Sunday, April 30, 2006

Too close for missiles, I'm switching to guns

Stephen Colbert, of the always funny Colbert Report, was the featured speaker at the White House Correspondents Dinner. This event is where Washington's government and press elite get together to rub elbows and make fun of serious topics as part of their own secret club. Who can forget Bush's video where he's looking all over the White House for the WMDs. Hahahaha, thousands dead and he's looking under the Lincoln bedroom's bed. Hilarious!

Anyway, typically they make some jokes but try not to take it too far since everyone is in the room together but Colbert pretty much said, screw that, I'm pulling out all my best sycophantic satire for this assclown. Bush laughed through some of it but pretty much looked pissed through most of it, then quickly shook Colbert's hand at the end of it and wasn't smiling.

Some of his better lines:
The government that governs best is the government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
Reality has a well known liberal bias

I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things, like aircraft carriers, rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong mesasge that no matter what happens to America she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world!
The greatest thing about this President is you know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday!
Write that novel you've got kicking around in your head--you know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the Administration--you know, fiction!
[Jesse Jackson] is a very challenging interview... It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor by the way because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

Parts 1, 2, 3 are featured below. Three is a video he made to interview for the White House Press Aide or whatever it's called. The one with Ari "Weasel" Fleischer and Scott "We don't comment on that" McClellan and Tony "Fox News paid me better to repeat the President's lines" Snow.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

This will not help his case. A man arrived for his court date on charges of stealing a stolen car. In fact police following the GPS tracker followed him right to the justice building where they had to eventually subdue him with a stun gun after he tried to run over two officers.

Sorry folks, park's closed. Moose out front shoulda told ya.

The Moose says you're closed, I say you're open.

Good to be back in Kansas, I guess

This guy is apparently advocating open warfare as a tactic for the pro-life movement. He says they've been too "nice guy" lately.

What today’s movement lacks is any sense of forcefulness. It has overcompensated for the venomous tactics used by the abortion-rights camp and now is too concerned with living out “nice guy” principles. The movement has failed to remember that once in a while, their words need to have some teeth to them.

We like to think that it was an amendment to the Constitution that freed the slaves. But, we forget that without a war, that amendment would have had no practical meaning. We like to think that maybe it was a treaty or surrender that freed the Jews and other minorities from the camps, glossing over the countless American and Allied lives that were lost in the process. We like to think that it was Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.’s speeches and demonstrations that effected their victory. But, again, we forget that movement was only successful because of the sacrifices and struggles of many men and women.

I mean, I guess I can see his point. They've only had over 150 arson attacks and 24 murders or attempted murders in the last 15 years. Jeez, that's only 2 and a half attempted murders a year! Quit playing pussy foot and start killing some people, we're pro-life dammit!
I've seen this floating around the blogosphere and thought I would hop on the bandwagon. Feel free to fill out one of your own.

Ben: A to Z
Accent: I used to be notorious for my Kansas drawl. Kandi and Bennett would endlessly make me say words like "broom", "tomb", "room", etc. It went away a little bit but might come back now that I'm back in Kansas.

Booze: Yes, please. I'm a beer guy, through and through. I love German beers and my favorite domestics are Boulevard Wheat, Michelob Golden, Free State Brewery, and my favorie cheap beer is High Life.

Chore I Hate: I hate picking up. My mother says that everywhere I go I leave a pile (or a "nest" as she calls it). My desk is cluttered. My floor is cluttered. There's even shit on the half of the bed I don't sleep on. I am my father's son.

Dog or Cat: Jake is one of the two best dogs I've ever known (obviously the other is Butch). That said, I love watching cats. You can still see their hunter instincts at work.

Essential Electronics: My computer and an internet connection. I spend a lot of time on the internet. My TV I can do without and I like my stereo but I NEED my computer.

Favorite Cologne: None. I hate smells because my nose sucks at them. My soap, shampoo, anything is the blandest possible.

Gold or Silver: Umm, I don't really care about this one. White gold is cool now, right?

Hometown: Inman, Kansas. Home of the Teutons and the self-proclaimed "Custom Cutting Capital of America" I grew up a few miles outside of town.

Insomnia: I stay up really late. Getting to sleep around 2 is an early night for me. I compensate with naps two days a week and being tired most of the time.

Job Title: Stockhandler at Hallmark and a student at KU.

Kids: Not yet but I'm seriously excited about molding my children into curious liberal brainiacs. I feel like my parents made me want to learn about everything and I want to do that for my kids. This inevitably leads to a liberal outlook on life.

Living arrangements: Subleasing a room in a duplex.

Most admirable traits: People always say I'm a really nice guy and a good listener.

Not going to cop to: Heh...umm, a lot of things I did in college while drunk.

Overnight hospital stays: None since I was a newborn.

Phobias: Rats. I hate them.

Quote: "You can't triple stamp a double stamp." Sure it's not insightful but it's the first thing that popped into my head.

Religion: Proud Mennonite although most of what I do would make a lot of them blush.

Siblings: One of the best siblings anyone could have and one of my heros, Rachel.

Time I wake up: Too early. Whether it's 7 or 12 I never want to get up.

Unusual talent or skill: Remembering things. Useless trivia, people's faces, etc. I always seem to have some totally random thing that will pop into my head.

Vegetable I love: Brocolli (sp?)

Worst habit: Smoking every time I drink

X-rays: Is this a question? Only on my teeth and lungs for a physical, I think.

Yummy foods I make: Very simple but I make a mean mac and cheese dish. Also my tuna casserole and chicken fetucine alfredo are pretty solid.

Zodiac Sign: Taurus. The sign of the Bull in the Year of the Cock.

Friday, April 28, 2006

Last Saturday we went back to Veronica's and started watching some tv. Some of my best drunken tv viewings have been the informercials. Who can forget watching Super Sounds of the 70's or whatever and trying to sing along with every song. Or, how about my personal favorite, the Best of Roy Orbison. That spawned the ROFCAC (Roy Orbison Fan Club Ames Chapter) of which I was once president.

