Friday, June 30, 2006

Bad Idea Jeans

It's a bad idea to drive drunk. It's a worse idea to drive drunk and watch porn at the same time. It's an even worse idea to drive drunk, watch porn, and jerk off at the same time. I wouldn't know from experience but NBA player Eddie Griffin would.

Apprently while cruising the parking lot of a Minneapolis grocery store on University Ave he rammed his Escalade into a parked car. I guess he was, umm, distracted, by the other activities going on in his car. After getting out of the car he tells the guy to hang up his 911 call and tries to bribe him. But, this was caught on the 911 transcript and the surveillance video.

The video can be seen in this report that features the grocery store ownwer saying, "he told me he was maturbating himself going down the street." Despite Griffin admitting on tape he was drunk and several callers telling 911 that he was drunk the police declined to test him and drove him home to St. Paul. That's convenient. I'm sure they do that for everyone and not just NBA players.

Another classic line in the video is Griffin offering to buy the guy "any kind of car" he wants.
"You want a Hummer? You want a...not a Bentley."
Heh, yeah, don't forget, you're Eddie Griffin, not Kevin Garnett. A Bentley might be a little out of your price range.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Don't you hate pants?

From Every Day Should be Saturday.
The caption from Yahoo News:
South Korean soccer fan protests against what he considers to be the referee's unfair judgment after South Korea's national soccer team lost to Switzerland in their World Cup Group G match as they watched the match on a screen in Seoul, Saturday, June 24, 2006. Switzerland defeated South Korea 2-0. (AP Photo/Ahn Young-joon)

It reminds me of the quote from another great protester, Gandhi, "First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win."
Unfortunately, I think this guy's protest ended at the laughing stage.

9.8 9.8 9.9 9.7 9.9

Not only are the Italians diving in the box but they're diving out two story windows.

The Italian league is in the midst of a major match-fixing, referee buying scandal that goes from league officials all the way down to players. The new Juventus manager apparently tried to kill himself today. The mighty mjd sports blog says:
Soccer experts are calling it the third or fouth most dramatic dive taken by an Italian soccer personality over the course of the past week. Wait… was that uncool? Yeah, it’s probably not okay to joke about this. The guy did try to kill himself. Sorry.



"Oh no, there's a man laying on the pitch in front of me! What can I do? Can't....stop! Momentum...carrying....me....forward. Mustn't....fall... AGHHHHH my hamstring is torn!!!!!"
And the penalty kick. I hate the Italians.

Oh, one more thing about this. According to the BBC this was the Chinese announcer's take on the final plays.
Penalty! Penalty! Penalty! Grosso's done it,
Grosso's done it! The great Italian left back! He succeeded in the glorious traditions of Italy! Facchetti, Cabrini and Maldini, their souls are infused in him at this moment! Grosso represents the long history and traditions of Italian soccer, he's not fighting alone at this moment! He's not alone!

When I read this I honestly thought he was being sarcastic because who could get that excited about an Italian diving to get a PK other than an Italian? I mean, the line about succeeding "in the glorious traditions of Italy" is just too, too perfect.

Apparently he's not a big fan of the Aussies or their coach, Hiddink.
Goooooal! Game over! Italy win! Beat the Australians! They do not fall in front of Hiddink again! Italy the great! Left back the great! Happy birthday to Maldini! Forza Italia! The victory belongs to Italy, to Grosso, to Cannavaro, to Zambrotta, to Buffon, to Maldini, to everyone who loves Italian soccer! Hiddink ... lost all his courage faced with Italian history and traditions ... He finally reaped fruits which he had sown! They should go home. They don't need to go as far away as Australia as most of them are living in Europe. Farewell!


When asked about it later the announcer admitted he called games in the Italian league for many years and said, "I'm more familiar with Italian players ... and I don't like Australians indeed. I was hoping they'd do badly."
Yeah, we kind of figured that out.

Monday, June 26, 2006

Anybody else catch Italy winning on a questionable (at best) penalty kick with literally less than a minute to go before overtime?

I hate, hate, hate the Italians. They haven't done shit in this tournament except be handed gifts from the referees. And speaking of the referees I'm tempted to paraphrase a classic English chant, "You're Big 12 refs in disguise!" I mean, this is the World Freaking Cup! Copa Mundial! Die Weltmeisterschaft! No one wants to see you tie a record for yellow cards and set your own record by sending off four players! People want to see the best players playing for the best teams not some scrub that starts for his team in the Cameroon Second League.

Granted, the players need to play with their head a little bit but in that Portugal-Netherlands game yesterday that stupid Russian did nothing for the first 30 minutes until the game was already out of control when he decided he'd better do something before somebody's leg got ripped off by a tackle. It reminds me of Iowa State Intramural Director (and college basketball ref) Randy Heimerman told us in training, "fuck 'em." Well, he said that a lot too but I was thinking more along the lines of "you can't let the game get out of control because then you're going to have to foul everybody out." Which I had to do once. For some reason I had to ref the second half of an A league game between two teams that already had some bad blood. It was my first year and I was in over my head but Randy told me I had to get the game back under control so we started calling everything. One team figured it out and finished with the win and the other team finished the game with the only "T" I ever called and four players with less than five fouls.

