short of the image of him doing a dance on her lifeless body while he beat her for old time's sake.

Once again, these Republican politicians and media blowhards jump into a situation without any clue of the reality on the ground. If we say the Iraqi people will greet us as liberators there's no need to create a post-war plan. If we say Terri Schiavo is alert she's using her half-brain playing Scrabble when the doctors aren't there. If we say there's a social security crisis then give us all your money and trust us that it's better for all of you. If we say the insurgency is in "its last throes" (Dick Cheney) and "more insurgency attacks means we're winning" (W Bush) then it must be true. Have another round of Kool-Aid and then it's to the cliffs, fellow lemmings. Oh yeaaaaaah!

Hey, in good news, my sister Rachel got a great job today in Lawrence, KS. She's making some solid money in the city she wanted to live in working at a job she's really excited about doing so it couldn't have worked out better for her. She's worked really hard and knows her stuff which shows when she's one of, if not the only, employee doing this job without her master's degree. Nice job, Rachel. Maybe the whole damn system isn't quite out of order.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Tecmo Super Bowl

Clearly this was the ultimate football game of our youth. I remember when a friend of mine brought it over to the house for the first time and I pretty much lost it with excitement. I was only ten and had no idea but I'm pretty sure I shot it all over the screen. Jokes about childhood orgasms, this site is going downhill fast. I think the feds are at my door right now.

But, as soon as I saw my parents I begged them to get me this game as I went on and on about how realistic it was and how there were animation scenes that looked like the actual players. Remember, this was the time when previous football games had a line of guys that you moved forward to try to block and you had pretty much one choice: run or pass. So, a game that included real teams and real players in something that resembled live action was a glimpse of the future for this ten year old. What was great about this game is that it lived on well into my college years as I'd play it on my emulator or against the other guys on the dorm. We'd reminisce about our favorite players while playing through a season and even creating the ever-popular "Tecmo Super Bowl Drinking Game"

Most of my memories obviously revolved around the Chiefs which featured some of the most dominant players in video game history. I can remember touchdown runs where it seemed that Christian Okoye knocked down all eleven guys has he chugged his way to the endzone. If he didn't have at least three or four touchdowns a game it was a poor performance. I had two plays for Okoye, an off tackle run to the left and a sweep to the right. Inside-outside, thunder and lightning all wrapped up in one beast of a man.

His dominance also allowed me to use him as a decoy which allowed little-known Stephone Paige to rewrite the receiving record books year after year. If I needed a first down I knew that the defense would be looking for the Nigerian Nightmare and Stephone would be wide open on that ten yard in route out of the shotgun. Throwing the ball was the ever-popular Steve DeBerg, whom I will always picture standing on the sideline in the same yellow and red Zubaz hat that I had. My other receiving threats included one of the fastest white guys in the league, Rob Thomas (oh, you're so smooth) and red zone target tight end Alfredo Roberts.

What Christian Okoye was to the offense, Derrick Thomas was to the defense. (Bonfig, insert tree joke here. Classless.) The only player that might have been faster to the quarterback was Lawrence Taylor. DT could not be stopped and easily averaged 3 or 4 sacks a game. He was so good that he would fly around his guy on the end and have the sack before the QB had even dropped back. He would go right through the guy without even going to the ground. The whole play took about a second and Thomas never touched the ground. Plus, you can't mention Derrick Thomas without talking about how he blocked almost every field goal and extra point. He was so quick that he usually tackled the holder before the kick was even up. It was an easy way to steal some extra points if it was going to be a close game. What a game changer. Too bad he was even quicker when he drove into that tree, right Bonfig? Douchebag.

On the other side of the line was Neil Smith, another fearsome player. The linebacking core was solid with run-stopper Dino Hackett. I usually played him in running situations where I didn't think they were going right up the middle. When I sniffed out a formation that said they were running the dive I would get my man Dan Saleamua to clog up the middle for no gain. OK, you can tell I loved this game when I named ever one of those players except for the tight end off the top of my head. I mean, these guys retired 10, 12 years ago but I can still remember them all. Bill Maas, Percy Snow, Todd McNair, Tim Grunhard, Nck Lowery, Deron Cherry, Kevin Porter.

During the course of the season there was always one game where the computer would decide to screw you just about every play. They picked your play on every key down and their guys were damn near untacklable. For me and my Chiefs this game almost always happened against the Raiders. Not only were their two running backs, Bo Jackson and Marcus Allen, nearly unstoppable anyway but there was no way the computer was letting you tackle them today. I'd have them back up third and 26 from their goalline and one of those guys would break it, almost without fail, while I cursed at the screen and mashed my B button trying to break through the blocks.

