Friday, March 31, 2006

Champions!

The 1991 Chiefs won the Tecmo Super Bowl tonight. Just thought you all should know.

They started off 13-0 with no close games then lost three straight "Fuck You" games. You know the ones where you fumble at the end of every nice run and they pick your play every single time? So, 13-3 going into the playoffs when they turned on the juice destroying San Diego (German for whale's vagina), Buffalo, and the weakass Niners. Derrick Thomas had at least 5 sacks in the Super Bowl so it was a little under his average for the year. Okoye had 66 tough yards but three TDs.

I think that given my track record in this game I could at least been interviewed for the coaches job. Maybe I can take over for Carl Peterson when he finally quits. We're in his 4th or 5th consecutive "5 Year Plan" to win the Super Bowl.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Truth Tour Detour

Howard Kaloogian, a Republican running for a house seat vacated by convicted bribee Duke Cunningham, went on one of those "Truth Tours." I heard Hannity and all his weiner friends talk about these things when I had to listen to them at work. Basically, they fly over to Iraq, meet the troops, never leave the walled Green Zone, and tell everyone how great things are in Iraq. So, this Kaloogian guy posts a picture on his website with this caption:

"We took this photo of dowtown Baghdad while we were in Iraq. Iraq (including Baghdad) is much more calm and stable than what many people believe it to be. But, each day the news media finds any violence occurring in the country and screams and shouts about it -- in part because many journalists are opposed to the U.S. effort to fight terrorism."

Boy, things look great there. Everyone's shopping, enjoying the peaceful setting that is downtown Iraq. Err, except it turns out that picture is actually set in a suburb on Istanbul, Turkey.

So, embarrassed that his attempt to portray Baghdad as Istanbul had failed he blamed his webmaster for putting in the wrong photo and put this one up in its place with the same caption.


Hmm, I think I can almost make out some people down there. It sure looks safe from up here on the hotel balcony. Yep, Mission Accomplished, indeed.

Because we all care what celebrities are up to...

...all links stolen from Defamer.

Like a Raiders-Broncos game there are no winners when Rosie O'Donnell and Star Jones go after each other.

For the GnR fans, Chuck Klosterman "reviews" the oft-delayed "Chinese Democracy." They've only been working on this one for, like, 20 years.

Whitney Houston's sister-in-law sells her out to the National Enquirer saying the singer "spends days locked in her bedroom amid piles of garbage smoking crack, using sex toys to satisfy herself and ignoring personal hygiene." And to think that Mariah Carey won the award for Most Likely to Spend Her Days Amid Piles of Garbage Smoking Crack just 5 years ago.



Maybe it's the Bud can next to the sink but is that so much worse than my bathroom at the No-Fun Zone at times? OK, mine was never that gross but I'm just glad no one ever snapped a photo of my crack pipes after one of my infamous binges where I would lock myself in the bathroom with a big pile of crack, a jar of dill pickles, and half of a leftover pokey sticks order.

I'm usually a pretty accepting guy when it comes to religion. If you want to believe in nothing, that's cool. Islam, Judiaism, Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster? No problem. But, Scientology? Those guys are fucked up.

They're posting signs all over Katie Holmes' house reminding her of her vow not to scream during birth. Founder L. Ron Hubbard says, "Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and child."

I'm pretty sure the sanity train has sailed long, long ago with this crowd.

And, now, a thought of my own. What's up with TLC? When did it become the Freak Channel? Tonight's lineup: "My Skin Could Kill Me", "The 750 Pound Man", and, my personal favorite, "It's Not Easy Being a Wolf Boy". I've kind of noticed that they have like three or four different fat person shows and they all list their weight. Now, if you like these shows will you watch all of them or should you just pay attention to the fattest guy and assume you've seen everything in the others. Now, if I were ever approaching half a ton and someone were going to help me I definitely wouldn't bring in TLC cameras to documents the bed sores on my ass as the crane lifts me out of bed for the first time in 10 years dislodging the pet hamster that suffocated in one of my fat rolls. But, that's just, you know, my dignity talking.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Duke's Shelden Williams is a zombie. Who knew? I always thought his parents were test subjects in a top secret radiation test but I was wrong.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Baseball

Does anyone care about the Royals? Didn't think so. Here's a pretty good writeup nonetheless.