Not really relevant other than the fact that if they teach intramurual basketball refs that a ref at a World Cup match should know enough not to let the game get out of hand. The officiating in this tournament has been absolutley brutal. From the card fest to teams like Australia and the US never getting the benefit of the doubt against teams like Italy. David Stern may as well be head of FIFA if they're going to keep letting this crap fly.

I'm not gonna do what everyone thinks I'm gonna do and....FREAKOUT!

Well, actually he is. In one of the most stunning managerial meltdowns ever a minor-league manager in Asheville completely lost it after a close call at second base. I mean, we've all seen Sweet Lou toss a bag, Lee Elia dropping F-bombs on all Cubs fans, or Hal MacRae throwing his phone at a reporter but this was something truly special.

I think my favorite moment is either his "slide" into second or when he stands behind the ump kicking dirt on him. Sports needs more moments like this. Frankly, I'm kind of surprised the crowd was as calm as they were. As he's leaving most of the crowd is just sitting there not saying anything. There are plenty of boos and some white trash woman screaming "throw him out" but really everyone's pretty calm. I know that any of my friends would be with me in heckling or cheering this guy all the way out.

So, do you think this guy feels like an ass today? I mean, seriously, you're an adult coaching in the minor leagues. Get a grip.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Weekend update

Futurama is coming back. At least 13 new episodes on Comedy Central. In the words of Zoidberg, "whoopwhoopwhoopwhoopwhoop!"

Harriet, the 176-year-old tortoise believed to have been studied by Charles Darwin himself died. They thought she was a male for over a century until someone finally lifted up her skirt and checked.

Stupid Americans
. A fan went to a match in Hanover and then forgot where his hotel was. He spent 6 hours walking around the city before finally asking police for help. He remembered seeing a Mercedes dealership and a park so police finally narrowed it down and drove him around for an hour and a half before he finally recognized it.

A British army goat was demoted for not marching properly in a parade in front of the queen. First, why the hell did a goat have a rank anyway? Second, why the hell would they think a goat would march? Third, I hope they don't have to go to war anytime soon because goats are notorious for holding grudges.

Hunger strikes aren't what they used to be.
Saddam Hussein ended a brief hunger strike after missing just one meal in his U.S.-run prison, a U.S. military spokesman said Friday.

The former Iraqi leader had refused lunch Thursday in protest at the killing of one of his lawyers by gunmen, but the spokesman said he ate his evening meal.


Good thing this guy with 1,000 rats in his home and the woman with hundreds of cats never fell in love cause, you know, it might have been a problem when the cats started murdering all the rats. Might put some strain on the relationship. That, and living in unfathomable filth. I don't think they probably got out much anyway.

I think this one pretty much speaks for itself.
PROVIDENCE, R.I. - A former handyman has won more than $400,000 in a lawsuit over a penile implant that gave him a 10-year erection.

Charles "Chick" Lennon, 68, received the steel and plastic implant in 1996, about two years before Viagra went on the market. The Dura-II is designed to allow impotent men to position the penis upward for sex, then lower it.

But Lennon could not position his penis downward. He said he could no longer hug people, ride a bike, swim or wear bathing trunks because of the pain and embarrassment. He has become a recluse and is uncomfortable being around his grandchildren, his lawyer said.
Hmm, if he couldn't do any of those things I wonder what he did all day...

I love this picture.
BEIJING (AFP) - Xiku the chain-smoking chimpanzee has almost kicked his deadly habit thanks to the efforts of zoo keepers in China, but it has taken a beer or two to help get him through detox.

Xiku became addicted to smoking while mimicking the habits of humans during a career as a circus performer, the state-run Xinhua news agency said Friday.

"At the beginning, he became irascible when he wanted to smoke, jolting windows and doors," Xinhua quoted one of the keepers as saying.

"We sometimes gave him some sunflower seeds or a bottle of beer to help him shake off the addiction and visitors are no longer allowed to throw him cigarettes."

So, in an effort to help him quit smoking they're giving him beer? Umm, I'm pretty sure that's not going to work.

Wow. Yahoo news makes it really easy to blog. Create a link, write a few lines of obvious jokes and you're done. Everyone wins!
Tsunami relief workers shocked by 9th Ward tour, say they expected more signs of recovery
Two leaders of the Asian Coalition for Housing Rights who have spent the last 18-months helping victims of last year’s Tsunami took a walk through the Lower Ninth Ward Friday.

Their reaction was one of shock, because they said they expected to see more signs of recovery from Hurricane Katrina.

“We think of America as being this fabulous, powerful superpower, and it’s exactly like Third World situations,” said Tom Kerr.

“In my personal opinion, I think you should have done much, much faster. It should be much better than what I have seen today,” said Samsook Boonyabancha.