As much as I hated them the Raiders were fun to play with because of these guys but my favorite non-Chiefs team had to be the Oilers. They were in the midst of their run and gun years with Warren Moon. All you had to do was run a pass play just about every down and have Moon run back twenty yards or so to effortlessly toss a 90 yard bomb to Jeffries, Givens, or Hill, it didn't matter which one.

One of my favorite parts of the game were the animation shots of things that really happened. The Walter Payton high fives, the spikes, LT pissing on Mark Rypien, all kinds of the things. The halftime shows were also awesome and you always wanted the one where the cheerleader with the cleavage blew a kiss to you and they paused it when the wind blew the other cheerleader's skirt up. Whoo, computer soft-softcore!

Well, anyway, I started thinking about all of this because one of the links on the Sports Guy's ESPN site was dedicated to this game. It has some strategy (some of it correct and some of it not, in my opinion) and some decent articles. Anyway, there are some interesting things in there and even a few that I didn't know.

Speaking of video games maybe I should write about the time that Swany and I completed the perfect season in NBA Jam TE with Golden State. Googs and Spree approached Okoye and Thomas levels that year. Tap R Tap R!

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Howard Dean

I've never been a big Dean fan and was really happy to see him get smacked down in Iowa a few years ago (although part of that was seeing Ugly Engineering Girl in her Dean Precinct Captain shirt). I wasn't very happy to see him win the Democratic Party chairmanship although I did think that some serious changes needed to be made. Since then he's always seemed to get in his own way and trip himself up trying to tell a joke or make a valid point by making it in the most ineloquent way. However, many major Republicans have gotten away with these things for years and the key is for the rest of the party to just ignore it and pretend it never happened and everyone forgets about.

However, in Howard Dean's case there is a segment of turncoat Democrats blasting this guy for saying that the Republicans are "mainly a white, Christian party." Well, white Christians make up 69% of the population and 81% of the Republican party (I think it was around 59% for Democrats). I'd say he has a point. Now, it's absolutely valid to say that the Republicans aren't as open to diversity as the Democratic party but I wish he could have found a way to say that without seemingly alienating a group (Christian, so-called "values voters") in the very time they are trying to connect with them. Many of these people already feel that the Democrats are "anti-religion" despite the fact that they probably agree with most of the Democratic planks.

These Washington Democrats have abandoned the key causes that helped build this party in an effort to chase the corporate dollars that they've used to get them elected and Dean isn't one to kowtow to these people. They've bought into the Republican line that Dean is a disastor for the Dems and it will never end well even though they want him there for a long time. Do you think they actually mean this? Sure guys like Hannity love playing his quotes out of context and blasting him for it but most people can see that he is telling the truth and presenting voters with a clear opposition to the Republican agenda, and especially the sinking ship that the Bush administration is becoming, is easily the best strategy to make major gains in Congress and hopefully the presidency in 2008. If these people really thought that Howard Dean was not a threat they would be keeping their mouth shut but they know that being Repub Lite is, and always will be, a losing Democratic strategy on a national level.

Anyway, that was a really long intro to bring up an awesome Dean quote from tonight. Dick Cheney said that Dean was "over the top" on Fox News today and a reporter asked him to respond. He said, "My view is FOX News is a propaganda outlet for the Republican Party and I don't comment on FOX News."

Nice. I'm pretty sure the Hannity outrage level just hit red.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Do not fuck with the Des Moines PD

I've been meaning to get this story up but have been pretty busy the last few days. OK, I was busy drinking but busy nonetheless. So, the Des Moines Police have already shot quite a few people this year over various stuff and they're kind of starting to get a reputation. Then, one of the funniest/ridiculous shootings ever took place this week.

A mentally ill man was seen spray painting various phrases on his pickup, including "Police Academy 7". The cops tried to talk to him and he allegedly grabbed for a toy gun and they killed him. The shooting was especially unfortunate before his lawsuit seeking $3 trillion dollars from some people in Des Moines could be heard. I just really want to know the secret message he was trying to send by alerting us to Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow. The world will never know.

Monday, June 06, 2005

I like mashed taters

Hola, muchachos.

Should the Belgians be forced to apologize when they were right on the money? He's sort of like a cross between Potter and a conehead wearing a bad wig. He's certainly a lot closer to Harry Potter than Kirk Hinrich was. I always that he was more of a dead-ringer for the kid in those Mazda commercials. Zoom zoom!