Conflicted

Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston
Not safe for work

Britney Spears' naked body. Hot.
Britney Spears pregnant naked body. Not.
Britney Spears on a bearskin rug in that position. Hot.
Britney Spears on a bearskin rug in that position giving birth. Not.

But, really, the whole thing is pretty funny. This guy is putting her on a pedastal for giving up her career to raise her baby as a monument to pro-life. Damn, what is the discerning religious nut to do? On the one hand he says he's honoring pro-life. On the other hand we hate art with naked people.

Sunday, March 26, 2006

Bush is full of shit (shocking, I know)

Excerpts from New York Times:

In the weeks before the United States-led invasion of Iraq, as the United States and Britain pressed for a second United Nations resolution condemning Iraq, President Bush's public ultimatum to Saddam Hussein was blunt: Disarm or face war.

But behind closed doors, the president was certain that war was inevitable. During a private two-hour meeting in the Oval Office on Jan. 31, 2003, he made clear to Prime Minister Tony Blair of Britain that he was determined to invade Iraq without the second resolution, or even if international arms inspectors failed to find unconventional weapons, said a confidential memo about the meeting written by Mr. Blair's top foreign policy adviser and reviewed by The New York Times.

"Our diplomatic strategy had to be arranged around the military planning," David Manning, Mr. Blair's chief foreign policy adviser at the time, wrote in the memo that summarized the discussion between Mr. Bush, Mr. Blair and six of their top aides.

"The start date for the military campaign was now penciled in for 10 March," Mr. Manning wrote, paraphrasing the president. "This was when the bombing would begin."

Clearly, he didn't mean all that stuff he said about waiting for Saddam to disarm and working with the UN for a solution. Nothing too surprising there.
The memo indicates the two leaders envisioned a quick victory and a transition to a new Iraqi government that would be complicated, but manageable. Mr. Bush predicted that it was "unlikely there would be internecine warfare between the different religious and ethnic groups." Mr. Blair agreed with that assessment.

Good one, Nostradamus.
The memo also shows that the president and the prime minister acknowledged that no unconventional weapons had been found inside Iraq. Faced with the possibility of not finding any before the planned invasion, Mr. Bush talked about several ways to provoke a confrontation, including a proposal to paint a United States surveillance plane in the colors of the United Nations in hopes of drawing fire, or assassinating Mr. Hussein.

Trying to get them to fire at a plane disquised in UN colors? Are you freaking kidding me? Assassinating Saddam? Yeah, just snap your fingers and get that done because those always work.
At one point, the leaders swapped ideas for a postwar Iraqi government. "As for the future government of Iraq, people would find it very odd if we handed it over to another dictator," the prime minister is quoted as saying.

"Bush agreed," Mr. Manning wrote.

Hmm, I guess they're right. It would be viewed as "very odd" if they handed it over to another dictator. Better start the "Freedom is on the march" drumbeat.
Despite his optimism, Mr. Bush said he was aware that "there were uncertainties and risks," the memo says, and it goes on, "As far as destroying the oil wells were concerned, the U.S. was well equipped to repair them quickly, although this would be easier in the south of Iraq than in the north."

Somehow, I think this is the only aspect of the war that did have a definite plan.

Friday, March 24, 2006

The Ultimate Bracket

A religion columnist in Alabama (shocking, I know) made a bracket full of biblical characters. Two brackets are all good characters and two brackets are all evil characters to ensure that 2 of each made it to the final four. Let's analyze the brackets, shall we?

MIDWEST REGIONAL: Capernaum
1. Jesus vs. 16. Zaccheus
2. Paul vs. 15. Adam
3. Peter vs. 14. Rahab
4. John the Baptist vs. 13. Elisha
5. Isaiah vs. 12. Jacob
6. Daniel vs. 11. Aaron
7. Gideon vs. 10. Stephen
8. Job vs. 9. Mary

First thing that jumps out is the potential emotional matchup between Jesus and his own mother in the second round. Jesus has shown that he can overcome adversity by literally coming back from the dead but will he be able to control his emotions against his mentor? I think so, I don't see anyone else challenging him. Look for Gideon to upset Paul in the second round based on the fact that his army was the original midmajor that pulled off one of the big upsets against the Midianites.

