Thursday, October 27, 2005

South Side White Sox

I have to give the White Sox some credit. This run of 11-1 in the postseason is pretty ridiculous and even moreso when you consider that they did the same thing to Cleveland with a playoff spot on the line in the last series of the regular season. Sure, they got some beneficial calls and some ridiculous luck (just look at the homeruns from AJP and that guy that was pinch hitting for the first time in the series) but they won the close games and took care of business.

It's a little fun that so many Cubs fans are pissed about this. Scoop Jackson says "Like most non-Sox fans in this city, dude isn't real." about you guys. Anyway, I enjoyed cheering for the underdogs in their own city and fully understand why you wouldn't want to cheer for them. Would I cheer for Iowa in the championship game? Umm, no.

Here's a text message I got from Horv after I sent some congratulations: "Im drunk and i have to worj tonorow." Those phones are tricky to use when you're wasted and celebrating a Series win.

On a side note, has there ever been a closer, more boring series? I mean, most of the games were close but there was no real drama. It's really hard to put a finger on because there were some comebacks and some close games but it was just boring and never felt like the outcome was ever, really in doubt. Neither team played particularly well and both made plenty of mistakes that could have cost them some games.

An example. Game 3 went 14 innings or whatever but it was insanely boring. Even the crowd was dead. I guess after watching five hours of baseball you'd probably want it to end to. I guarantee that over half the crowd would have left if people wouldn't have looked at them like they were assholes for leaving a World Series game early. I'm pretty sure a few thousand of them were actually dozing off or just hoping that SOMEBODY would end this brutal game.

"Please, no! Make it stop! Make it stop!"

That was Bush after James Dobson and Pat Buchanan issued a "Code Red" on him last night. The president saw the writing on the wall and got Miers to withdraw her name as Supreme Court justice.

Personally, I'm shocked. If we can't nominate judges with no relevant experience in constitutional law whose only apparent qualities were the facts that she went to church and kissed Bush's ass for years, then I don't know who we can nominate. Of course, that's not why they ordered the Code Red. For most of the fundies the only important thing is if she will overturn Roe V. Wade. Guys like Buchanan just want some psycho reactionary conservative that will order Ten Commandments for all, torture for some, and civil liberties for none.

Monday, October 24, 2005


I have to say that this is some of the most amazing footage I have ever seen. I got the link off of ESPN and it features two of the biggest tools I've ever seen in my life crying about how they're going to tear down Busch Stadium. I just want to reach through the camera and smack these guys. What the hell is wrong with you, loser? Get a grip!


Sunday, October 23, 2005

Gargoyles, psychics!

OK, so I've been watching the Fox promos for one of those reality shows where they trade a parent for a couple of weeks. I don't remember what the name of their show is but something about "meet your new mommy". Maybe it's trading spouses.

Anyway, normally these are pretty terrible shows but I have to admit that I've seen one or two in a moment of weakness but it's not something I see regularly. During these World Series game tey've been hyping the most shocking one ever and all this crap. Basically, it consists of a typical white-trash woman suffering from obesity and bad dental hygiene yelling at her new family. Yelling might not go far enough because she's really all about tearing up random pieces of paper and screaming nonsensical words at this poor husband and his children.

On a side note, Podsendnik just hit his second homerun of the postseason and well, his second homerun of the year. How the hell can you not hit a homer all season and then hit two in the postseason including one in the bottom of the ninth in a World Series game. The answer? The Sox are destined to win this thing. They are getting every single call (third strike in the dirt, Dye getting first base on a ball that hit his bat), every single big hit, everything. It's just their year and, like it or not, Cubs fans, but they're going to be rubbing this in your face for a long time. The revenge of the South Siders.

Hey, this just reminded me of a joke I was going to make. The police have formed a security zone around the Cell that you can't get in to without a ticket. This will be the safest the southside has been in 100 years. Hey, I'm not Jay Leno.

So, this woman on this show. She's clearly batshit crazy with her ranting screams and continually ripping of paper. Seriously, how many clips can they show of her ripping something up and throwing it out the door or on the floor? Is Fox seriously putting this woman who they had to have known was pretty much fucking nuts on this show? My favorite part of the commercial is this wild-eyed woman screaming "Gargoyles, psychics!" Way to go, Fox.