Anyway, last Saturday we watched some knockoff of Girls Gone Wild that was pretty lame. I mean, it was like your typical GGW video but worse. Very dumb.

The highlight of the evening had to be the Complete Hee Haw Collection. Hopefully most of you remember this show that was allegedly "comedy" for rednecks before the redneck thing was "cool." I don't know if redneck is the right word so maybe "hayseed" would describe them better. Just playing up on the dumb farmer/country-type stereotype.

The show featured characters with such "witty" names as "Justice O'Peace" and "Nurse Goodbody." They also had a lot of really dumb jokes.

An example: On their official website they have three "cornfield jokes" where cast members would pop up out of a cornfield and tell little one liner jokes. So, of the three that were good enough to be included in the promotion for the show on was this gem.

You know how to catch a rabbit?
Go in the woods and make a noise like a rabbit.

Umm, was that the joke? As Huffman said, "It's hard to imagine a time when this was considered funny."

Representative Eustachy?

New York Republican John Sweeney has had some photos leaked from a frat party he attended last weekend.

Congressman John Sweeney, a Republican from the 20th district of New York State, appeared at a registered party at Alpha Delta Phi on Friday, April 22. The Congressman came from Geppetto's Bar and was described by witnesses as being inquisitive and engaging, while also acting openly intoxicated.

First, check out the dude smoking in the background of the first picture.

It was reported that one student approached the Congressman with drug paraphernalia and asked to take a picture. The Congressman refused.

Shocking, you mean he wouldn't want a photo with some college kid holding his bong? I don't get it. The stoner vote would be huge if they only remembered the date.

Ha, look how paranoid that stoned dude is now. "Oh shit, what if this guy's a narc? Ditch the pot, man!"

Tomlin described Sweeney in print as "acting openly intoxicated." He told me the congressman was "very loud and cursing," and also slurring his words while trying to discuss policy with the students.

So, Eustachy got fired for doing the exact same thing. Will this guy get reelected? Other than the fact he is a Republican I don't really have a problem with it. Well, I do have a problem with people that age partying with college kids. I mean, I'm 25 and I would feel like I was 50 if I ever tried to hit up a random kegger again. When you reach a certain point it's time to gracefully accept the fact that you are limited to the bars (and only certain bars at that).

It reminds me of the stories that a friend of mine used to tell about the Republican state reps in Iowa smoking pot and hitting on all the interns. It kind of sucks that all that stuff comes back to bite them if they run for higher office. Our politicians should be allowed to booze and smoke as much as they want (as long as they legalize it...hypocrites).

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

I read a really interesting story in the NY Times today. Basically, a group of students in a poor Harlem high school pull off a big upset by winning a robotics competition. After they won it came out that one of their team members has been in the country illegally since he was 14 and is fighting a deportation battle. It's a good read and a sad story.

Holding arguments in a pub? It's been done before. Like, by me and my college friends every weekend.

It was Leviathan, a kind of soapbox-in-a-pub that has become the city's hottest ticket by capitalizing on two time-honored Irish traditions: drinking and arguing. Held on the first Thursday of every month, it draws a sell-out crowd to Crawdaddy, a subterranean club in the arched stone vault of an old train tunnel on Harcourt Street.
The lively if somewhat goofy forum is popular with union organizers, working stiffs and university students alike, who pay 20 euros ($25, at $1.26 to the euro) to be heard and entertained.
"Get involved with the panel as much as possible," Mr. McWilliams instructs the crowd. "If you have questions, if you have issues, if you're irate, if you're sympathetic, by all means ..." But before the main event, the audience gets warmed up by Paddy Cullivan, an irreverent lounge singer, who performs a set of topical parodies. An Islamic send-up of a McDonald's commercial gets a hardy chuckle, and gives everyone plenty of time to settle into their candlelit tables — and pints of Guinness.
With some people clearly buzzed, the panelists appear sometime after 10 p.m. The stage has two black leather couches under spotlights, like the set of a television talk show.
"It's about trying to recapture a bit of public space in this town," he says. "People here are educated," he says, but they like getting drunk. "There's nothing worse than a sober group taking itself too seriously."

Cracked has a tourney of hate for ESPN catchphrases. Not surprisingly Chris Berman and Stu Scott are well-represented among 1 and 2 seeds. My money's on "He...could...go...all...the...way."

Please stop

No sooner had Brett Favre finally released us from the excruciating 2005-06 "Will he retire?"-watch by announcing that he will stay than the dudes on ESPN started debating if next year will be his last season. Ugh, you've got to be kidding me. First, you guys have no clue if he will retire or not and are just guessing and pretending anyone should give a crap about your opinion. Second, why do we care? He's washed up and dragged this out way, way too long. Just make him go away already.

He bitched and bitched about how management needed to improve the team if they wanted him back, they did nothing, and he comes back anyway. Gee, thanks for wasting everyone's time.

If only we could tie the Favre story to TO somehow...

(Sidenote: Favre's last game is New Year's Eve at Soldier Field. Will Bears' fans wuss out and cheer him if he announces he is going to retire? If that actually is his last game there is no way I'll be able to watch just because the announcers will be absolutely brutal. By the end of the game he will be mentioned with Gandhi and George Washington and possibly nominated for sainthood.)

Monday, April 24, 2006

My old friend, Kansas State Board of Ed member Connie Morris, was at a panel discussion on education in Garden City and reportedly said, "I want us to put the next Sputnik on Mars."


Friday, April 21, 2006

Interesting Cyclone basketball note

The word on the internets is that Alex Thompson will transfer from Iowa to ISU before next season. He will be a junior and is originally from Ames. Personally, I wasn't impressed with him very much but he was only a sophomore and honestly, how good can you look playing for Steve Alford? What makes this story even better is that he wants away from Iowa so badly that he's leaving his scholarship there to walk-on at ISU. It's pretty clear that Iowa basketball is a sinking ship that just signed the anchor pulling them down to a five year extension after he tried to throw his name into just about every open job with no takers. Steve's a brick and you're drowning slowly...