EAST REGIONAL: Babylon
1. Herod the Great vs. 16. John Mark
2. Goliath vs. 15. Esau
3. Nebuchadnezzar vs. 14. Nadab & Abihu
4. Cain vs. 13. Euodia & Syntyche
5. Pharaoh vs. 12. Haman
6. Ahab vs. 11. Jonah
7. Salome vs. 10. Simon the Sorcerer
8. Agrippa vs. 9. Balaam

A lot of bad people in here. A lot of people I've actually never heard of. I'm going to take Goliath since he managed to avoid his nemesis David until at least the championship game. A little bit of an ironic matchup in Ahab going against Jonah considering another Ahab spent his life chasing Moby Dick and Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Jonah keeps it close but doesn't have the courage to pull off the upset.

SOUTH REGIONAL: Jerusalem
1. Moses vs. 16. Gamaliel
2. David vs. 15. Abel
3. Abraham vs. 14. Isaac
4. Jeremiah vs. 13. Josiah
5. Solomon vs. 12. Melchizedek
6. Noah vs. 11. Joshua
7. Samson vs. 10. Esther
8. Joseph vs. 9. Elijah

Pretty hard to believe that the man that the father of Judiasm, Christianity, and Islam is only given a three seed. Moses did a lot but he the only competition he faced was Pharoh, a 5 seed. You have to question how he finished the season wandering in the wilderness for 40 years and everyone knows he never actually reached the promised land. I'm taking Abraham.

WEST REGIONAL: Rome

1. Satan vs. 16. Eutychus
2. Herod Antipas vs. 15. Ananias & Sapphira
3. Pontius Pilate vs. 14. Barabbas
4. Judas Iscariot vs. 13. Caiaphas
5. Jezebel vs. 12. Bathsheba
6. Saul vs. 11. Demetrius
7. Rehoboam vs. 10. Demas
8. Porcius Festus vs. 9. Felix

Clearly, the national media is expecting a Jesus vs. Satan matchup in the finals and I'm not inclined to disagree. My 5-12 upset special is Bathsheba over Jezebel. Jezebel's game of making Christians do immoral things plays great in the regular season but it doesn't translate well to the tournament. Bathsheba proved her worth by getting knocked up by David.

In the final four Jesus pulls off a miracle comeback to escape Abraham. Satan's pressure is too much for Goliath to bear in a blowout.

The Prince of Peace and the Prince of Darkness had some great matchups in the regular season but Jesus always managed to resist the temptations Satan presented. They always say it's tough to beat a team three times in one season so this will truly be an apocolyptic battle. I'm taking Jesus by 4.
If the dress code for health inspectors includes a dirty hat and sleeveless shirts I'm never eating at a restaurant again. And you couldn't pay me enough to sit through that Larry the Cable Guy movie. Brutal.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Ouch

K-State hired Bob Huggins as basketball coach today and the reaction has been pretty mixed. Obviously, K-Staters are happy because Huggy has won a lot of games while a lot of others are pretty critical because his players rarely graduate, get arrested a lot, he's a convicted drunk driver, etc. So, the local channel is advertising for their news tonight during the basketball game. They start with the usual violent crime stories and then you see a police video of a man performing a field sobriety test. The anchor says, "Would you want this man behind the wheel of a car? How about behind the wheel of your basketball team? We go behind the controversial new hire at Kansas State."

Ouch, not quite the positive press they were hoping for, I guess.

Bye bye civil liberties

The Supreme Court ruled that if two occupants, say a husband and wife, are present when police request to search a house both must agree to the search. Seems to be common sense, right? Another person can't waive your right to refuse the search of your home. However, the three douchebags (Roberts, Scalia, and Thomas) were the dissenters in the 5-3 decision. Alito didn't vote because the case was argued before he was on the bench meaning that one vote could have swung this decision the other way.

David Souter summed it up in his response to Roberts' dissenting opinion: "The centuries of special protection for the privacy of the home are over."

Basically, that's a preview of things to come with these assholes on the Supreme Court. Watching every one of our ancient civil liberties disappear one by one as they uphold every one of Bush's illegal activities is going to be pretty brutal.

Sunday, March 19, 2006

Snakes on a Plane!

"Enough is enough. I've had it with these snakes."
Samuel L. Jackson

Exclusive footage from Snakes on a Plane!

Personally, I think it looks awesome. Did you see how many snakes there were on that plane? And the one snake went down the lady's shirt? Daaaamn, these snakes got attitude!

