Friday, July 29, 2005

Big Skirt

Frank Thomas is hurt again? Would not have guessed that. But, at least I can stop having people tell me about how he has 8 hits and 6 homers and other crap like that. Let me know when he actually plays 60 games in a season.

Sorry I haven't updated the moving process (like you actually care). I don't have any great stories yet and it's been pretty boring and busy. I'm probably going to be offline in the next day or two and have my computer shut down for most of the next month or so until I have my own place again. I might try to post something if I feel it's worthy of inclusion but it could be pretty sporatic. In conclusion, testicles. That is all.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

MLitB: Closing out one year in worthless posts, Part 1

Today, the 24th of July, marks the official beginning of the cleaning/moving phase of my year in the basement. I went back to look at my first posting and ended up reading the entire month of August. It brought back a lot of great memories: gibbons, fantasy football, 99 cent hot dogs, 2004 is the new 1984, finding my itchy couch. What a year it's been and it's all there, in 12 easy to read volumes from the Time-Life series that brought you Great Binge Drinking Stories and The Best Football Injuries of the 1980's.

In the Circle of Life department this is basically going to end a lot like it began, me talking about how I'm not a very neat person and bitching about cleaning. I started in the worst spot in the basement, the corner of my bedroom where i left all my crap that I haven't looked at since I left it there in August. It's turned into a mountain of clothes, golf clubs, tools, and books covered in spider webs and mildew. Maybe moving some of that stuff off of my carpet when it got wet might have been a good idea. I'm now completely convinced that I will die from one of those deadly molds that infested everything. The good news is that I'm totally in a throw everything away mood and that will make it a lot easier to move everything.

Oh, did I mention that I'm not actually moving anywhere yet? I'm finally joining the ranks of the homeless. Well, more accurately, I'm moving into the role of slacker boyfriend as I'll be staying with Veronica, rent-free, while I work for a few more weeks. I've set a month limit for myself because living with her and her roommate just sounds like a situation that will piss me off before too long. Right now I can usually waste a good amount of time on the internet reading about sports, politics and all the other crap that I write about but that will probably end once I come home to other people's computers. And how can I explain the importance of the concept of drinking and drafting in the rednecks fantasy football league to someone that has never even been in a league? But, I digress.

I'll be updating the moving process as I make slow, slow progress digging myself out of this hole over the next few days.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea

I read this at Billmon where he mentions a speech by jared Diamond. I have no idea who that is but he brings up an interesting question.

OK, I guess Jared Diamond wrote a book on how societies make choices that lead to their collapse. One of his main examples is Easter Island most famous for those big statues. The island was once home to a large population of palm trees that the islanders depended on for survival but the people cut down all of them to build their boats and to erect the giant statues. This eventually led to an inability to fish and killed off the birds that provided food for the people causing the society to turn to cannibalism and eventually collapse. The professor had a discussion with his class about how the guy that cut down the last tree justified his actions.

Diamond reported that his students at UCLA tried to imagine how the guy who cut down the LAST tree [on Easter Island] justified his actions. What did he say? Their candidate quotes: "Fear not. Our advancing technology will solve this problem." "This is MY tree, MY property! I can do what I want with it." "Your environmentalist concerns are exaggerated. We need more research." "Just have faith. God will provide."

Billmon takes the view that the guy probably didn't even think about it.

My guess is that he wasn't thinking about much of anything -- except maybe what he was going to eat for lunch, or whether he was gonna get laid that night, or how much his feet hurt. People don't usually think in grand, apocalyptic terms, even when they're doing grand, apocalyptic things.

What was that guy thinking? Did they have an idea of what was coming or did they just choose to ignore the problems until it was too late? It seems like we humans like to ignore problems like global warming and pollution by telling ourselves that we'll think of something when the time comes or that it's not really too much of a problem much like the Easter Islanders probably didn't worry too much about starvation when they were chopping everything down.

Friday, July 22, 2005

Tournament of Hate: ESPN

Some of you are no doubt familiar with the Tournament of Hate but basically it happened on the trip back from Manhattan after one of the ass kickings disguised as a football game we went to. The idea was to basically come up with 64 people we knew that we hated and determine who we hated the most. There were some epic matchups between such hated people as Ginder, Rich and Thea. Of course Ginder won, two years in a row if I remember correctly.