So, seems like a pretty good deal to me. Thompson had quite a few major offers coming out of high school (ISU, Iowa, Wisconsin, interest from KU) and now he gets to redshirt a year under McDermott and have two years to play after that without taking up a scholarship (at least for his first year). Can anyone name a player on Iowa's team next year not named Adam Haluska? Because I'm not sure I can.

The Mighty Midget: Date Raped!

Some of you might remember current Ohio and former Nebraska head football coach Frank Solich got picked up for a DUI a while back. Well, some toxicology came back and he apparently tested positive for GHB, the date rape drug. So, I guess that would explain why they found him passed out in his car with the engine running. It might also describe the strange man sitting on his lap...

This doesn't have much relevance to the story but it does remind me of the game he was coaching when I got drunk while tailgating and we wrote all over my body in black magic marker including "Frank Solich = Mighty Midget." It was also like 40 degrees that game and I started my usual uncontrollable shaking about 30 seconds after the opening kickoff. I'm a little hazy but I don't think this was the same game that you guys put me up to body surf after every touchdown. Although I was also shirtless, freezing, and drunk in that game.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand. If he was slipped a mickey does that really absolve him? He was too hepped up on something to get his car down the street and whether that something was GHB, alcohol, or goofballs he shouldn't have been behind the wheel. Witnesses said he was slamming margaritas and shots and was visibly impaired when he left so, where's his defense?

If I remember correctly Ohio University is one of the legendary party schools and I guess I can see why when the coach is slamming booze laced with GHB. Party on, Frank.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Spangles comes to Lawrence

Most of you have probably never eaten at a Spangles in your life since they are only found in Kansas but it's a pretty solid fast food burger/sandwich place. I'm a big fan of the 1/3 pound Western Burger with bbq sauce and onion rings and their fries are tasty as well. Sometimes they have a 1/3 lb Gourmet Burger with fries and a drink for $3 and halfprice burgers on Mondays. Plus, they sell cinammon rolls made by Amish. The Amish!

Anyway, I saw in the paper today that they're opening a Lawrence location and the first 100 people in line at 5:30 AM on Tuesday get free food for a year. People can start lining up and tailgating 24 hours in advance so, yeah, I guess I have my Monday planned.

Seriously, free Spangles for a year? Goodbye, grocery bill, hello, heart attack.

So, fellow Lawrencians, let's get our free Spangles. All it will probably take is camping out in their parking lot on Monday night. We even get free Mudslide deserts and Orange Slushies at 4 AM. And 52 free meals!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Yo Momma

I may have found the worst show on TV. It's MTV's "Yo Momma" hosted by Wilmer Valaramahamama. The premise of the show is two guys tell insulting jokes about each other to determine which city has the best trash-talkers.

OK, first of all, way to be on the cutting edge MTV. Remember when "Yo Momma" jokes were 4th grade? I mean, who actually says those anymore? So, I'm watching in the assumption they will at least have some new jokes but they're using the same shit that's been used for the past 15 years. "Yo momma like a hardware store, 25 cents a screw." And the idiots they have in the audience all cover their mouths and go "daaaaamn!" Umm, have they not heard these before? Then, there's no consistancy in these jokes. The same guy started jokes with "yo momma so fat" and "yo momma so skinny." So, which is it? I'm beginning to think that you don't even KNOW my momma!

We've determined that the premise is entirely played and lame but what about the host? It's got Wilmer (I'm too lazy to look up how to spell his last name) Valdarama playing the part of the host. He's dressed in his best hip hop clothes and trying to sound "street" but his accent comes across like a mix between a bad Mexican gangsta and Fez. Dude, we know you're a wuss that lucked out and dated some of the hottest women in Hollywood but you really can't pull this one off. You're not "street" and no one takes you seriously when you try to do this.

Retro viruses

I'm not sure how I feel about all these retro diseases. I mean, first mumps were back in a big way and I'm feeling like we're finally about to hit the peak of that fad when the plague comes back. Yeah, that's right, the Black Death is blowing up on the West Coast. Personally, I thought it was a little played-out in the 14th Century when a third of Europe's population died but it did make comebacks in the 17th and 18th Centuries. They always say these things go in cycles. I still think that something fresh like the Bird Flu would be better.

...and fuck new york too

Some tram was stuck in the air in New York City for a few hours. Apparently this is national news? So, there's this goofy kid that gave updates by his cellphone and got on like three national shows this morning and the ABC News Tonight.

He said, "It's like I'm Spiderman and I'm getting a Medal of Honor."

Yeah, it's exactly like that, you dork. Spiderman? Medal of Honor? You sat in a tram for a few hours and told people to be calm and now you're Spiderman and worthy of the highest medal awarded in this country? Big freaking deal!

New Yorkers, proving once again, that they are a cool bunch under pressure. It was a remarkable show of calmness among the 69 people trapped on the trams last night.

New Yorkers are such fricking idiots for thinking that everything they deal with is the biggest thing ever and worthy of telling the rest of the world about. Do we hear stories about people trapped in elevators somewhere else? Umm, no, because no one else gives a shit. Way to go, New Yorkers. You managed to sit in a tram for 11 hours and not resort to cannibalism. The Tram victims are the real heroes.

Dax said adults on the tram danced to cell phone rings and told jokes to entertain the kids.

OK, when people start dancing to cell phone rings is when I start to toss those phones into the river. Maybe it really was brutal up there.


A collection of the random today.

BJ had this photo of an article in his away message today. It states that, for a man, staring at a woman's breasts for ten minutes is the equivalent of half an hour at the gym. "We belive that by doing so consistantly a man can extend his life four to five years." Unfortunately, doing this consistantly will also take five years off your life by getting kicked in the junk every day.

Today was a beautiful day outside but I didn't really notice because I felt like crap for most of it. I'm pretty sure sleeping 4-5 hours a night is beginning to catch up with me and it really sucks.