A three hour tooo-ur a three hour tooo-ur

Just wanted to throw that out there before I jam an icepick into my brain to make me forget it until next Thursday.

And I thought Kinnick Stadium was bad

In Kinnick they only threw ice and nacho-covered pretzels at us. In Liverpool they throw coins and shit. No, not "shit", actual shit. Gross.

Carl Winslow fired!

Most of you know that ISU coach Carl Winslow, err Wayne Morgan, was fired. Other than the fact that he seemed like a nice guy I really don't think it's the worst thing in the world as long as the AD doesn't blow it with his choice. How can he avoid blowing it? By hiring Mark Turgeon from Wichita State. He's completely rebuilt the Shockers into a respectable program after nearly 20 years of sucking. They've gotten better each year he's been there and they always defend hard which is something I like. (It always sounds gay when a guy says that he likes other guys doing something hard.)

Let's just say that they defend well.

Anyway, other than that the coach of UW-Milwaukee has been getting a lot of mentions because he has some ties to the AD but I think this is only his first year there so I'm not really sure what he's done. I don't think there's any chance that ISU will go after McDermott because of some bad blood between the schools recently. Some other names I've seen mentioned include Tom Moore, UCONN assistant, and Mike Anderson, UAB coach. Both of them seem like they could be solid hires.

I haven't had much time to post my thoughts on the tournament so I'll post them now.

Iowa...hahahahha. Never again can you mention Hampton without having Northwestern State thrown back in your face.

Second, way to go Shockers! Picking you to the Sweet 16 made me look pretty smart when the rest of my bracket made me look very, very dumb. Thanks for saving face for me. I knew you could do it. Plus, as much of a basketball town as Wichita is they deserve to have a good team again. Something they haven't had since the original Big Dog, Antoine Carr, and the X-Man, Xavier McDaniel were roaming the court.

Third, it's interesting that the "best conference in basketball" has zero teams in the sweet 16. Glad I picked at least three of them to make it. Assholes.

Those conferences that Nantz and Packer ripped? Three sweet 16 teams. And as predicted they were giving them all sorts of love on their broadcast. But at least Packer mentioned that he could have been wrong about them. Nantz was his usual tool self and said "some people complained" about four Valley teams in the tournament. Yeah, "some people" like YOU and your DOUCHEBAG PARTNER! Assholes.

If you're sick of this sports stuff I should have some more to write later.

Thursday, March 16, 2006

The sky is falling and the ship is sinking at the same time!!!

ISU was (wrongly, in my opinion) linked to some sort of supposed recruiting "scam" by CBS hatchet man Gregg Doyel. Basically, ISU was paying a company to arrange for teams to play in Hilton. This company was taking ISU's money and paying schools quite a bit less than market value and supposedly sending players from LA Community College to those schools. A lot of schools like Kentucky and Nevada use the company but for some reason ISU was singled out in the article because they also happened to have an LACC player in Anthony Davis. What the article doesn't mention is that Davis originally committed to Morgan at Long Beach State and had known Morgan since high school. Does ISU really need some company to steer players like Anthony Davis? Clearly not. BS piece.

Then Stinson AND Blalock declare for the NBA.

Take 2 of the only 3 bright spots on an already crappy team and I'm scared to think what we'll be looking at. I've tried to defend Morgan this year but it became harder and harder as the team continued to do the same stupid things over and over. It's not really his fault that Stinson and Blalock are leaving but it almost makes it seem like more sense to find another coach now. Of course starting this late in the process who will you be able to find? Either way, ISU basketball is fucked. They should just bring Larry back. Err, maybe not.

On the plus side NCAA tournament, bitches. Straight cash, homie.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Billy Packer: Psycho

Anybody catch Billy Packer ranting and raving on TV yesterday? I've always hated him for his inane comments during the games, propensity for yelling, and endless hyping of the ACC but yesterday he really proved he was either drunk or crazy or both. His list of transgressions including reading from the wrong bracket spoiling a matchup that hadn't been announced yet and practically giving himself a heart attack while reading the list of accomplishments from the ACC the last few years. I was seriously worried for him the way he was clutching that piece of paper trembling from anger or excitement or the wrong dosage or something.