Wow, there's a resounding endorsement of this country under Republican leadership.
"We think of America as being this fabulous, powerful superpower, and it’s exactly like Third World situations."
Does it strike anyone else as hilarious that the Knicks fired Larry Brown to hire Isiah Thomas as head coach? I mean, they have a guy that it considered to be one of the best coaches to ever coach the game and they fire him for a guy that has a reputation as turning everything he touches into shit? Granted, this season was absolutely brutal for the Knicks and Brown was a horrible fit for the team but did it cross anyone's mind the problem was with the team and not the coach?

Thomas is a train wreck. Pure and simple. Larry Brown has turned teams around and coached champions on every level. It's pure insanity. I would probably be a terrible NBA executive but even I know that Larry Brown is about a 100 times better coach than Isiah Thomas. It's just unfathomable that they somehow think they are making an upgrade with this fire/hire. It's a good thing I hate the Knicks.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

For the Cubs fans

Top Ten Ways Glendon Rusch is like Uncle Rico. It sounds funnier than it actually is but this one made me laugh.

1. Uncle Rico: "If coach would have put me in, in the 4th quarter, we'd have been state champs. No doubt, no doubt in my mind" If Dusty would have taken Rusch out before the 4th inning we'd have won the last game, no doubt, no doubt in my mind.

US Soccer



Today ended a pretty disappointing World Cup for the US. The conventional wisdom was that the US would have a hard time making it out of a tough group but I think everyone expected they would perform better than this. It started off about as bad as it possibly could with the Czechs scoring a couple of early goals and going on to win 3-0 against an American team that looked uninspired and slow.

Against Italy they played their best match in a long time and went on to tie after outplaying Italy for most of the game despite being down a man the entire second half. The reffing was certainly questionable and it's pretty clear that the US will never get the benefit of the doubt on any call, ever. I think a lot of factors go into play there. Most of the soccer establishment don't want the US to suceed because of the global view of our country or because it's another team to compete with them or whatever. But, there's clearly a sentiment against them.

So, that sets up today's game against Ghana. I wake up early to catch some of the pregame show and Arena comes on to say the US will go out in the 4-5-1. Now, I don't know much about soccer but I do know that they have to have a win and they haven't scored a real goal yet in the 4-5-1. Eric Wynalda is pissed, Balboa is pissed, Foudy is pissed. I'm pissed. Everyone wants Eddie Johnson in there because he's apparently the only guy that can score goals.

The US goes down a goal early. Captain Claudio Reyna looked like he caught his cleats trying to clear a ball and the Ghana player took it and stuck it in the far post. Beasley gets a turnover later and puts a nice ball through to Dempsey for the equalizer. But, then the US gets screwed over again on a horrible call for a penalty kick. Just a horrible, horrible call. Of course he makes it and the US spends the rest of the match missing chances. The perfect moment to sum up the entire tournament is when our supposed "star", Landon Donovan, gets some space not too far out but instead of unleashing a blast to the goal he tries to pass through two defenders who easily clear it out.

He just seems like the poster child of this team. He's got a ton of talent but seems to be afraid to use it or try to improve at all. He's flamed out in Europe twice before he ever even got going and is more than happy to be a star in MLS and suck in international game. It's been over a year and 17 games since he scored an international goal.

Afterward, Claudio Reyna said something to the effect of "Well, it's a tough loss but we're still a small footballing nation." See, but that's bullshit. There were expectations for this team and it's supposed to be one of the favorites. As long as there's an attitude of "well, it's ok if we fail because we don't have the support others do" they're never going to succeed. The US finished with 1 point and a -4 goal differential. That ties them with Iran, Trinidad and Tobago, and Saudi Arabia (still has another game). Pathetic. It's not good enough anymore. The media and other people were actually paying attention this time and you pissed down your leg in spectacular fashion.

All the while Bruce Arena sits there on the sideline looking like he just shit himself a little. After the game he said we just didn't get enough people in the box. Yeah, no shit. Maybe try playing more than one forward in a must-win game.

Anyway, I guess that's how the World Cup is. I spent four years looking forward to another one after the young US team shocked the world with their run to the quarters only to look at nearly the same team get embarrassed again.

If I were going to suggest some things to fix the team they need to find a new coach for the next run. Overall Arena did a good job with this team but after 8 years they need to make a change. Maybe hire Jurgen Klinsmann away from Germany for some of that "Malibu Optimismus". Get the better players over to the better European leagues. MLS is great for developing talent early but when the guys get good enough to be one of the better national players they need to move to the next level. Play more games against the better teams. When the only other good team you ever play is Mexico (who are having a lot of their own problems) you don't get enough experience in important games. They should try to get into the Copa America or do whatever it takes to play on the road against the best Europe and South American can offer.

Anyway, that was a really long post and keep in mind I really don't know much about soccer but I do know bad soccer when I see it and I saw plenty of it from this team. But, now I can enjoy the rest of the Cup without worrying about the US. Go Germany, Netherlands, and Argentina (until they play Germany)!