Anyway, someone decided to steal our idea and make a tournament featuring ESPN personalities. Major props to Aaron for finding this, by the way. Here's the link in PDF form. They already have some of the matchups decided but it shows the bracket.

Here is what I wrote on the issue from the baseball board so if you read it there, ignore the rest of the post:
Musberger vs. Vitale. My two most hated broadcasters going head to head in the sweet 16. I finally had to go with Musberger in the upset because he always screws up the best college football games while Dickie V never does ISU games. I'm continuing to second guess my pick.

Berman dominated the Cowboys bracket. No one could come close. Kirkjian made it to the sweet 16.

Yankees-Sox regional was loaded from top to bottom. Theismann is such a freaking moron, Stu Scott is a joke, John Clayton is annoying, and the winner was Trev Alberts for being an ass clown with zero football knowledge. He's such a Nebraska homer and goes out of his way to rip on Iowa State because they beat him in '92. Loser.

My final four was Musberger (worst announcer ever), Irvin (did everyone forget this guy did a ton of coke with hookers? And stop yelling everything you say), Chris "Shut the fuck up and stop with the stupidass nicknames already" Berman, and Trev Alberts.

Berman over Trev just because he's on TV so much more and thinks its fun to say stupid shit like "Nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills." What the hell does that even mean? I don't think anyone respects Trev at all and he's limited to college football season while Berman annoys me all year long.

Musberger over Irvin just because he's such a bandwagon jumper. He'll suck off a team the entire game until it looks like they might lose and then he's all over the other team's nuts. Irvin yells everything when there's no reason to be yelling. I think he's even more annoying than Stephen A. Smith in that regard.

Musberger wins the whole thing. I really, really hate that guy.

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Bush jokes

One of my favorite comedy websites is It's a bunch of satire writing and stuff that's usually really funny and rather intelligent and witty. (How's that for being pretentious?) They had a post of some seemingly overly meanspirited Bush jokes. Personally, I don't see the problem, here's a sampling but go to the link for all of them.

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Wouldn't a more relevant question be "How many pounds of cocaine has Bush snorted?"

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

A: I'm not sure, but if the answer is "A cure for Parkinson's disease," then Bush will try to stop scientists from breeding them. Because he likes it when people get Parkinson's.

Q: What do you get when you cross a giraffe and a monkey?

A: I'm sorry, I can't think about that right now because I'm too busy wondering why Congress hasn't launched an official investigation into Bush lying to the American public about WMDs and leading us into a war under false pretenses. Tell you what—as soon as I solve that little riddle, I'll get to work on your little genetic experiment.

Did you hear that Bill Clinton hired a new intern? It turns out that his old intern had to go home and spend time with her family after her brother was killed in Iraq

That last one cracks me up every time. Hoo.

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Ring it

Ring the hell out of that fucking bell.

This might be one of the more embarrassing moments of this kid's life. His haircut is the other. All I have to say is that this kid really, really likes football. A lot.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Bush's Jaw

I could make a long post about the nominee for the Supreme Court and how he could be screwing America over for the next, oh, 40 years but I noticed something else. Did anyone else see Bush's jaw? Watch when he talks. He'll finish what he's saying and his jaw will twitch to the side or something. It's really weird and I guess other people have seen it before but it's apparently referred to as "Coke Jaw" for the nerve damage that Cocaine can cause. Do you think Karl Rove could be scoring W some blow on the streets of DC? Hmm, maybe not. I'm sure they probably just have him on some prescription drugs to keep him under control. That and he's definitely on the sauce again.

Some possible themes for the second term, things overheard at the White House, and reasons why Bush is boozing again:
George W Bush: And you thought he was bad when he was on the wagon!

Where's the Goddamn booze, Laura!

Have another drink Mr. President, everything's fine.

A toast to defeating terrorism. Hey, this doesn't taste non-alcoholic.

Terrorists spiked the punch.

Sobriety hates America.

Cups are $5, keg's in the Lincoln Bedroom. Cheney's going around with some jello shots somewhere.

Friday, July 15, 2005


Skip Bayless agrees with me on Rafael Palmiero. I still think he's one of the most overrated players of the last few years and no way in hell is he one of the best first basemen of all time, Ross. He was good at hitting home runs into the right field in small ballparks. Certainly, he's a very good player and his numbers are awesome but they're a joke if you look at them. Also in the article, in typical Skip fashion he places Sammy Sosa in the Lovable Cartoon Character Hall of Fame but not baseball. Nice.