On my way out the door my roommate tells me that the landlords sent us some sort of letter telling us we needed to clean up our place. Now, I will concede the point that it's pretty much a pit right now but it was my understanding that they already found someone to lease the place so why can't we live like slobs if we want to? I can already see them coming in for final inspection telling us it's the worst place they'd ever seen like they did at the No-Fun Zone. Of course it's a little tough to believe ol' LarCo when they told the downstairs guys the exact same thing.

My classes were absolutely ridiculous today starting with hurrying to campus for my first class only to watch some boring video of a TV show from TLC. And it wasn't even about Wolf Boy! The next class I spent most of the day trying to figure out how to turn the page of my NY Times without creating a major disturbance. After that I had to go buy a giant Snickers bar before I collapsed due to starvation. Another boring lecture. Next class, another slightly less boring lecture. Next class, we just worked on genetics problems in groups.

Now, normally, I try to avoid the stereotypical "whine about my life" posts here in the Basement but, whatever, today sucked and I felt like posting something. Deal with it.

Saturday, April 15, 2006


Gas is going back towards $3 a gallon and this asshole is getting a $400 million retirement package. Maybe he can use it to surgically repair his jowls.

Oh, and by the way, his company still owes the US $5 billion in damages from the Valdez oil spill. Think we'll be getting that anytime soon? I mean, it's not like you guys have any money lying around or anything...

Thursday, April 13, 2006

"Oh no, religion I don't agree with in schools!"

This is a great story. Makes my heart all warm inside.

Several Kansas Bored of Education members were touring a middle school in Wichita. They went into a science classroom where students were studying rocks (no doubt they were 6,000 year old rocks) when they saw a picture of the Flying Spaghetti Monster on the teacher's door.

First, I will introduce the players. Sue Gamble is one of the moderate (sane?) members of the board and Connie Morris is one of the wackos. Not only is she advocating reducing evolution and introducing intelligent design (Christian creationism) into science classes but she also made news by saying that schools should (illegally) refuse to educate children of illegal immigrants and in favor of a mandatory nine-week abstinance course. Yes, she wants to spend 9 weeks a year teaching kids not to do it. Can we just cut to the chase and eliminate any actual, you know, education from the curriculum so we can have "Connie Morris presents: The Bible as She Sees It!"?

Gamble said that when she saw the picture during the tour, she knew that some board members wouldn't approve of it.

"When we went into that classroom, students were looking at rock formations," Gamble said. "Connie stopped to talk to a teacher and I moved on. That was when I was aware of the flyer. I thought 'she's probably going to say something to the teacher.' "

Gamble said that when Morris saw the picture, she asked the principal, who was on the tour, to take it down. Jantz did not comment for this report.

Gamble said she didn't see Morris talk to Randy Mousley, the teacher, or to the principal, but that she later went up to Mousley and asked if Morris said anything to him about the picture.

That's when Gamble learned that Morris had asked the principal to take it down.

The monster's picture has hung on the door since September or October and was put up there as a joke, Mousley said.

"It's a parody," he said. "It's just making fun of anti-evolution."

Another report had Morris angrily trying to argue with the teacher.

Gamble said she told the principal that it was his decision whether the monster could stick around.

"I advised the principal that Morris has no authority," she said. "I told him to deal with his staff as he saw fit, not by what a state board member says."

Board chairman Steve Abrams, who voted for the new standards, didn't see the picture but said he thinks that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is silly.

"Personally, I think it's juvenile," he said.

The picture was still on the door at the end of the school day Wednesday.

Personally, I think it's criminal to screw with education the way you guys have. Teaching evolution does nothing to harm religion and in the end you're fighting a losing battle. Many, many scientists have no problem reconciling their religious and scientific beliefs as they both to strive completely different questions. If you want your child to believe in a 6,000 year old Earth or a literal interpretation of the story in the Bible then you should absolutely go do that. Teach it in Sunday School, your house, anywhere but a public science classroom because it isn't science.

I would love to get a job in this area after I (finally) finish with all my school but what bioscience company will be interested in coming to a state where we're attempting to set education back 90 years? What company will take my high school or college diploma seriously because they immediately link "Kansas" and "anti-science" in their minds. Stop screwing with my future and, dammit Kansas, we voted these loons out last time they embarrassed the state, now we need to keep them out in the off years.

So, kudos to this science teacher for standing up to the board and kudos the the four sane members that continue to fight the good fight and understand the rest of us. They wrote return letters to the founder of Pastafarianism that are posted on the Flying Spaghetti Monster webpage. They have a sense of humor and understand the ridiculous nature of these anti-education asshats.

Until later, Ramen.

People are dumb

You knew this already but I will submit two more pieces of evidence.

Example A:
WATERLOO, Iowa (AP) - Some people will do anything to get out of work. Police in Iowa have arrested two people accused of filing a fake obituary with a newspaper to get off of work for a few days. Police say James Snyder and Mary Jo Jensen submitted a death notice to the Waterloo newspaper, saying that Jensen's 17-year-old son had died after a lengthy illness. Snyder was charged with tamperingwith records. Jensen was charged with being an accessory after the fact. Police say the pair, who worked at Tyson Foods in Waterloo, started taking time off of work in December saying her son was sick and in a hospital. Authorities were notified after the teen was spotted at a restaurant.

These fools thought that by sending in an obituary for their son they could get out of work for a few days. Did it ever occur to them that some people might actually know their son and see him walking around? Waterloo isn't that big that no one will notice that the 17 year old in the obit section isn't actually, you know, dead.

"Hey, man, uhh, didn't you die?"
"No, that was just some scam my parents made up."
"Oh, cool."

Hope those few days off were worth it, loser.

Example B:
A man and woman from Missouri went a different route and faked the birth of sextuplets. Yes, they went so far as to make a website, faked pictures of her pregnancy, set up a baby room, and even bought diapers.