Fox cracks me up because they were recently recongnized by some censorship group as having four of the five worst shows for families on television. Family Guy was number one so obviously I'm not in favor of those rankings but it cracks me up that the swame Dubya supporters that only watch Fox News ignore the fact when they're hyping "values" (although only in a Republican sense of the word) the same company is making money hand over fist by selling the most morally despicable shows. Rupert's got a good thing going.

Thursday, October 20, 2005


I saw this webpage about high school football that the NFL sponsors and found out that my dad is on it for his national record-setting performance in the 8-man state championship game where he intercepted 5 passes. Clearly, I inherited all of my mom's athletic genes (which is to say none).

Some other items of note: A former IHS running back is 8th on the career rushing yard list (5,018) for 8-man right before they switched to 11 man a few years later. He was a hell of a running back and they ran a devastating option attack that worked great until they had to play one of the playoff games in a freezing rainstorm and fumbled about 30 times. He came back to coach at IHS my last year or two when he was a substitute teacher and was basically a major-league prick. He showed up at a high school party once and threatened us all not to tell anyone that he was drinking there, made fun of the foreign exchange students when he was a substitute teacher, and didn't want to show an art video so he just told the kids the answers to the worksheet. Of course, Inman can't resist hiring a legend to teach and coach there so they gave him a job.

I remember one time when he was still in college he came to give us a pep talk before the homecoming game and he rambled on a for a while ranting and raving. I distinctly remember him saying that we should "hit them until they have spit bubbles coming out" more than once. Unfortunately, he's not much of a motivational speaker because we went out and got our asses kicked.

8-man records are awesome to look at because they're so ridiculous. With only 8 men on defense if you have a fast running back that can get around the corner on a pitch or a run he's pretty much gone. It's played on a narrower, 80-yard long field to try to combat that but in junior high we played on the high school's field which was normal 11 man width so it was extra ridiculous there. I'll list a few of the records to give you an idea.

  • Season scoring average per game: 68.7
  • Top three field goal totals in a season: 13, 12, 8 (why kick field goals when you're either going to score a touchdown or not cross the 40 every series?)
  • Highest combined score: 114-106 (most games aren't like this because one team is usually fast enough that they'll blow the other team out and bring in the 45 point mercy rule)
  • Touchdown rushed per game: 7.91
  • Most completions in a game: 38 (not exactly a passing game)
A few other things I noted while looking around the site:

Being a good HS running back means you have a better shot at the NFL than being a good HS wide receiver.
  • Emmitt Smith, James Mungro, Willie Green, Billy Sims, Thomas Jones, Anthony Thomas, Travis Henry, DeShaun Foster, Hershell Walker, Onterrio Smith, and Shaun Alexander all made various lists
  • Receivers? Well, let's just say that Keith Poole is the most famous name on the list.
Jimmy Nudes did not make the all-time wins list.

I have a lot of time on my hands waiting for someone to contact me for an interview. I wasted a good 45 minutes on this project which was good because my Powerball ticket didn't win last night. I'm pretty sure it was rigged against me.

Tom DeLay's mugshot

This is hilarious. Look at how happy he's trying to be just like he gets these done all the time. Err, I'm sure that wasn't quite the image they were going for.

Anyway, he still looks like a scuzzy used car salesman to me. The man has no lips and reptile eyes.

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

FEMA emails

Further evidence that the crony that Bush appointed to FEMA was completely incompetant:

His "eyes and ears" in New Orleans sent him an urgent email, "...the situation is past critical... hotels are kicking people out, thousands gathering in the streets with no food or water... estimates are many will die within hours,".

After no response Brown's secretary emails several hours later stating, " is very important that time is allowed for Mr. Brown to eat dinner. Given that Baton Rogue is back to normal, restaurants are getting busy. He needs much more [than] 20 or 30 minutes."

Oh, well, that's great. It's very important that Brownie gets time to go to a restaurant because we don't want him to be hungry while thousands of people are stranded in rising floodwaters!!!! He needs at least half an hour, dammit!