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Hilton and Jack Trice getting major improvements?

This is a really, really long post so if you don't care about legendary drinking and ISU athletic venues, James H. Hilton Coliseum and Jack Trice Stadium feel free to skip below to the posts I made last night.

I was at the ISU athletic site and saw they just announced they received approval for some major improvements at Hilton and Jack Trice.
The Iowa State University Department of Athletics received approval from the Board of Regents to move forward with its comprehensive facility master plan.

Director of Athletics Jamie Pollard shared a four-phased vision, which included extensive renovations for James H. Hilton Coliseum and Jack Trice Stadium, along with proposals for a new Student Recreation Center and the concept of a Gateway Athletics Complex.

The multi-faceted master plan includes a major remodeling of Hilton Coliseum (basketball and volleyball practice facility, office complex and a Hall of Fame / gathering venue for fans on game day), significant upgrades at Jack Trice Stadium (bowled in south end zone, additional suites, club seats, restrooms, concessions and classic perimeter fencing), Student Recreation Center (aquatics center and gymnastics practice facility) and the concept of a Gateway Athletics Complex (located east of Jack Trice, which would house tennis, outdoor track, softball and baseball).

It's all supposed to happen over the next several years. Suites in Jack Trice by '08, a basketball and volleyball practice facilty by '09, and Hilton rennovations and bowling the south endzone in '10. From what I've read about the rennovations in Hilton it's going to have a new videoboard, a ring of video around the arena, and new speakers coming soon and then all new seats and suites in the next few years. I always thought the sound system sucked in there so it's good they're replacing that and a scoreboard that actually has a spot for the score will be nice as well. The video ring is supposed to have stats and graphics and all that shit.

The practice facility.


View from the parking lot.


With new office space, Hall of Fame, fanshop, etc. I don't think they set a date on this yet.


Inside atrium.


Inside Hilton. I guess those things in the balcony are the luxury suites?


Newly enclosed Jack Trice Stadium.


The view as you stumble over from the tailgating lots.


The view from inside the luxury box. I'm sure they'll sell alcohol in here and I'm also sure I'll never have a chance to sit in one.



There are some more cool pictures in the "Master Plan" PDF.

All in all, I think it's a pretty badass plan. Jack Trice improved a lot from my freshman year but it still has a long way to go. What would help is if they would stop pissing away trips to the Big 12 championship game in overtime. But, baby steps, I guess.

I'm a little leery about adding luxury boxes to Hilton. I mean, why mess with one of the toughest arenas in the country (last year excepted)? The buildings on the outside kind of take away from the originial architecture a little but it looked better than I thought. There's an awesome picture in the Master Plan looking at it from, I believe, the north (either the north with added entrances or the south without the practice facility on the side). Anyway, it's got a big glass wall and a bunch of banners and lights and crap.

But, yeah, it all looks pretty cool. I'm sure they'll be calling a begging for money soon. If I were only actually using my Iowa State degree I might have something to give them. If I ever win the lottery and give them a few mill they're going to ask me what they should name after me. And I'm going to tell them to build a massive Clone Cone Complex with the best cones, tastiest ingredients, and smoothest machine money can buy. The Bone Bone Clone Cone Zone, perhaps? Pure class.

By the way, these are from the comic strip "Pearls Before Swine" if you weren't familiar. I've only been reading it for a few months but it's one of my favorites now, along with Get Fuzzy, Doonesbury, Boondocks, Foxtrot, and Zippy (just kidding, that one sucks. Although I will admit that it has made me laugh twice in the last few months which is probably more than it ever did when it was in Toons). Pearls Before Swine has all of these animals that are usually trying to kill each other or giving each other really bad advice. My favorite character was the (recently deceased) Killer Whale that stands at the Seals' window and tries to get him to go outside. The fraternity crocs with the accents are pretty good too.

ESPN again

It's not exactly unusual for ESPN to sell their soul since they did that long, long ago, but there are still moments that really make me scratch my head. Like during today's very entertaining England-Sweden game. It's right before halftime and they cut to the Virgin Megastore in LA which featured some band warming up and a crowd that looked like it was mostly high school-aged girls. The announcers said that the store had invited all England fans in the area to watch the game a special performance from Keane at halftime. He also said how great their new cd was doing in the UK.

Halftime comes and we get a special feature of Keane playing with another mention of how popular they are in the UK. The crowd looks kind of bored and the song really blows (at least I thought so but I'm not a fan of them at all although some people I know are).

Second half: England scores a go-ahead goal that all but assures them the top spot in their group. The producers cut to the crowd in the stadium and they are jumping and celebrating in that hardcore soccer fan way. Then they choose to cut to the Virgin Megastore in LA where the crowd is, well, somewhat more subdued. In fact, there are a few people clapping, a Swedish guy looking sad, and everyone else just standing there. Yeah, it looks like all of these soccer fans showed up to watch the game there and were treated to a Keane concert at halftime. They're such huge England fans they don't even give a shit they just scored. What a joke. The announcer mentions they're currently the UK's most popular band.