They claimed the infants were still in the hospital and managed to get a frontpage story in the Independence Examiner begging for donations to help their poor, premature babies. People donated cash, gift certificates, a washer, a dryer, and even wanted to help them find a house.

"I want to be with them all the time," Sarah Everson (45 years old!) said, breaking into tears. "I don't like being away from them."

Err, except it turns out you're never with them.

Once they got caught Kris Everson said, "We didn't mean to hurt anybody. We did it out of financial reasons."

Holy shit. If you're going to go through that much trouble how about you just find a freaking job?!?!? And hurting people is exactly what you were trying to do. Why would you think it's ok to scam good-hearted (if not so bright) people just so you could have their stuff? And, once again, why would you think you could get away with it? Is no one ever going to follow up on this? Are no hospitals going to say, hey, where are those babies anyway? These people are idiots. Absolute white trash idiots. Does this surprise anyone that this happened in Missouri?

The video on CNN is priceless. The guy has a ponytail, some sort of wispy goatee/soul patch, and NASCAR stickers on his truck while she was wearing a Taz shirt and has a really bad dyejob.

I think someone needs to call KAKE on Your Side so they can do one of their cheesy stories on the 10:00 news.

The problem? White trash midwestern losers are faking births and deaths for their own advantages.

The solution? Stop listening to white trash midwestern losers when they give ridiculous stories.
Here's a long but good read on some of the Iran stuff I talked about below. I recommend reading the whole thing, especially if you're into international politics and predicting the reactions of states, even to actions as crazy and immoral as unleashing nuclear warfare.

Even by the corrupt and debased standards of our times, this is a remarkable thing. The U.S. government is planning aggressive nuclear war (the neocons can give it whatever doublespeak name they like, but it is what it is); those plans have been described in some detail in a major magazine and on the front page of the Washington Post; the most the President of the United States is willing to say about it is that the reports are "speculative" (which is not a synonym for "untrue") and yet as I write these words the lead story on the CNN web site is:

ABC pushes online TV envelope

ABC is going to offer online streams of some of its most popular television shows, including "Desperate Housewives" and "Lost," for free the day after they first air on broadcast TV.

It appears our long national journey towards complete idiocy is over. We've arrived.

The bottom line is that most of the world’s powers – and nearly all of its weak countries – have a vested interest in sucking up to the hegemon, or at least in not antagonizing it. And this would still be true even if the hegemon turns out to be a full-fledged nuclear war criminal. If the realists are correct (and their batting average has been pretty high lately) neither morality nor democracy are likely to change that fact. States run by religious lunatics and self-appointed messiahs are still the exception, not the rule, in the global cockpit. Most states are as single-minded and relentless in the pursuit of their interests as your average Renaissance pope – like sharks, in other words, although not as warm and cuddly.

It’s possible, of course, that I’m dead wrong about the short-term effects of a strike on Iran. It could quickly lead to economic catastrophe and a wider war, or evolve into a full-fledged U.S. invasion and occupation of Iran – i.e. “regime change.” This may be the entire essence of the neocon plan. The resulting quagmire could make the Vietnam War look like a minor colonial skirmish with the natives. But even if none of these nightmares come to pass, it’s still a fair bet – based on recent experience – that the long-term consequences of war with Iran would be wholly bad, both for America and the world.

But my thought exercise – What if we started a nuclear war and everybody pretended not to notice? – is still useful, if only as a reminder of how easy it can be to lead gullible people down a path that ends in a place no sane human being would ever want to go. A nation that can live with the idea of launching a nuclear first strike isn’t likely to have much trouble with the rest of the program – particularly when its people, like their leader, are convinced they’ve been chosen to save the world.

War with Iran inevitable?

This Iran stuff is really starting to freak me out. First, there's this piece inthe New Yorker.

A government consultant with close ties to the civilian leadership in the Pentagon said that Bush was “absolutely convinced that Iran is going to get the bomb” if it is not stopped. He said that the President believes that he must do “what no Democrat or Republican, if elected in the future, would have the courage to do,” and “that saving Iran is going to be his legacy.”

One former defense official, who still deals with sensitive issues for the Bush Administration, told me that the military planning was premised on a belief that “a sustained bombing campaign in Iran will humiliate the religious leadership and lead the public to rise up and overthrow the government.” He added, “I was shocked when I heard it, and asked myself, ‘What are they smoking?’ ”

When you listen to what the administration is saying in public and in private it all sounds exactly like what they did in the runup to Iraq. They're still just as delusional in their assumptions that the people of these countries will come running to our aid as soon as we start dropping bombs on them. I mean, are you fucking serious? Shit doesn't work like that.

The House member said that no one in the meetings “is really objecting” to the talk of war. “The people they’re briefing are the same ones who led the charge on Iraq. At most, questions are raised: How are you going to hit all the sites at once? How are you going to get deep enough?” (Iran is building facilities underground.) “There’s no pressure from Congress” not to take military action, the House member added. “The only political pressure is from the guys who want to do it.” Speaking of President Bush, the House member said, “The most worrisome thing is that this guy has a messianic vision.”

Once again no one will stand up and say, "enough!" Congress is about to wake up one day and realize that they spent so much time rubber stamping everything this asshole sent to them that that's the only tool they've got left. The last line sums it up too. This dude is convinced he's on a mission from God to do what no one else will come hell or high water. He's like some damn kid except he's got his finger on the button and the devil on his shoulder in the form of Dick Cheney. "Come on, just do it. They all say you won't and can't but you'll show them. It's all up to you, Georgie."

Don't think they're crazy enough to use nukes?

The attention given to the nuclear option has created serious misgivings inside the offices of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, he added, and some officers have talked about resigning. Late this winter, the Joint Chiefs of Staff sought to remove the nuclear option from the evolving war plans for Iran—without success, the former intelligence official said. “The White House said, ‘Why are you challenging this? The option came from you.’ ”

The Pentagon adviser on the war on terror confirmed that some in the Administration were looking seriously at this option, which he linked to a resurgence of interest in tactical nuclear weapons among Pentagon civilians and in policy circles. He called it “a juggernaut that has to be stopped.” He also confirmed that some senior officers and officials were considering resigning over the issue. “There are very strong sentiments within the military against brandishing nuclear weapons against other countries,” the adviser told me. “This goes to high levels.” The matter may soon reach a decisive point, he said, because the Joint Chiefs had agreed to give President Bush a formal recommendation stating that they are strongly opposed to considering the nuclear option for Iran.