The man in NO replies, "OH MY GOD!!!!! Just tell her that I just ate an MRE and [went to the bathroom] in the hallway of the Superdome along with 30,000 other close friends, so I understand her concern about busy restaurants."

Nice to know that Bush's cronies have such compassion. I can't wait to see his new Supreme Court justices in action.

Whoo! We're going to World Ser...oh, shit

As much as I dislike the Cardinals that game 5 was one of the must brutal things I've ever seen. To be 1 strike away with nobody on and then put two men on base and have to watch Pujols jack a home run about 550 feet. What a classic moment to see him stare at that ball as 40,000 hearts in simultaneously ripped from 40,000 chests in that stadium. You can actually pinpoint the exact moment it happens. Riiiiiight, there. Ughuh. Hehe, great stuff.

In other sports news, David Stern doesn't care about black people. Seriously, no chains, no jerseys? This isn't the country club, David. It's the NBA! Jeez, get a grip.

At least they're not on the "Love Boat" with the Vikings. Here's Mewelde Moore's take on the issue: "Oh no. None of that. Sex? What are you talking about? That's crazy. Look man, I'm engaged. That would put me in trouble."

In other words, "oh shit, there were strippers and hookers all over this boat, please don't tell my fiancee man."

Ozzie Guillen: "A true Chicago hero." Scoop Jackson's take on the South-Siders no longer second-class citizens.

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Damn, dawg

Bird flu is in Europe.

My last words as I lay dying of bird flu will be, "Jake, I told you this shit was going to kill us all."

Ames' own slice of Kentucky

In my last weekend as a resident of Ames I went into uncharted territory. There aren't too many places in this town that I've never been to but The Fox was one of them until last night.

For those that are unaware of the legendary Fox it is Ames' resident hick bar. Imagine an equal mix of cowboys, rednecks, and just plain white trash with a sprinkle of other college kids and you have the clientele of the Fox. I'm typically a pretty easy going guy that can get a kick out of a bar like that. I've been to Horns in Manhattan and some hick bar in North Liberty but was never able to convince my friends to see if the stories were true about the Fox.

Well, let me just say that they are. And then some.

We finally made it to the Fox under somewhat duress as it was a work friend of Veronica's birthday and she wanted to sing karaoke there. The people working the door really set the tone for the evening. Asking for my ID was a shorter, stocky woman missing a few teeth and wearing denim shorts and a red tanktop that perpetually had one shoulder strap hanging on her arm. The guy standing across from her was wearing a cowboy hat and was a dead ringer for Alan Jackson if he grew a ponytail to his ass and did meth for a few years. Everyone called him AJ but I'm not sure if it was actually his name or a reference to his lookalike.

Inside the bar there was a large group of women at one table. Half of them still had 80's hair and the other half had managed to avoid the time warp. At one table was a guy sporting a shaved head and a shirt touting his membership in the NRA (that's National Redneck Association in this case) complete with Confederate flag. There were a couple of cowboy hats scattered around and a few more folks that clearly managed to stumble across Duff Ave. from the Meadowlark trailor court.

AJ came over and got me some beer and it was on. Things were going fine until Veronica's other friend from work showed up. Why was this a problem? Well, Jonas is a black guy and I think the Fox sees a black guy just about as often as these guys hit up Sips. The NRA guy is staring him down and Jonas is staring right back at him so I'm thinking, great, my first night at the Fox and I'm going to have to try to get a bunch of drunk rednecks off this guy. Fortunately, they either weren't big enough assholes to try to start something or they aren't dumb enough to pick a fight with a guy as big as Jonas is.

To further illustrate the beacon of diversity that is the Fox I present this exchange:
Drunk hick (to Jonas, patting him on the shoulder): Heh, I just wanted to say that you're alright in here.
Jonas: Umm, ok, thanks.
Drunk hick: Yeah, so, we gonna see some break dancin up there later?
Jonas: (pause) I think I'm too fat to breakdance.

Then, in a scene that could only happen at the Fox the Skoal reps came in. Their team consisted of two guys with giant belt buckles and a hot blond in Wranglers giving out free Skoal. So, one by one the cowboys come up and sign their name to get their free nicotine fix. That's really something you don't see except with Skoal. Can you imagine the madhouse if the Camel reps came into Paddy's and started giving away free smokes?