So, I forget about this until tonight when I'm watching the World Cup recap show on ESPN and they show TWO clips of freaking Keane playing at this store as if it was really a big deal that warranted mention on this highlight show. And the announcer mentioned how great their new cd is selling in the UK.

What's the deal with this? Did they pay ESPN to hype this event or does Disney own some record label that puts these clowns out there? Very, very lame.

Speaking of the World Cup, later this morning is the match that will once and for all determine the greatest nation on Earth. Mexico or Portugal! Ohhh, I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win!

Possibly the most awkward moment ever broadcast on TV

Apparently Connine Chung had a show with her husband, Maury "You are NOT the father" Povich, on MSNBC. Well, the show was cancelled (which might explain why I had never even heard of it) last week so Connie decided to go out in style with, well, whatever this was.

Now, I'm really not sure how to react to this. First, I wondered, seriously, what is she on? There's no way any human would or could do that except under the influence of some sort of pills or something. Second, why would anyone allow her to do this? Couldn't somebody whisper the little secret that she can't sing at all? Or that she's going to look like a fool? Once again, I think this is probably why this ill-fated show is being cancelled. I mean, who would want to pair them up to talk about politics anyway? Unless Maury is running paternity tests on all of our congressmen he can stay the F out of Washington.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Crazy right-wing radio

I was in my car today and came across some Fox News radio show. It was the typical tough-guy republican hosts and the typical moronic callers. The topic was the upcoming North Korean missile test.

The first hilarious thing was the host kept pronouncing it "North Korear". Yeah, a lot of problems have been going on between Warshington, DC and North Korear. He sounded like the biggest hick in the world.

Then, basically, every caller said some different version of this, "Yeah, I think the US should just shoot down the missile to let 'em know we're not playing around anymore."

Great, let's just start launching missiles back at North Korea because that won't end badly for a few million people when they start nuking Japan or South Korea.

"Hey, love your show but why can't we just blow up the silo before they even test the missle?"

Yeah, once again, is it really a good idea to bomb another nation with a crazy crackpot leader that thinks God is talking to him? And I don't think the US should bomb them either.

"I'm tired of the US pussyfooting around. It's time to say "forget you" to the rest of the world. We know who our ememies are and we need to take them out. Iran, North Korea, China, Russia."

Holy jeez. Have you not noticed that the army is pretty much bogged down in Iraq? Probably not the best idea to start four more wars against countries with some of the largest armies in the world. These idiots just love to start rattling their sabre with fantasies of nuking everyone that doesn't worship at the American altar to prove that the US has the biggest dick in the world or something. I mean, get a grip. And not surprisingly the hosts were totally convinced that Rumsfeld was trying to get the president to let him take the gloves off as they spoke. Whereas, I think they might be right, that thought makes me crap my pants while they were apparently getting a woody over it.

I'd be shocked if any of those people ever actually fought in a war or did anything but call or host their crappy radio shows and play five-star general on a Crusade in their basements.

Friday, June 16, 2006


Most of you probably know that much despised former Duke player picked up a DUI this week.


The Cultural Oddsmaker put up some odds on Deadspin.

And the best comment ever on Deadspin:
I am a leader who happens to coach douchebags. When my players get out onto the road, they’re armed not with just Mickey’s Malt Liquor or a 40 of Bull Ice. I want you drunk for life. I want you to develop as a drunkard. I want you to develop as a recklessly driving shitbox, and I want you to develop as a whiny little pussy who hangs a yooey to avoid the fuzz. My life isn’t about playing games. It’s about being a complete tool. That’s why my card is American Express.


This whole thing is just too perfect. Sweet, perfect JJ. The guy the media just can't figure out why everyone hates get busted for driving drunk. I guess two wine coolers really can impair your driving.

Anyway, I'm out for the weekend. Watch the Americans against the greaseballs tomorrow and hope for a miracle. (Hey, Luigi a-make-a-you free pizza! Why you gotta make fun?)

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Too late, Carl Monday. This cat is out of the bag

Now that Carl Monday has ruined Michael Cooper's life by exposing him as a chronic library whacker he's accusing all of us as being internet voyeurs.

Iraq's al-Qaida Terrorist mastermind gets rubbed out. A youngster's life is lost in the waters of a state park. And two lives are saved when two people donate their kidneys to total strangers. And the "Most Popular Video" on WKYC.COM...for three consecutive weeks is..........."Sexual Activity at Library Caught on tape."

It tells me one of two things. Either we correctly guaged the importance of our recent stories on Library Crime....or....that cyberspace is in fact a virtual wonderland for the voyeristic individuals among us.


Wait, a second, Carl Monday makes a living creating sensationalist reports playing that very same voyeuristic nature he's criticizing there. Sure, he claims he's trying to serve the public good but while he may take up important issues he does it in a way that embarrasses these people publicly. Now, clearly, I enjoy watching them, but that doesn't make it right. Anyway, I think it's pretty amusing that Carl Monday is more than willing to put this kind of stuff out there but not as much when a guy and his family are humiliated and he's left to rot in jail with a $500,000 bond. Maybe that's not quite the attention he's looking for.