Work report: It's hot and dry. It sucks. I'm tired of helping other crews. Bosses are not smart.

Life report: I'm moving somewhere in August but I don't know where. Someone give me a job.

Friday, July 08, 2005

Some might say that's a little creepy

I'm driving home from the video store and I'm listening to the guys on the radio talk about Michelle Wie and one of them says how she is going to be a babe when she's older. So, I'm doing the math in my head, she's 15 now, add three years, so I'll be...27?? What, 27? It's well-documented that I am reaching "old balls" stage as Veronica likes to put it but things like this still hit me. I'm already almost to the stage (or there already to some people) where it would be kind of creepy to be dating an 18 year old, unless I'm a Scientologist. I mean, what would happen if I, as a 25 or 26 year old, went to meet an 18 year old's parents? Disclaimer: This post in no way reflects my feeling with current girlfriend, a mature 21 year old, who I am very, very happy with. We're speaking in strict hypotheticals and she must never know about this. Just kidding. Sort of.

It's all kind of a new thing for me. From here on out it would be harder and harder for me to date an 18, 19 year old without being the creepy older guy with the trophy girlfriend or something. This sort of thing happened after the first year of college when you couldn't date a high school girl without your friends making fun of you. Unless your name is Steve, no, that's too obvious...S. Ries. Or, she lies about her school and you find out that UNI actually means Ames High. You know who you are. Jailbait!

Next Gingrich thinks Saddam is a treat

In an ever-expanding effort to destroy everything about federal goverment Bush has taken on public broadcasting. Much like nominating a confessed UN hater as UN ambassador and a lawyer that represented major corporations in environmental law cases against the government to the EPA he has placed a public broadcast enemy to the head of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, the group designed as a buffer to prevent meddling in the broadcasts by politicians. However, this is exactly what the group has tried to do. Convinced that the network is run by pinko liberals they commisioned a secret study designed to back up their contentions that liberals had more of a voice than conservatives.

They paid some guy $14,700 to watch all of the political programming and place an L or an C based on whether they were in favor of administration policies or opposed to them. Despite the fact that this is possibly the dumbest way ever to determine if someone should be a liberal or a conservative voice the study didn't even show the bias they suspected. It was so comically full of typos and errors that it was nearly useless.

Mark Wahlberg got a big "C" next to his name for saying that "The Passion of the Christ" was a good thing during his appearance to discuss juvenile justice programs. Henry Rollins also got a "C" for saying that people with "problems with the war should still support the troops". Wow, forget all that time that Rollins has destroyed the Bush administration in his speeches, he thinks anti-war people should still support the people fighting in it. Republican Senator Chuck Hagel got an "L" for speaking highly of Ronald Reagan on one of the shows after his death. The same Chuck Hagel that got a perfect rating from the Christian Coalition. Commie propagandist!

Others got an "L" for suggesting that Tom DeLay's ethics violations be investigated, for promoting the potential for DNA research to help cure disease, and for promoting the idea that intelligence services didn't adapt quickly enough from Cold War data-gathering to focusing on terrorism. Ah yes, those damn liberals that want justice, medicine, and good intelligence.

The typos named Next Gingrich and Clinton investigator Ken Staff. One passage read "His viewpoint was that...Saddam was not a treat [sic]." No, he may not have had any wmd's but we know that he was definitely not a treat. You would think that someone with $14,700 could have hired a proofreader that knew more than to click "Replace" every time the spell-checker caught something.

When you are being paid nearly $15,000 of taxpayer money you might want to take some notes on non-political programming. Among these notes "Carole King talked about her career.... James Taylor inspired her" and actor Jamie Foxx "discussed the career of the late Ray Charles and the obstacles (blind and black) that he had to overcome to achieve success." Ray Charles was blind and black? That damn liberal media always trying to pull that stuff over the public's eyes.

So, in conclusion, Republicans suck and waste our money on stupid surveys trying to attempt to "catch" the so-called liberal media red handed.

In personal news, my apartment smells like a sewer after they fixed my laundry drain. I come home to the Bassment expecting to chill and instead have to look around expecting Splinter to bring some pizza from the tube over there.

To the Iowa Hawkeyes