So, other than the early awkwardness I had a pretty decent time. I sang some country karaoke, a little Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard's "I Think I'll Just Stay Here and Drink". That's really the perfect karaoke song for me because there really isn't to much to sing except to get really low and saw the title. It worked out a lot better than trying to sing with Willie.

Oh, one more person I need to describe before I'm done. There was this woman, probably in her 60's, with a giant hairdo. She was about 5 foot tall and about 6 feet around her hips. She would get up there and sing these super obscure songs from 80's pop to really, really old country love songs that I'd never heard of. She wasn't bad but man, she was weird looking. Only at the Fox.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Black People Don't Care About George Bush

Well, that might not be entirely true. They care about him, they just don't like him. NBC News reported that the president's approval rating among blacks is 2%.

2 percent? 2 percent? The margin of error in the poll was 2%! That means that, theoretically, 0% of black people could approve of the president right now. Brutal, Jim. Also brutal is that his overall approval rating is about 39% which must be about the percentage of people that will support him even if he starts lighting babies on fire while shitting on the Constitution.

Cue Fox News: "Wow, a real display of leadership by the president today to say that he will not back down from showing the links between 9/11 and babies."

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

How to get to the Supreme Court in 2 easy steps

You may think that becoming a judge and working your ass off to become a constitutional law expert will put you on the track to the highest bench in the land but I'm here to tell you that you're a sucker and give you my patented Guide to Becoming a Supreme Court Justice in two Easy Steps.

1. Kiss your boss's ass relentlessly.

I mean, you're going to need to find sycophantic urges that you didn't even know you had. You're going to need to lick his boots and kiss his ass at the same time. Case in point: Current Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers. In a NY Times article they discuss several of her letters to Bush including a birthday card where she told him he was "cool" and said he and Laura were "the greatest". He responded by thanking her for her "candor" and "sage advice". Yes, what candor she showed. In talking about a young child that asked for Bush's autograph she said, "I was struck by the tremendous impact you have on the children whose lives you touch." And then this gem, "you are the best governor ever."

(Side note: Holy shit. I keep expecting to see and LOL or !!!!!1 in her writing. OMGOMG UR teh best governor evar!!!!!! so cool!!!1 This is embarrassing that this woman is likely to become a Supreme Court justice with as little on her resume as this.)

2. Head the search committee to find potential nominees.

Dick Cheney was the first to make the jump from leading the search committee to "finding" himself and Harriet decided that worked so well that she would give it a try. "Hmm, Mr. President. There's just no one good out there. Maybe I should do it. You're really smart by the way."

(Side note: Dr. Dobson (crackpot fundie radio host) said that Rove told him something he couldn't say but he felt better about the nomination.
Everyone else: wtf?
Dobson: Well, ok, Rove told me that everyone else turned the job down because the confirmation process is so brutal.
What? Did anyone see the Roberts hearings? Nobody asked him anything. He just did a tapdance around any questions and that was it. Are you saying that these people would give up a lifetime appointment at the top job in the their field because of a 2 month confirmation process? I smell BS. Either Dobson's lying (NO!!) or Rove is blowing smoke up his ass.)

Sweet Lou is drunk

One of the things that usually bugs the hell out of me is when they bring in a current coach or player as an analyst/color guy for the postseason. Sometimes it can work...hmm, I think it must have worked at some point. The inevitable Steve Lavin in the studio was pretty good if just because it meant that UCLA had choked again. I thought Rick Majerus would be good but he usually just made really creepy comments like about how he wouldn't have to rent porn in his hotel room because Ashley Judd was at the UK game. Umm, let's send it back to the booth on that note.

Well, Fox decided to sent Lou Pinella up to the booth with Joe Buck and whoever his partner is this time. Tim McCarver, maybe? Anyway, so far tonight Lou has put the Texas Rangers in the AL Central and tried to repeat what somebody else just said a couple of times. Unfortantely, he has no presence at all and stumbles over his words in his whiny voice. Just because a guy got himself fired from the D-Rays and has had some epic meltdowns on the field doesn't mean he should be announcing the game.