(But on a positive note this page is in the top ten when you Google for "Carl Monday" and "Michael Cooper". In fact, an IP address from the New York Times visited after doing just that search. Perhaps they're a little jealous that I'm helping to lead the way on this important story. Or perhaps not.)

Where to now, my sweet fascist?


Henry Rollins writes a letter to Ann Coulter.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

FEMA Fraud

It's not exactly shocking that incompetance and fraud would rule a Bush administration department but it came out that FEMA claims it lost $1 billion in fraud and mistakes. Among some of the more egregious expenses used on the debit cards they handed out where a $200 bottle of champagne and $300 worth of Girls Gone Wild videos.

First, how can you even spend $300 on GGW? If you want porn go buy something real not drunk college girls lifting up their tops and yelling "whoooooooo!"

Second, why hate? I mean, if drinking some champagne and watching some GGW is what it takes to get you through, then, well, that's just the way it goes. However, the agency describes these as, "not necessary to satisfy legitimate disaster needs." Well, that depends of what your definition of "legitimate" is.

Monday, June 12, 2006

BONES!

I just watched the end of the Italy-Ghana game on ESPN2 and I thought that whatever came on next was some poker show. They were showing these dudes getting out of the limo in Vegas saying they came from all over the world for this, blah, blah, blah. Then, I see, no, this is actually much better. It's Dominoes! That's right, Bones has gone mainstream. At first I thought it was kind of funny that ESPN is apparently trying to find the "next poker" as they're now showing Bones and Blackjack championships. Then, my next thought, was, "whoa, like 80% of the people playing are black!" I mean, I guess I always thought it was just a stereotype that black people love playing dominoes but they are apparently dominating the sport in numbers comparable to the NBA. Plus, I love that even the announcer are calling it "bones" in their pieces highlighting various teams or players.

Right now, we're looking at "Sniper AKA Sharpshooter", a Jamaican-born New Yorker with possible the longest nickname in the tournament. He's famous for slapping the table multiple times after he wins. He and his partner are apparently legends in the sport but it looks like everyone wants to beat their asses when they start slapping the table.

This is my new favorite non-sport sport on ESPN. The announcers are hilarious. They're two Latino guys that spend most of their commentary saying things like, "ohhh, nooo, he doesn't know his partner doesn't have any sixes, man!" It's like if The Dude was announcing.

Friday, June 09, 2006

I've still got it

I'm sitting at work today bored off my ass when this 60+ year old woman comes over to our table to work on the same thing we were. She started trying to talk to me which is something I generally try to avoid at all costs. I couldn't really hear what she was saying and I just wanted to conversation to end and she finds out I'm only working three nights a week. She asked me something about if I was "on call" so I say I am even though I have no idea what she's talking about but she stops talking to me. Mission accomplished.

Then she starts talking to some other people at the table and mentions for some unknown reason that I'm "on call." One of the guys made a joke about me being a doctor or something.

She says, "What are those doctors called that are only for women?"
Everyone ignores her.
"What are those doctors called that are only for women?"
Guy: "Umm, gynecologists?"
Senile woman (SW): "Yeah, he's one of those."
Nervous laughter.
SW to me: "Do you like older women?"
Me: "Hehehe"
SW: "I need about four or five of them. Old men just can't keep up with me anymore."
More nervous laughter and I say something about her making me blush. She kind of keeps talking about it for a second and then changes the subject.

So, I think I'm in the clear when she was about to leave for her smoke break.
"You come see me sometime."
"Umm, ok."
"You are cute."
I try to ignore her.
She says it again, only louder.
"Thanks," I mumbled and she's off for her smoke.

So, yeah, 60 year old women with dentures and jowls dig me.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Three Quick Sports Hits

Jason Grimsley is in the news. Why would a mediocre former Royal pitcher be in the news? Well, apparently, he's been the subject of a federal investigation for HGH and various other performance-enhancing drugs. He accepted a package at his door and moments later 13 federal agents came to his door to see what was inside. Human Growth Hormone. First, why do 13 federal agents need to be in on this bust? It's not like he was whacking it at a library. Second, during his questioning he named names. Lots of them. Which means we're probably going to hear about all those current and former Royals that were using these drugs. Which leads to the question, are they REALLY performance enhancing?

But, seriously, how can people hold Bonds' alleged steroid use against him when it appears that just about everybody (including pitchers) were and are on something. Grimsley told stories about the teams have amphetimine laced pots of coffee in the clubhouse for anyone to use. But, clearly, baseball had no knowledge of these abuses...

It came out in the Register today that the Cyclones are playing basketball against the Gophers in the Twin Cities on the 21st of November. If it wasn't a Tuesday I'd be all for a roadtrip. ...and I might be anyway. It's going to be a pretty interesting schedule next year with road games against three Big 10 teams (Ohio State, Minnesota, and Iowa in addition to UNI). It's good to see an improved schedule and to get a local rival like Minnesota in Hilton. It always seemed like they or Wisconsin were natural games that could be played every year.