The ramifications of a nuclear war in Iran? Just think about the fact that China and Russia get most of their oil from Iran, nuclear Pakistan's secular regime is hanging on by a thread, and Iran could have a network of terrorists set up that make al Qaeda look like a couple of kids with firecrackers. It's not hard to imagine retaliatory strikes or a worldwide depression. Even the best case scenario has the US becoming a pariah within the world community.

The divide between supporters of nuclear strikes, like Donald Rumsfeld, and those that oppose it, anyone with half a brain, is becoming more evident as high-ranking former officers speak their mind.

It's my fear that the runup is happening faster than many people think it might. Why else would they chose to release propaganda like this.

Iran, which is defying United Nations Security Council demands to cease its nuclear program, may be capable of making a nuclear bomb within 16 days if it goes ahead with plans to install thousands of centrifuges at its Natanz plant, a U.S. State Department official said.

``Natanz was constructed to house 50,000 centrifuges,'' Stephen Rademaker, U.S. Assistant Secretary of State for International Security and Nonproliferation, told reporters today in Moscow. ``Using those 50,000 centrifuges they could produce enough highly enriched uranium for a nuclear weapon in 16 days.''

Even Iran admitted the uranium they enriched was only 3.5%, a far cry from the 80% needed for a bomb, let alone the technology needed for a warhead. To get to 80% they'll need 16,000 instead of the current 180. And the Russians agree.

Obviously, they are not above using false intelligence reports to sell their case.

I may have my tinfoil hat on today but I really don't trust these guys. I truly think they don't give a fuck about anything that doesn't involve making their friends money or living out their neocon wet dreams no matter what the cost is. Keep your eyes open but I think there's a really big chance we're dropping bombs on Iraq within a year. I just hope they come to their senses, especially if they're nuclear.

And we now return to my normally scheduled bullshit.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

ATF vs. Ninjas

ATF agents on the campus of the University of Georgia pulled a gun on and tackled a student leaving a Ninjas vs. Pirates party because he was acting in a "somewhat suspicious manner."

This raises several questions. Where in alcohol, tobacco, and firearms are ninjas covered? Sure ninjas love to flip out and kill people all the time but they certainly don't use firearms.

Second, why the hatred toward ninjas? Personally, I would feel the pirates leaving the party would pose a much greater threat with their constant looting and pillaging.

Third, who would win between ninjas and pirates? Pirates are badasses but you just can't fuck with a ninja. According the Real Ultimate Power website in the year 400 C.E. 2 ninjas flipped out and killed a whole squadron of pirates and didn't even think twice about it. Don't get me wrong, pirates are total hardasses and could destroy almost everything but they just don't match up well with ninjas.

Fourth, what is up with that ATF guy? He does know that this kid is just a pretend ninja, right? There's really no need to jam your knee into his neck.

Best. Drink. Ever.

I'll take ten.

LOUISVILLE, Ky. - As if custom-made hats, premium box seats and limo rides weren’t enough, the Kentucky Derby will now feature the $1,000 mint julep.

Sip this drink slowly.

The sweet cocktail will be made with one of the state’s finest bourbons and served in a gold-plated cup with a silver straw to the first 50 people willing to put down the cash at the May 6 race.

Mint from Morocco, ice from the Arctic Circle and sugar from the South Pacific will put this mint julep in a class of its own, the distillery selling the drink said.

“We thought we would reflect on and complement the international nature of the Kentucky Derby,” said Chris Morris, master distiller for Woodford Reserve. The distillery, owned by Louisville-based Brown-Forman Corp., will sell the drink only on race day to raise money for a charity for retired race horses.

The company already sells about 90,000 mint juleps at the Derby each year but hopes what’s being dubbed the “ultimate” mint julep will catch on. Those who buy the $1,000 cocktail will get to watch Morris and others make it.
The new 24-karat gold cup promotion fits in with the high-class atmosphere, said Gary Regan, a spirit and cocktail expert who’s been to the Derby twice.

Seems like a pretty sweet drink other than the gold cup and silver straw. I mean, who are you, Lil John?


I said, who are you, Lil John?


The article also got me wondering if ice from the Arctic Circle is really better than ice here? Couldn't you just get some pure water that didn't have polar bears pissing on it? Who is collecting this ice and how much are they paid? Are there other places that only serve Arctic Circle ice?

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

I haven't seen booing like this since they were escorting Steve Bartman out of Wrigley.

WASHINGTON - Greeted with loud boos and some cheers, Vice President Dick Cheney threw out the ceremonial first pitch Tuesday at the Washington Nationals’ home opener.

I guess that's bound to happen when you're just slightly more popular than oral herpes. Fortunately, the VP one hopped the ball to the plate instead of shooting the guy in the face.

Here's the video.

Best feud since Biggie-Tupac

Rival Bands Clash Over Little-Person KISS Tribute
Joey Fatale, the 4-foot, 4-inch New Yorker who heads the all-dwarf KISS tribute band MiniKiss, is denying published reports that he tried to sneak past security last month at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas to confront a rival band leader, 4-foot "Little" Tim Loomis of Tiny Kiss, for allegedly ripping off his idea for such a group.

Loomis, a former drummer for MiniKiss, was performing with Tiny Kiss, which includes three little people and a 350-pound woman, on St. Patrick's Day at Beacher's Madhouse, a Las Vegas variety show, when the incident occurred.

Loomis told the Post: "[Fatale] came out here [to Las Vegas] and tried to cause trouble, so I had him 86'd from the Hard Rock. The impression I got was that he was looking for a fight. He'd been threatening me over the phone."