Now, I'm not sure if I can actually go through with cheering for the White Sox. It would be great to see them choke again. Oh well, win-win, right?


So, I'm trying to decide if I'm going to find myself rooting for the White Sox for the rest of the playoffs. I know, I know, as a Royals fan I'm supposed to hate them but when you're as bad as the Royals are is there really any need to hate one team in the Central more than the other. The Royals woke up one morning and found themselves too far back to even contend this year and stayed there for the rest of the season. I think this was Opening Day.

Anyway, I have to admit that the Sox, for the most part, play some pretty entertaining baseball. They do the little things, move runners over, play decent defense, etc., very much unlike the softball teams they have fielded in recent years. Sure, they still have plenty of individual players I don't like. I was glad to see that Frank Thomas finally went down for the year so I didn't have to hear Sox fans tell me how he has 4 home runs in 5 at bats and crap like that. Sure, that's great but those are going to be the only 5 at bats he has this season and is approximately the same number he will have next season and the season after that. The season after that he'll be retired.

Their "small ball" approach is winning over some people but my biggest reason for cheering for the White Sox happens to be Cubs fans. Now, dont get me wrong. I have a lot of friends that cheer for the Cubs and there's nothing wrong with them because most of them actually dislike the very Cub fans that I dislike. I don't want to go into a big thing about it but these are usually people from places such as Iowa that may or may not know a lot about the team but they love to obsess over Wrigley and Old Style and Harry Caray and lament the lifestyle of being a Cubs fan when they've only been alive since 1980. Hey, I'm a Royals fan, dammit. The last time the Royals won the World Series I was 4 years old so as far as I'm concerned there's not much difference between 1908 and 1985.

I'm a guy that enjoys a little schadenfreude now and then so the prospect of some of these Cubs fans agonizing that the Sox, perennial step-children in the Chicago sports scene, playing for a chance to win a World Series before the north-siders did sounds pretty entertaining to me. Especially, if the team they were playing would be St. Louis Cardinals. Ahh, the horror!

The potential for a White Sox riot after a championship is little overwhelming. These are the White (Trash) Sox! They would have to rename the Great Chicago Fire because it would be like comparing a kid with matches to a guy with a blowtorch at gasoline refinary. Not only that but distraught Cubs fans just might go after them. It would be like that opening battle scene from Gangs of New York. I'm almost giddy at the thought!

So, in conclusion....I'm sorry Cubs fans, but go Sox!

Sunday, October 09, 2005

One of the great debates of our college years settled

Many of you will remember the heated debates we used to engage in during our time in the dorms and the NFZ (No-Fun Zone). Many may never be solved: Barry Bonds haters vs. me (best player of all-time), Starship Troopers fans vs. me (horrible, horrible movie. no redeeming value), Paul vs. everyone else in the world regarding General Chaos (the worst video game ever made). But, one of these arguments may have been solved by an independent panel: Esquire Magazine.

The debate I'm talking about is the hottest girl on 7th Heaven. In the Mary Camden vs. Lucy Camden debate they come out firmly in the corner of Mary (Jessica Biel). In fact, they've gone so far as to name her the sexiest woman alive. Now, granted, this poll may not include Ruthie but I doubt she's 18 yet. It should have been obvious to most that Mary was clearly the hottest Camden but there were those that were avid Lucy fans. So, debate closed. Now, about Jodie Sweetin...

surfing the internets

I'm pretty bored today so I went for a stroll through the "internets" as dear leader Bush would say. My goal was to look through some random blogs hoping to find something interesting. Unfortunately, most are insufferably dull. I really hope that I don't bore you to tears like the woman in England that writes about her scrapbooking or the woman that posts pictures of her husband's handiwork replacing the handrail on their staircase. But sometimes you find something interesting like the guy writing in Polish. Polish is such a great language because it differs so much from English in the letter combinations it uses. I could totally mash the keyboard for a while and it would look exactly like what he writes. cuzla wok sewrck szlam kwerz.

Then there's this guy who posts pictures of people and makes fun of them in Spanish.