Why would you fuck with Maximus? You're lucky he didn't grab a sword from under the bed and cut the heads off of every employee in the hotel before any of them could even scream.

He'll never learn unless you rub his face in it.

I'm looking forward to all the hyperbole surrounding Dwyane Wade playing injured tonight. I always liked that Willis Reed clip so any excuse to show it is good enough for me even if Wade is given to receiving (given to receive, does that make any sense?) a lot of hype this postseason. I've been laughing at the stuff Bill Simmons has been saying about the comparisons to Jordan followed by guys saying he's way overrated. It's only his second year, give the kid a chance to breathe.

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Walker, Texas Ranger

Just those three words are enough to conjure an image in the mind of the archetypal man. A belief in what's right, athletic prowess, a cunning wit, rugged good looks, the ability to subdue as many as six evil rednecks with your karate. Walker, Texas Ranger (W, TR) has it all. With his partner, James "Jimmy" Trivette by his side W,TR has taken on and defeated some of the most ruthless and diabolical criminal minds the Lone Star State has ever seen. From drug runners to kidnappers, racists to domestic abusers, murderers to cattle rustlers and even computer programs gone haywire, W, TR has used his talents to kick their asses.

Among the most formidible of his skills is his karate. The most fearsome weapon in his arsenal of punches and kicks is the spin kick. W, TR uses the spinning motion to gain speed and power behind his already lightning quick and mighty jolts. This action is surprisingly effective in disarming his opponents by kicking the knife, gun, pipe, or any other weapon they choose to use right out of their hand. However, the spin kick is more commonly known as W, TR's finishing move. After absorbing so many of W, TR's blows the criminal is often left stumbling around in a daze alerting W, TR that the time for the knockout blow is nigh. A spin kick to the head will send even the most worthy of foes tumbling over a fence or wall into a swamp or even off of a building. The severity of the fall often depends on the severity of the crime committed. A lower-level henchman will typically fall into a pond while the Mexican drug lord that abused his grandmother and killed the single mother of the good-hearted kid next door will be sent on a slow-motion trip off the rood of a high-rise viewed from several different angles while W, TR stoically stares on with the knowledge that justice was done on this day.

When W, TR isn't focusing his steely gaze on his vanquished foe he is making use of his trademark witty, deadpan banter. Take a look at this exchange taken from the IMDB.com memorable quotes page.

Mexican: This is Mexico, Ranger! You've got no right!
Walker: I've got no right?
Mexican: No!
[Walker punches the Mexican]
Walker: I think that was a pretty good right.

Before W, TR can start karate chopping the criminals he has to get close enough to fight them which is where his next talent comes in handy. He has the uncanny ability to dodge bullets by running or driving straight into the line of fire. In fact, his truck seems to be more shot up than a broken down Ford in a redneck's backyard but it rarely shows more than a scratch and features apparently unbreakable glass.

If W, TR can't just drive into the fire he's more than willing to go undercover. Who can forget when he infiltrated the seedy underbelly of illegal-immigrant exploitation by dying his beard black and wearing a bandana around his neck to kick ass as the humble, hardworking Gomez. That's one less criminal to use illegals as slave labor. It was just one of the many issues that W, TR managed to sermonize about with his boot.

In another episode he spoke about the dangers of hating on kids with AIDS guest starring a young Haley Joel Osmet. It featured this touching exchange with C.D., W, TR's mentor turned bartender and shows W, TR's compassion for those suffering during the AIDS crisis.

C.D Parker: And how are you doing, little partner?
Lucas Sims: Fine, and it's little visitor now.
Walker: [chuckles]
Lucas Sims: Usdi adadamdvhidohi is how you say it in Cherokee.
C.D Parker: Oh, pardon my French, but I'll be damned.
Lucas Sims: Walker told me I have AIDS.

Yes, W, TR is quite a hero. I'd like for you to reflect a little bit on the lessons you can learn from W, TR and think about how much better the world would be if we all had a little more W, TR and a little less Victor LaRue in us. If you feel compelled I'd like you to join me in my campaign to release all nine seasons on DVD. Currently, only the final season is available but there are so many lessons to be taught and spin kicks to be seen. Not to mention the explosions and one-liners.

Always remember: "The eyes of the Ranger are upon you, any wrong you do he's gonna see. When you're in Texas look behind you....cause that's where the Ranger's gonna be."