His argument was that since the ACC and Big 12 have had so many more teams in the Sweet 16 and beyond they should have more than the Missouri Valley this year. But that entire argument is a strawman. Of course they've had more teams advance in the tournament because the teams that typically do that have a top four seed. The highest ranked team from the MVC is Wichita State at #7 so clearly the committee isn't saying that the league is as good as the ACC with three teams seeded in the top four in their region. The question you need to be asking is does Florida State or Colorado merit inclusion based on what they accomplished not what Duke or Texas has accomplished.

FSU had the big win against Duke but they also had some bad losses. Colorado got their asses kicked in a key game against A&M and almost lost to Iowa State twice. That alone should keep them out of the tournament.

Also, I couldn't believe how Nantz and Packer were such dicks that they cut off this Littlepage guy twice when he was trying to congratulate the teams. Jeez, you're not that important that you need to interrupt him so we can hear more of your angry rants about how unfair this system is to the major conference bubble teams.

That said, what the hell was the NCAA thinking? Tennessee as a two seed? Did they seed this thing before the Vols stumbled across the finish line losing four of six?

Air Force? A team that didn't beat a single top 50 team? Maybe they deserve a bid but do we really know?

I really hate tournaments like this. I feel like every game I'm picking I have reasons that both teams will lose. Then I end up with four picks in the final four that I feel are pretty shaky and most of them are shaky for a reason. Hopefully I don't lose a final four team on the first day like I did last year.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Most pointless article ever?

Not all girls at Duke are ugly. Duke students have to study a lot? Great, so does everybody else. Thank you SI on Campus. That's some very useful and relevant news.

Also, that girl's pretty good looking but is she good looking enough to continually refer to herself as "smoking hot"?

A few items in the Truth and Rumors sections caught my eye.

Please, please, please Indiana, hire Isiah Thomas. That would just be too awesome. First, it would be a kick in the teeth to Steve Alford and the Iowa fans that hope he leaves. Second, it would be funny to watch him get outcoached by guys like Izzo and Weber every night. Third, it would be great to see the reaction from Indiana fans as he will never be able to meet their expectations and they have to force him out in five years and find another Indiana legend to coach them.

Huggy Bear going to the Big 12? That would be interesting to see him at Mizzou or K-State. The league has too many boring coaches and could use some life, someone to hate. Knight sort of fills that role but I don't think he cares about coaching anymore unless he gets to humiliate walk-ons on ESPN. I miss the glory days with Norm Stewart and Billy Tubbs. Guys you could really hate and were more than happy to wear the black hat.

After speaking with Larry Coker, Michael Irvin gave Miami's offensive direction the thumbs up. I'm sure that's a load off Coker's mind. Of course after the meeting Irvin snorted some Coker of his own.

Florida's Billy Donovan apologized to Tennessee's Bruce Pearl for several chants regarding Pearl sweating through his suit. Gross. It wasn't a problem because Pearl just Hulked up and tore the suit off his body after the game.


And, what's this? The Philly papers are saying that KC is TO's most likely next stop? I'm strangely aroused and disturbed at the same time.

On the one hand, he's TO. Can I really cheer for him? Umm, if he's catching bombs, scoring TD's,and stomping on the Bronco at midfield then, yes. Will he be able to get enough touches with LJ in the backfield? The Chiefs ran the hell out of LJ last year but that was more out of necessity. If they could lighten his load during the season the prospect of a healthy LJ, Priest, Tony G, and TO on the same team will make defenses crap themselves. Wow.

If the defense can stay at the same level they were last year or improve a little bit the Chiefs could easily be 13-3 or so. Of course if everyone keeps getting older and Will Shields leaves and Roaf gets hurt they could struggle a little bit. There's always the TO as a cancer issue but at this point, why would anyone take what he says seriously? If he rips on Trent Green everyone in KC wil be on Green's side and he can just go out and say "TO is TO, I'm going to keep throwing him touchdowns and he's going to keep bitching." The problem in Philly was that there were a lot of Eagles that agreed with TO when he ripped on McNabb.

So, hell yeah, sign him up, KC. Also, how about Ty Law to replace Warfield of McCleon at corner? Yeah, that's a slight upgrade.

What? Can't you take a joke?

Three wealthy Alabama college students were arrested for burning down nine churches in the area. According to them it was a "joke that went too far." What a great joke. I mean, I'm sure a lot of people won't "get it" but that's what the truly great comedians face. If you don't see the humor in burning down churches then, well, I guess you just need to lighten up.