And the winner of the most annoying use of teen speech goes to this guy. This guy also won for most annoying overuse of scrolling text and was nominated for most inane banter.

I was going to rip this guy for writing a long post describing his poker hands the night before but some people actually commented on it and he has some sweet pictures from his time in Europe. I still think there isn't much I would want to read less than someone else's poker hands. Yeah, great, you really got screwed on that flop. So has every other asshole that plays poker.

Of course then there's this entirely unreadable blog devoted to the Legend of Zelda. Bonfig, I know that you have already bookmarked this site but you need to tell him that yellow text on a white background is brutal to decipher. Sunday was his first post ever so I may have been the first non-spammer to visit his site.

This person just wants to give you all those lame quizzes so you can find out what pizza flavor you are or what kind of anime eyes you have. I'm cheese pizza and have angry eyes.

I'm Mike Jones! don't act like you don't know the name.

The lesson in all of this is that every other blog except this one sucks and that I have too much time to waste on Sunday afternoon. Now if you'll excuse me I need to start working on a 3000 word post on my fantasy football team.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

My guilty pleasures

These are the things I have been enjoying but never want to admit to people. This post will destroy any cred I have as someone with good taste.

  • Filthy Rich Cattle Drive. These rich fuckers go out on a "cattle drive" to earn money for charity or get their lazy, spoiled faces on TV or whatever, it doesn't matter why they are there. The point is I love to see them complain about the thread counts of their sheets or act shocked when their boss won't let them bring a helicopter in to take their laundry to a dry cleaner. I really hate rich people and I hate them when they get together and discuss their insulated lives. This show could turn Rush Limbaugh into a commie. OK, probably not but it's hard to think of a Republican that wouldn't praise them for earning their wealth by being born into a rich family. God bless America.
  • Kelly Clarkson. Ugh, I really hate to admit this one but her songs are so damn catchy. Fortunately, I think this is starting to pass as they're creeping from catchy to "get the fuck out of my head demon woman!" stage.
  • Eating mustard. If I'm having corn dogs I'll add a lot of mustard to my plate just so I can use the stick to scoop the rest of it into my mouth. Gross.
  • The waitresses at Stomping Grounds. From the girl with the Irish accent to the girl that finally got Veronica's order right they're all just so damn cute and can flirt like they're no really just begging for a tip. But don't spoil my secret that it's not just the coffee I like. It's almost like when guys say they go to Hooters for the wings except instead of girls with more plastic under their shirt than a Fisher Price toy it's cute girls with great style. You can still look as long as you don't touch, right?
  • Almost any MTV weekend marathon. OK, I've wasted 2 hours at a time watching a Real World or Laguna Beach marathon. I hate myself afterwards. I really, really do. Laguna Beach is almost worse than the Kelly Clarkson thing. Those girls are so dumb. "I like this boy, I hate this girl, I'm going to get my nails done and talk shit about everyone that isn't there." It's like being invited inside the inner-circle of the popular girls in high school. The ones that you really hated for being so damn shallow but were sort of fascinated by their world. It's like Mean Girls in real life. I wish I didn't admit this one.
  • Watching the Republicans melt down over all their pending legal problems and Bush turning his back on the fundies. OK, I don't feel guilty about this one.

OK, enough of that. I will not place myself in the merciless hands of the three of you that read this blog. Mock me. I don't care.

One thing that cannot be mocked is this story about Pythons vs. Alligators. A thirteen foot python burst open after it tried to swallow a six foot long alligator whole. The python won the battle but the alligator clawed his way out of the stomach killing the python. The picture in this thing is badass. This is an awesome occurance. We should transplant other major carnivores into different habitats to see who wins. Bears vs. lions, wolves vs. tigers, hippos vs. Mark Mangino. (He's utlilizing a method of trying to scare it away by baring his teeth in order to show that he could actually eat the entire hippo if he wanted.) The possibilities are endless.

Speaking of morbid obesity, a new plan is in place to cut the obesity rate in half while still feeding the mega-obese.

Jay Leno wrote a book on how to be funny. The title is Least Useful Book Ever.

We've got a great show tonight, Tom Hanks is going to be here so stick around.