And, finally, a new study claims that the reason men drink beer while they watch sports is because they are frustrated with their own abilities. Perhaps that explains why ISU football has some of the best tailgating in the country. Or why I'm somewhat of a legendary figure in that regard.

EDIT: Maybe saying I'm a legend is a little presumptuous but I have had strangers come up to me to say they enjoyed my antics during Saturday's game. Clearly, I have a lot to make up for.

The continuing Carl Monday/Library Whacker saga

Michael Cooper (the aforementioned whacker) is still sitting in jail on $500,000 bond! Are you kidding me? The guy jerks off in a library and he's such a threat that he has to pay half a million bucks to get out on bail? That's insane. What intrepid Cleveland reporter will investigate Carl Monday and his ruining of lives? This man must be stopped. Get away from them, Carl Monday!

Someone, perhaps a combat vet, should take care of this guy before he chases around more people that made a relatively minor (if disgusting) mistake, humiliates them and their families, and forces the authorities to let them rot in jail for a crime. Or perhaps Carl Monday should do an investigative report on outlandish bail for those unlucky enough to be caught committing a minor crime on his stupid television reports. He can stand outside the judge's office and ask, "Jeez, how many times are you gonna believe Carl Monday's hyperbole about the seriousness of library masturbation?"

$500,000?

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

St. Louis Cardinal Hoosier fan of the week. The links to the others are at the bottom of the page. I don't know why they call them "hoosiers" because they look just your average Missourians to me.

Boogedy!

With all of the issues facing the country and Bush's approval still hovering just over 30% it's nice to see him focusing on the important issues. Like the gay marriage amendment.

"Boogedy boogedy! The queers is gonna git married and that's gonna send us all to hell! Booggedy! Activist judges tryin to make laws so we gotsta amend the Consteetooshun. Queers! Boogedy boogedy!"

The only positive out of this is that there's no chance in hell this will pass the Senate (and will be lucky to get even a simple majority) and it's making Bush look even worse. All the news people are talking about is that it's obvious pandering to the religious whackos which makes Bush look bad and pisses them off because it's obvious that nothing is going to come of it.

Then, they can't even do anything like this without sticking their foot in their mouth again. Here's a segment of Tony Snow's press briefing where he claims that banning gay marriage is a civil rights issue and then realizes how dumb that sounded:
MR. SNOW: Well, the response is, the President -- again, and we went through this last week, this is driven in many ways by the legislative calendar. The President is making his views known. Whether it passes or not, as you know, Terry, there have been a number of cases where civil rights matters have arisen on a number of occasions and they've been brought up for repeated consideration by the United States Senate and other legislative bodies. So as far as a SOP, I mean, I've also had people say, well, wait a minute, you take a look at a constitutional amendments that's only a 45 percent to 50 percent proposition.

Q You mentioned civil rights. Are you comparing this to various civil rights measures which have come to the Congress over the years? Is this a civil right?

MR. SNOW: Marriage? It actually -- what we're really talking about here is an attempt to try to maintain the traditional meaning of an institution that has maintained one meaning for a period of centuries, and for --

Q Do you equate that with civil rights?

MR. SNOW: No, I'm just saying, I think -- well, I don't know. How do you define civil rights?

Q It's not up to me; up to you.

MR. SNOW: Well, no, it's your question. So I need to get a more precise definition.

Well, actually, I think if you're going to say it's a civil right I think you need to clarify what you meant when you said that. I read somewhere that public opposition to gay marriage has dropped from the mid-60's to just over 50% just over the last year or two. They're putting themselves on the wrong side of this and most people will soon think that gay couples should have the same rights for their unions as married couples do. Personally, I think government should stay out of the issue altogether and recognize everything as a civil union. That way if a church doesn't want to marry a gay couple they don't have to and the government won't be in the position of legislating morality. Seems simple enough to me.

Monday, June 05, 2006

At first I thought I was going to hell for laughing at this story but then I remembered it apparrently shows there is no need for me to worry.
KIEV (Reuters) - A man shouting that God would keep him safe was mauled to death by a lioness in Kiev zoo after he crept into the animal's enclosure, a zoo official said on Monday.

"The man shouted 'God will save me, if he exists', lowered himself by a rope into the enclosure, took his shoes off and went up to the lions," the official said.

"A lioness went straight for him, knocked him down and severed his carotid artery."

I'm guessing the plan sounded a lot better in his head then when the lion walked right over and bit off his artery. Of course it made it all worthwhile when the angelic version of Ashton Kucher was there to meet him at the pearly gates. "You got punked!"

Err, I guess that would probably be hell.

Speaking of hell:
Sick and tired of souped-up cars with loud engines and pulsing music? Barry Manilow may be the answer.
Officials in one Sydney district have decided to pipe the American crooner's music over loudspeakers in an attempt to rid streets and car parks of hooligans whose anti-social cars and loud music annoy residents and drive customers from businesses.