Wow, Alabama sucks. They said they burnt down the first five churches while they were hunting deer and then burned down the next four to try to divert investigators. Boy, that really worked.

Those jokes are just slightly funnier than one of the TA's in my class dropping misogyny on the class all day today. Nothing like making a bunch of jokes about female drivers and saying "well you have to kick your dog if you don't have a wife" to really tell you all you need to know about a person. What a tool.

He also went on a rant about decriminalizing marijuana in the city because it allowed students to keep their access to financial aid if they get caught. Yeah, pot is such a bad thing that we really need to prevent offenders from getting an education because it might allow a former smoker to become president someday. Err, I guess our last two presidents have publicly admitted to toking up back in the day.

March Madness

Tournament pick league is up on Yahoo. All are welcome to join.

ID# 27383
Password: nocyclones?

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Gordon Parks (1912-2006)

From time to time I stop at my (usually lame) attempts at humor to recognize when someone I really admired dies. OK, I think I only did it with Hunter S. Thompson but whatever.

Today I'm honoring native Kansan, Gordon Parks. Parks was a renaissance man in every sense of the word. Photojouranlist, author, filmmaker, poet, composer, playwright. During his 20 years at Life magazine he documented American poverty, the civil rights struggle, the experience of urban blacks, among other things in a way that few photographers of his time did, and all with no formal training. He called it his "choice of weapon" to combat prejudice, poverty, and inequality.


American Gothic
This take on Grant Wood's famous painting shows a cleaning woman in DC on a day when Parks was earlier refused service at clothing store, movie theater, and restaurant because he was black.


He was also well known for his fashion photography and often commented on living in dual worlds such as shooting photos of Harlem gangs and Paris fashion shows within a week of each other.


Parks later became a writer and filmmaker with the semi-autobiographical story of his Kansas childhood in "The Learning Tree." However, it was his next film, "Shaft", that is his best-known and spawned an entire genre of blaxploitation films.

I've always admired his photography and the goals he had for all of his art. He was an amazing guy.

Here is a gallery of some of his photography at Kodak's site. It's a good representation of his work with good stories on some of his subjects.

Judge cites Billy Madison in legal opinion

In Texas Bankruptcy court the judge denied the defendent's motion for being "incomprehensible". Check out what he said in the footnote at the bottom.

That judge rules. I think this establishes precedence for MLitB's resident legal experts, Ryan and Swany, to start using movie lines in their future practices or courtroom appearances.

streak is over

You may remember Rams Guy from work. Well, tonight he ended the streak of at least two articles of clothing featuring the Rams. Marshall Faulk jersey, no hat. Pretty weak if you ask me.

Saturday, March 04, 2006

I wish I knew how to quit you



Yay, it's "It's always Duke Day here at ESPN but today we're going to make it much more obvious" Day! ESPN Classic has a profile of Coach K on right now. "I don't consider myself a baasketball cooach."

Me? I'm looking forward to former Senator and vice presidential candidate John Edwards playing H-O-R-S-E with some Duke students because that's a relevant event, right? Don't forget you're watching the supposed "Worldwide Leader in Sports", folks.

Celebrities: They're Just Like Us

A security camera at a middle school in Stillwater, Okla., caught Oklahoma State men's basketball coach Eddie Sutton holding an unidentifiable bottle and urinating on school grounds. The tape was made about 14 months ago, but OSU officials learned of it this week, The Oklahoman reported.

Authorities said Sutton could be charged with outraging public decency if anyone steps forward to say they witnessed him urinating on the grounds of Stillwater Middle School, which is near Sutton's home. Classes were not in session at the time of the alleged incident because of Christmas break, police said. It's unknown if the tape exists or has been destroyed by the public school system.

Sutton, 69, is on medical leave after admitting a problem with alcohol after a car wreck Feb. 10. He was charged with driving under the influence when a toxicology report showed his blood alcohol content to be .22, almost three times the state's legal limit.


I'm not going to lie. This brings me back to days I'm not necessarily proud of. Heh.

But, why did they cover this up for 14 months again?

The Office Fashion Award!