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

"Being a professional means doing your job on the days you don't feel like doing it."

This David Halberstam quote leads me to believe that I'm not a professional since I always liked to leave early as soon as possible or that time that I took one sick day and it was so good that I took the next two off as well. Although, it's tough to be a professional when your job sucks as much as mine does. Fortunately, Friday will be my last day to ever sit in a crappy room and sort corn from 8 to 5. I always wanted to go out on top and going out now allows me to go out as the senior corn sorter in the group. Although this might seem like some sort of accomplishment it really means that I'm a gigantic loser. Looking back, how could I work at this job for nearly a year and a half straight? It's a miracle that I haven't jammed sharp objects into my temple just to dull the boredom. There are two things that saved me. Alcohol and having a place to vent about all the inane, bizarre, imbecilic events and actions that occured on a daily basis. Many thanks go to Jake, Veronica, and MLitB for allowing me to vent the growing frustration in a (somewhat) calm and controlled manner rather than coming in one day and shooting up the place. (Cue waiter from Tschotsky's in Office Space)

I'd like to take this opportunity to describe a few of my fellow employees. The first will be known as the One Upper, a character from Dilbert. He is the type of person that always has to have a story that is easily ten times better than yours even if it is so insanely impossible that you laugh out loud when you hear it. A prime example occured during the first day or two of September. I had seen a Halloween display in HyVee and was bitching about how it's way too early for Halloween and it should at least be around the first of October before they are trying to goad people into purchasing candy in bulk under the auspice that it's for the neighborhood kids when we all know that the whole bag will be gone by the end of next Friday after an evening watching romantic movies alone wondering when the guy in your office that looks a little like Hugh Grant will realize that you're a beautiful person on the inside and ask you to marry him just when you are feeling at your lowest.

Where was I? Oh, yes, ranting about how stores rush holidays. "Well," this guy says, "that's nothin'. I saw a Halloween display on the Fourth of July."

What? Are you serious? There's no way that you saw a Halloween display on the fourth of July. That's four months away. Of course maybe I was wrong and Halloween is such a big deal that it gets more store displays than Christmas.

Another time he and a girl from work got into a discussion about how fast they've driven on gravel roads. It started off innocent enough with one person saying they always drive 60. Well, that would never do so they started trying to top each other with the most outrageous story of driving through rural Iowa with skills that only James Bond and maybe XXX could possess. By the end one of them finally won with a story about going 85 with the back end fishtailing the whole way. Damn, dude. You win.

Another guy at work is the Likes to Fight Guy, a common "Guy" on the Jim Rome Show. Just about every day he has a new story about how he "almost jacked a guy last night" or how he "almost kicked these two dudes' asses." Usually the story starts with some guy saying something to his girlfriend or calling her a bitch and includes a lot of "tough guy" dialogue from both of them. However, the all-time best story was how he punched a guy in the jaw at the Disturbed concert. Yeah, he's down with the sickness. Mostly a really bad case of liking shitty bands whose ideas of lyrical brilliance include "ohwhaa ohwhaa" and "ee ee ee ee". So, the reason that he punched this guy out? He was making out with his girlfriend at the show.

What an awesome reason. Your girlfriend is making out with a guy so you kick his ass like he's supposed to know that she's your woman. His fighting stories are a slight step up from talking about how big his girlfriend's "tits" are and telling stories about how pissed she got when he made this awesome joke about how big they were to her. Then he tells stories about how pissed she got when he wouldn't come pick her up from somewhere like that's such a great way to show us what a tough guy he is. This guy is seriously a badass. Just ask him because he'll be glad to tell you.

Then there's the girl that runs to breakroom during every break so she can frantically rummage through the paper to find the Su Doku puzzle or whatever. Today I picked up that section before she got there just to see her reaction. She tried to ignore it for a second but she grabbed it as soon as I set it back on the table to go get a glass of water. Come on now, the puzzle will be there all day and even if it wasn't it's a lame puzzle anyway. Crosswords are way better. Way better. For real.