But Fatale disputed the accusation, telling The Times: "This whole thing about me going to the Hard Rock with my gang — that didn't happen. What happened was, I went there because somebody told me [Tiny Kiss was] doing the show that night.... Nobody escorted me out of there. I went there by myself to approach them as a gentleman."

Personally, probably like most of you, I've always viewed MiniKISS as the superior band and always felt that Tiny Kiss was a bit of a gimmick. I mean, a 350 pound woman with three little people? Come on. However, that said, isn't this the Land of Opportunity? Shouldn't this great country of ours be able to support two KISS tribute bands featuring little people? I certainly think so.

Perhaps we should arrange a meeting between these two mini-Genes and the mothers of Tupac and Biggie so they can see what can happen when these things are left unchecked.

Monday, April 10, 2006

A group of Inter Milan fans, angered by the team's unexpected elimination from the Champions League, attacked the players at Malpensa airport late Saturday night after an Italian league victory. Fans shouted insults as the players arrived. In a parking lot outside, some masked fans turned violent, leaving midfielder Cristiano Zanetti with a bruise on his head. Two police officers were injured.

This reminds me of the Movmentarians episode of The Simpsons when Bart and Homer go to greet the football team at the airport after they lost the big game.

"Hey, I'll give you something to cry about, you loser! You can't catch a football? Let's see if you can catch a rock!"

The World of High Fashion

"Why do you hate models, Matilda?"
"I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered."
"I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?"

This weekend I was up in Ames and took Veronica to see the Iowa State Textiles and Fashion department fashion show since she knew two of the designers and two of the models. For me it was an easy way to build up some points to cash in the next time I want to watch some sporting event that she doesn't want to. I mean, I sit there for two hours watching hot girls model sexy, interesting clothes and she gets to spend time with me doing something she enjoys. It's win-win for everyone.

I wasn't sure what to expect from this whole thing but came away pretty impressed. They had it in Stephens and it was almost full so there was a pretty large crowd. Most of the fashions were good (this will go in my portfolio when I apply at the New York Times Style section. Uhh...they were good and stuff) and there weren't too many that I thought were totally lame. Take it for what it's worth because on a list of adjectives that will never describe me "fashionable" and "metrosexual" are two that are probably near the top, but I came away impressed and can see why ISU has a highly ranked program in this stuff.

One of the models we knew was modeling one of the dresses that won Best in Show, a collection of three black dresses called "Faith, Hope, and Love" with some really sweet neon block patterns with pictures or words. They're threatening to take away my heterosexuality card revoked so I'll just stop it there and say that fashion shows are a great way to build goodwill with your girlfriend.

Friday, April 07, 2006

Haha, fuck you, America! We're rich, bitch!

Photoshop I found.

Try to stay with me here

I have a lot to cover and not much time to do it before I want to go to bed. I had the makings of a pretty solid post going but tried to watch a video of the new landfish fossil and my stupid ass computer locked up. Clearly too many midget-on-goat porn websites have left me with a virus load that the computer finds difficult to handle from time to time. You will be getting the leftovers of what I remembered and what I feel like ranting about.

First, don't let anyone ever tell you that liberals are extremists that aren't in touch with everyday Americans. If these dead-enders are part of the 36 percent that still support the job that Bush is doing then THEY are the extremists that are out of touch. Also in that poll, Congressional Republicans poll even worse at 30 percent. I'm trying not to get my hopes up considering how many times I've seen the Dems crash and burn on election day but they should be able to make some significant gains in '06.

"'He's in over his head,' said Diane Heller, 65, a Pleasant Valley, N.Y., real estate broker and independent voter."
I couldn't agree more. It's tough to find anything that he has handled well since he became president. The "War on Terror" is the "highlight" of his presidency but we still don't have bin Laden, Afghanistan is threatening to execute converted Christians, Iraq still can't form a government for all the car bombs. Let's not even get into the economy, Katrina, education, civil liberties, social security, or anything else that he has either fucked up or tried to fuck up.

Second, big news on the science front. Scientists have found a so-called "missing link" between sea and land animals. They found a few fossils of fish that had the beginnings of legs and arms that included elbows and wrists, a head that could turn, and the ability to draw air into lungs without gills. I think this is pretty cool. If you are interested in more read Carl Zimmer's thoughts on The Loom.

This thing is really, really old. Like over 380 million years old. To put things in perspective Canada was sitting on the Equator then. The first human ancestors weren't even walking on two feet until at least 3.9 million years ago. Anatomically modern humans didn't show up until 190,000 years ago. No human had set foot in the Americas until 30,000 (?) years ago. 380 million. We're talking really old.

Paul has an entertaining post about computer games and their effect on reality over at Nerd Heaven. Some World of Warcraft players were having an online funeral for one of their friends that died in real life and some other players ambushed them during it. On the one hand, the video is hilarious. On the other hand, these people took it really seriously and were probably hurt. I still have to come down on the side that it was pretty funny. I mean, they were having an online funeral. Step back into reality.

Al Franken on debating Ann Coulter. The link at the bottom to his prepared remarks is highly recommended. In her remarks she dropped a few racial bombs and then got pissed when people were offended. Pretty much par for the course for her.

I saw Ann speak about a year ago or so in Ames. She started off by saying that liberals can't ask a good question and all they do is stand up there, stomp their foot, and say "that's not fair!" Then she complained about how no liberals ever let her speak and they are always booing her. So, it comes to question time and the first liberal asks a very well-thought out, intelligent question and half the audience starts clapping. I had assumed most of the people there were conservative people that lap up her race-baiting, hypocritical bullshit like it was the nectar of the gods but it turns out that the liberals there let her speak and were more than content to make her look like a fool during the question session. Nearly everyone asked smart questions that she chose to duck by either bashing the asker with her usual stereotypical BS or picking one small piece of the question and turning into a red herring to completey avoid answering it. In other words stomping her foot and saying "that's not fair." She's a joke.