In my job at the unnamed major greeting card manufacturer I come in contact with many, many people that I would typically have very little contact with outside of a state fair setting. This often leads to some interesting encounters and observations that often leave me shaking my head. Well, this week I've been noticing some of the more fashionable members of my work team so in honor of them I present the first annual Office Fashion Award.

The nominees are:

Jesus Shirt Woman! Jesus Shirt Woman is known for wearing sweatpants and Jesus shirts but she really topped herself this week with the white lettering on black shirt design stating "Jesus Got R Done". Yep, nothing like taking our Lord and melding him with the annoying catchphrase of one of the original comedic rednecks who has never been seen with actual sleeves. The first thing I think of when I think of the crucifixtion is the man whose commentary on the ongoing Muslim cartoon controversy is "last year a Ziggy did get me so pissed off one time that I almost couldn't finish pooping!" Nice.

St. Louis Rams Guy! St. Louis Rams guy drives a forklift and, this is the honest truth, in the entire 3+ months I have been there I have never seen him wearing less than two articles of Rams clothing. Dead serious. I first noticed this a few weeks in and I check every day to see if he keeps it going. His ensemble consists of his ever-present St. Louis Rams visor teamed up with one of his many jerseys or Rams pullover jackets or both!. You gotta give him credit for supporting his team...every day of the year.

The 40 Year Old Stud! Sure, his glory days may be long, long ago but he's still going to do his own thing. With a gheri curled dome, the huge gold cross dangling around his neck, and his gray wifebeater that gets him into trouble every time he wears it stretched over his rippling muscles he's still got it going on!

Sweatpants Camo Guy! This man chooses to rock his own style no matter what the critics think. While tight, black sweatpants that are two inches too short have never been in style they really go well with his surplus army jacket. His face sort of resembles a graying David Koresh complete with the same glasses he's worn since 1974 and either the remnants of or beginnings to a kick-ass mullet. Hey, it may be out of style but he's going to be halfway there when it finally comes back.

And the winner is.....

Sweatpants Camo Guy! You do your thing, man!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

How not to remain calm under pressure

A plane traveling from London to Las Vegas hit some turbulence causing some of the passengers to get upset. Pretty standard, right? Passengers get upset so who do they look to for reassurance? The flight attendants. Well, not so much on this flight.

Some of the passengers turned around to see what the commotion was and saw a flight attendant "yelping" and screaming "we're going to crash" repeatedly. Somehow I'm guessing that's not exactly what they're trained to do. Can you picture the scene if they had to evacuate the plane for some reason? It would be like George Costanza pushing the old lady down trying to get away from the kitchen fire as the attendant grabs a drink tray to beat her way through the crowd.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Thieving the Sports Guy's Daily Links

I don't remember if I posted this video of the top ten dunks link a few weeks ago or not but I came across it on ESPN again. Dr. J's dunk is my favorite but the most important thing here is notice how many times Patrick Ewing shows up. That's gotta suck when you're a "superstar" and your only appearences are congratulating John Starks (on a really nice dunk) and getting hammered on twice.

The founder of Domino's is founding a city based on "Catholic principles". No abortions, no porn, no contraceptives, lots of pizza.

Now I know how Smush Parker feels

Today at work my boss decides to tell the woman running the machine that if we ran 400,000 cards on our line tonight he would give her a paid day off. Now, the number itself might seem a little abstract so I'll try to provide a little context. In the past we've had weekly goals of a little over 1 million for our whole department of 5 or 6 lines. 100,000 is an ok night for our line and 200,000 is pretty solid, and I've only been over 300,000 once. I would compare 200K to a 35 or 40 point night in the NBA so 400,000 would be the rough equivalent of 81 points.

So, there I am, a member of the "team" working my ass off just to get to some random number that I will get no benefit from. I don't get any nights off or anything from doing this other than being on the periphary of someone else's great night. I'm running around all night chucking boxes and back to the computer while we run the shit out of our machine. To make matters worse my label maker goes down which puts me way behind but there I am, passing the ball to Kobe all night. The Smush Parker of Line 4. It was pretty much how I imagine the rest of the Lakers must feel going into every game. Hey, my night is pretty much going to suck because every time I pass the ball someone else is going to get all the points and hog all the shots.

So, the final story is we fall short and finish around 357,000 which is still a ridiculous night but no one got their day off which was kind of funny in a way although I do like the people on my line so I wouldn't have been pissed at them over it.

Work blows.