Wait, my choices are hooligans with "anti-social cars" (wtf is that?) or loudspeakers blasting Barry Manilow all evening? I'll take my chances with the hooligans. Or I'd call Steve Irwin.

But....why?

I'm going to have to be honest here, I'm a little flustered by what I just saw. I used to think New Order were among the coolest bands of all time. I mean, they formed from Joy Division, created one of my the best 7 minute songs of all time (Temptation), and were just one of those 80's New Wave bands I like so much. Then, I see this video.

It's the official England World Cup song from 1990 and basically the bands comes off looking like huge dorks singing some really cheesy soccer lyrics over mulleted English players running around the pitch. Maybe I can blame it on the awkward transition from the 80's to the 90's. Some of the worst aspects from the 80's were still hanging around and the 90's had yet to create much of their own. Upon reflection, it's a time that most people would rather forget. Although I did have a pretty fetching mullet if I do say so myself.

Apparently this was New Order's only number one hit and was originally titled "E for England" but was changed to "World in Motion" because they felt it would be taken as a reference to the drug ecstasy. Personally, I think that title is infinitely cooler. Unfortunately the band tried to release the remixed song for the 2002 Cup but it didn't chart. Probably because they didn't have DJ Clue do it. (DJ Clue! This is the remix....2002) And they're trying it again for this year.

I mean, maybe I'm being too hard on them because it's not a horrible song. Well, ok, yeah, it kind of is. Dammit.

Anyway, here's a recent video of them performing "Temptation."

Oh, and one more thing. All of you should watch the movie "24 Hour Party People" about New Order's label, Factory Records, and the "Madchester" scene. It's a pretty cool story and a good movie.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Stephen Colbert's advice to graduates? "Get your own TV show. It pays well, the hours are great and you have fans. Eventually, some nice people will give you an honorary degree for doing jack squat."

He also wants to secure the Canadian border to keep their skunky beer out and says "God wrote (the Bible) in English for a reason: So it could be taught in our public schools."

I'm not sure I can get behind his second idea (I think everyone should be homeschooled) but Canadian beer is way overrated.

Speaking of Stephen Colbert I think poison ivy needs to added to the threatdown. Apparently increased carbon dioxide is causing a more poisonous poison ivy. Of course that's pretty much somewhere in the hundreds as far as threats from global warming when you consider the super hurricanes and inability to grow crops in a desert wasteland. But, you know, I guess it could matter to someone.

Geno's Steaks, home of Geno's famous cheesesteaks in Philly, has a sign up requiring everyone to order in English. So, no kasesteak for you Germans. "Speak English" as the sign says. Of course it's worth pointing out that Geno's grandparents arrived from Italy speaking little English. It's also worth noting that Tony Danza eats there.

And finally, I can't remember if I linked to this or not but the BBC ended up interviewing the wrong guy on TV. He was there for a job interview but a staffer accidently ushered him onstage for a television interview. His facial expression is awesome. Anyway, he's now getting offers for a book deal and maybe a movie out of the deal. Pretty sweet gig.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

This digusts me

EDIT: A commenter pointed out that the Talk2Action report may not be entirely accurate. Basically, your soldiers lose spirituality points for killing but they can get them back by praying. So, basically, you can kill all you want as long as you pray while you're doing it. But, the main goal is to convert everyone else that's been "left behind."

To make a long story short the writers of the Left Behind book series have licensed a video game (there are a lot of links here to explore screenshots and stories in some major newspapers). You are the Christian left behind and your job is to kill or convert the heathen masses of New York City. While it may sound a lot like Billy Graham's Bible Blaster (which you can play by clicking on the F-H file drawer and then Rod Flanders) it is actually a real game.

What kind of a message is Christianity trying to send with games where the players in the game shout "Praise the Lord" as they kill hundreds of fellow humans? Why is there a constant attempt to militarize Christianity and indocrinate children with ideas that the unconverted should be destroyed? Isn't this suspiciously like the message of Islamic extremists?

One million samples of this game will be distributed to churches and a massive effort will be made to (subconsciously at least) teach children that the Christian way is to kill those who don't agree with your religious views. What happened to the Jesus that preached love for your enemies and a worldview without violence? I hate that they are bastardizing the message to form their own exclusive club where they can exclude and dehumanize anyone they choose, usually based on their own prejudices. Muslims, gays, Jews, atheists. I'm sorry but killing like you describe is not part of Jesus' message even if you try to express it within your apocalyptic fantasies where God will finally take care of, once and for all, all of those people that you don't want to deal with.

And, hey, if doing the Lord's work in the game isn't to your liking you can play as the antichrist as well. Unbelievable what these people will do to spread their hatred-based Christianity and make a pretty buck at the same time, isn't it?

Thursday, June 01, 2006


Oh, and they arrested the guy in the video. And, yes, I do have an unhealthy fascination with Carl Monday.