What happened to the dude that played Napolean Dynamite? Pretty much exactly what I thought would happen. There just too much of him in that character to do anything else unless he's really good. Now he's reduced to making movies with Rob Schneider. That's probably half a step below Cinemax porn. Critics are complaining because studios have decided not to give advance screenings for movies like The Benchwarmer and Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector. Personally, I'd be sending them a fruitbasket for not forcing me to waste 90 minutes of my life.


Wednesday, April 05, 2006

A nuclear era but I have no fear...

LONDON (Reuters) - British anti-terrorism detectives escorted a man from a plane after a taxi driver had earlier become suspicious when he started singing along to a track by punk band The Clash, police said Wednesday.

Detectives halted the London-bound flight at Durham Tees Valley Airport in northern England and Harraj Mann, 24, was taken off.

The taxi driver had become worried on the way to the airport because Mann had been singing along to The Clash's 1979 anthem "London Calling," which features the lyrics "Now war is declared -- and battle come down" while other lines warn of a "meltdown expected."

Mann told British newspapers the taxi had been fitted with a music system which allowed him to plug in his MP3 player and he had been playing The Clash, Procol Harum, Led Zeppelin and the Beatles to the driver.

"He didn't like Led Zeppelin or The Clash but I don't think there was any need to tell the police," Mann told the Daily Mirror.

A Durham police spokeswoman said Mann had been released after questioning -- but had missed his flight.

"The report was made with the best of intentions and we wouldn't want to discourage people from contacting us with genuine concerns," she said.

I'm guessing if "London Calling" well get you sent in then half of my collection will put me away. This is so obnoxious that everytime people see something like this they feel they are being a hero by turning someone into the authorities. The same thing happened to Henry Rollins because he was reading "Jihad: The Rise of Militant Islam in Central Asia" on a plane.

It kind of reminds me of "The Guns of Brixton", another song from the Clash:
When they kick out your front door
How you gonna come?
With your hands on your head
Or on the trigger of your gun

When the law break in
How you gonna go?
Shot down on the pavement
Or waiting on death row

Obviously any further discussion on our oft-delayed "Jihad! The Movie" script will have to be negotioted in the privacy of our own homes and not in an airplane or taxi cab. For those that don't know in early 2001 several of my friends at Iowa State were in the creative process for a movie about terrorists attacking Ames.

The early buzz was fantastic. We even got a quote (sort of) from one Jamaal Tinsley. We were returning from a shopping trip to obtain props for the movie and he was sitting on the smoker's table downstairs drinking a 40 (this was after the Hampton game when JT gained about 15 pounds but balanced it out by losing 15 spots in the draft). He looked at us and shook his head and laughed. It was going right on the poster:

"(shakes head) (laughs)" - JT
"Possibly the most offensive thing I've ever seen." - Everyone else

So, things seem great. We checked out a video camera from ISU, bought the props, and came up with a few key plot points. Then things started to go wrong. First, I think we got drunk and forgot about it. Then, the semester ended and we all went to our various homes but still discussing a revival of the project in the fall of 2001. However, one September morning that all changed and the country just wasn't ready for our vision. Clearly we aren't the type of people to scale back or give in to those that would have our projected diluted into something for mass consumption so we chose to table "Jihad!", perhaps forever.

I believed in that movie and I believe in it today. I won't allow those on the right and the left that will criticize our intentions, lack of any sort of experience whatsoever, and our committment to crush my dream.


(just so people are clear I do not support terrorism in any form, or violent overthrow of the government, or racial stereotyping. "jihad!" was a satirical film that could be interpreted many different ways. thank you)

It's like Choose Your Own Adventure but for car ads

Chevy has a site where you can create your own Tahoe ad and enter it into some contest with the Apprentice or something, but that's not really the point. The point is that when something like this appears on the internets people do creative things with them. Here are some that are either poignant or funny or both. Enjoy.

The 2006 Tahoe

No, you are not hallucinating


Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Benjamin --


Visually addictive

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at

I am rather fetching...

Sunday, April 02, 2006

A blast from the past from the dorm door of two of the ditzier girls I've ever known. Click to enlarge.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

If you can dodge a Bible, you can dodge a ball

Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion, and degradation.

Youth minister smites dodgeball opponent

Saturday, April 1, 2006 Posted: 0354 GMT (1154 HKT)

LIBERTY, Missouri (AP) -- A youth minister was charged with assault for allegedly knocking down a 16-year-old boy and kicking him in the groin after taking a head shot from the teen in a dodgeball game.
David M. Boudreaux, 27, was charged Wednesday with one count of third-degree assault. According to court documents, the incident happened in February at Crescent Lake Christian Academy.
Authorities said the teen missed Boudreaux with one throw but then knocked the youth minister's glasses off with the next.
The boy apologized, authorities said, but Boudreaux pushed him backward, and when the teen got up again Boudreaux kicked him in the groin and left.
The teen suffered whiplash and post-concussion syndrome and had blood in his urine after being kicked, according to court records.
Boudreaux later apologized, prosecutors said.
Jeanne D. Hewitt, administrator of Crescent Lake Christian Academy, said Boudreaux had been placed on administrative leave.

This is one intense youth pastor.

Marcus Fizer MVP...

...of NBADL.

He also got some more good news as he signed another 10 day contract with the Hornets although he is replacing a waived Jackson Vroman (out for the year with broken wrist but did start 19 games this season). Fizer is averaging 22.7 points, 7.8 boards, and 3.3 assists. Watching him dominate in 2000 I never would have guessed he would be in the DL and signing 10 day contracts. It just seems like there has to be a place for him somewhere. Looking at his career he's had some bad luck. The Bulls a) never should have drafted him when they had Elton Brand, b) tried to make him into a small forward, c) let him rot on the bench. He had some bad luck as well because he always seemed to get injured whenever he started playing well. Hopefully he can stick with a team for a few more years somewhere. His other options might be playing Goldeneye professionally although I don't know if they look kindly on Oddjobs.