The final person in this ever-lengthening diatribe is one of my bosses. He's Mr. Former Camp Counselor guy that tries to deal with all of his employees like they are 10 years old. He's always making exaggerated "Good Mornings!" and lame jokes. Then if you get on his bad side he just tries to embarrass you in front of everyone. One of the highlights of my summer is when he lost it on this one kid and ended up cursing at him as his face turned a slightly stunning shade of scarlet. Damn, nice alliteration. He is always complaining about how there aren't enough workers but loves to fire people for calling in sick too many days or not working hard enough in his mind. Last year he would count how many cobs he went through in a certain time period an then make everyone else tell them how many they did in the same period of time.

If you couldn't remember how many you did then he would make you time yourself and report back. The best thing about both of us knowing that I was going to quit soon is that he tried to do that stuff to me but I would ignore it and he wouldn't care. He's a really nice guy but he just really, really needs some help in how to deal with the employees under him. That was just a little suckup since I'm sure this will all get back to them somehow and I'll be exposed for the backstabbing bastard I really am. It will be just like something out of Cruel Intentions or Mean Girls except I'm nowhere near as wealthy or good looking as those people. Dammit. It always works out for the rich people.

Monday, October 03, 2005

George Bush doesn't care about Kansas City's playcalling

Obviously, Al Saunders and Dick Vermeil don't either because if they did they would know that maybe throwing to Tony Gonzalez or not running Larry Johnson in there just because it's the third series even though Priest Holmes already had 60 yards might be good ideas. I'm totally convinced that they have no idea what the hell they are doing.

Then, there's Gunther Cunningham who was only the second worst defensive coordinator of the week. He apparently decided that since KC had an 18 point lead that leaving Terrell Owens open the REST OF THE GAME probably would be a good idea. Because it's not like he's their best weapon or anything.

The worst defensive coaching goes to the Iowa State staff. They started out ok trying to shut down Nebraska's running game and making Zac Taylor beat them. Unfortunately, it became painfully obvious to everyone that he was beating them by dumping the ball to receivers on five yard patterns who then ran five more yards because the defensive back was nowhere close.

It was so ridiculously frustrating watching this and knowing that anyone of a handful of plays would have won the game and they didn't make them. Blythe's two dropped bombs, Jackson picking up the fumble and returning it, Culbertson's missed kick, an extra step on a pass rush, the list goes on. Anyway, I'm trying to stay positive but that was such a winnable game and one that would have gone a long, long way in getting ISU to Houston and a major bowl game after that.

George Bush may not care about playcalling but he does care about picking the Supreme Court judge. He picked some woman that no one had ever heard of and had never been a judge but she was his personal lawyer which passes for qualifications in this administration. I know nothign about this woman except that I've read she has been pretty heavily involved in some corporate law firms that had some trouble with legal issues and helping some companies scam people. Wow, that's probably the least surprising thing ever. George W Bush would nominate someone with slightly less than kosher ethics when it comes to financial deals. Are we certain that Halliburton can't serve as a justice? Guess not.

Probably the best part about that whole thing is how pissed the fundies are. They were convinced that Bush and the Republican senate were going to guarantee them that they would get a Pat Robertson clone on the bench to overturn Roe v. Wade and put the 10 commandments in every school with mandatory prayer and just make the world hunky dory. But, they still don't get it. Republicans tell them all the right things during every election and then forget about them as soon as they are in office because they're too busy making money for themselves and their friends (Tom DeLay indicted on money laundering today). These fundies are the girl in high school that believes all the sweet things the quarterback is saying to her in the backseat of his car but then can't figure out why he doesn't ask her to prom or talk to her at school. They don't give a shit about you after you give it up!

The truth is that the having Roe v Wade overturned would be the biggest nightmare for a lot of these Repubs in office because they need something to whip all of these people into a frenzy over. They've been hyping abortion, gay rights, and prayer issues to no end because it gets their people into the voting booths. If they can't put the fear of atheism or heathenism or whatever they're afraid of in their hearts then they're going to start looking at how the Republicans are getting rich off of hardworking people like them.

So, I'm laughing that these people are just now coming to the realization that Bush is really in it to cash in and doesn't give a crap about any of the Jesus stuff he told them about which was pretty obvious to most people that paid attention and wasn't listening to Dobson, et al praising him like he was Moses, Jr.