Thursday, July 27, 2006

Darkness

Hey, I'll be leaving you all for a while. I'm in the midst of trying to move all of my shit into storage so I can move it into my new apartment on the 4th. I'll be leaving for the land of beautiful mountains and white power advocates otherwise known as Idaho on Friday and coming back next week. The big event is a major family reunion with people coming from all over the country for this. I'm going to spend most of it avoiding discussing my life with my sister and cousins.

My mom is already there and as I was heading back from my lunchbreak tonight I noticed I had three messages on my phone. The first was from my sister. The second was from my mom.

"Hi Ben, it's mom." But I could barely hear her and wondered "why is she calling from a submarine.
"I'm calling on your Grandma's OnStar."
Oh.
"You can call me back on my cellphone and we can call you back from this."
Why can't we just talk on your cell? She adds a few more things and then says goodbye but there are still a good 20 or 30 seconds of them still talking without knowing the OnStar is still on.
"OK, let's try to call Rachel now. Hmm, how do we do this? I think you press it here. Is it off? I think it's off."
Oh jeez.
The third message is from my sister again.
"Ben, mom just called me from Grandma's OnStar and then made me call them to see if it worked. I could barely hear her but she said we should bring a hat in case the glare from the water is too much for us."
Umm, if the glare is from the water I don't think a hat is going to do me much good.
"Can you believe she said that?"

So, yeah, when my mom and grandma start exploring technology great things happen. What's the point of using OnStar to call people when you have a perfectly good cellphone that other can actually hear? I don't know either.

Anyway, I'll be gone for a few days but should have more quality stories from the reunion. Good times. Also, we're coming up on the two year anniversary of the first MLitB post. Start getting excited!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Extra Extra

There were a few things in my paper today that really caught my eye so what better thing to do than blog about them?

First, the original Survivor Richard Hatch is on his way to Federal Pound Me in the Ass Prison for failing to pay taxes on his $1 million prize. I mean, how dumb could you be not to pay taxes on that? I guess filing under "Not Richard Hatch that won Survivor" didn't work for him. He was sentenced to 51 months for this because the judge said he lied repeatedly under oath. Yeah, that might work in Survivor but I think in a federal trial you might try telling the truth and not acting like the smartest, smuggest dude on the island.

I don't know much about prison but I can guess that life might not be that fun for the self-described "fat naked fag" in prison. Hopefully he doesn't run into anyone more butch than Susan. Today's reward challenge will be for a pack of smokes you might be able to trade and the immunity challenge will be to not drop the soap. Survivors, are you ready?

Let's move on to the comics section. I've started reading this incredibly lame strip about a park ranger or something and the animals sometimes talk. It's pretty messed up. But, to bring you up to speed our hero, Mark Trail (with the most appropriate name since Carl Monday), has been trying to tranquilize a bear. He and his partner managed to save a photographer who got too close to the bear. As a reward she asked the two of them out but his partner played the role of a good wingman and bowed out. Which brings us to today's date. (You'll probably have to click on the image to actually read them since I'm too lazy to go back and enlarge them here. Quit bitching or take your business somewhere else.)

So, umm, is he saying he fucks bears? He must be dating some pretty brutal women if they can be as dangerous as bears can be.

Also in the comic pages we've found our new scapegoats. Step aside, illegal immigrants, the zombies just took yer jobs!

I love the look on her face as she asks what the hell he talking about? Heehee, he's talking about zombies again.

So, possibly the weirdest thing about it all is there were TWO comics dealing with zombies and traffic jams.

What are the odds of that, seriously? I mean, they HAD to do it together didn't they? Did they just watch a show about zombies two weeks ago and decide to work them in?

And what's with him descring dead people walking around being "like mindless zombies"? Yeah, I mean, they're so much like mindless zombies you might actually call them zombies! Also, what's with the look on his face? Is it just me or is he getting a little too excited about these zombies? And why can't we see what his hands are doing down there?

I've started reading the comics more closely since I started reading the Comics Curmudgeon. As soon as I read these I knew I had to find out what he said about them and he covered the zombies but didn't get to Mark Trail today. It's a pretty awesome page.

Another great one is Joe Mathlete Describes Today's Marmaduke in 500 Words or Less. Oh, Marmaduke!

Also, I walked into a computer lab today and somebody was playing Settlers of Catan. I've played the Java version but this was pretty high quality stuff so instead of going to interrupt his game I googled for it and discovered that MSN Games has had it for about a year. Why was I not informed? The bad news is it only works with Internet Explorer. So, I guess Aaron and the 5 other people still using IE can play it.

My last item is from a few days ago when it was reported that Haley Joel Osment hit a pillar and flipped his car at 1:00 AM. The best part of the story is he was driving a '95 Saturn. Umm, is his movie career doing ok? That must suck to be a child actor and have your parents steal all of your money. I mean, he's the guy that saw dead people and my Chevy Cavalier is better than his car? If he's driving something like that he'd better have a hell of a coke habit. I haven't seen a celebrity stoop so far beneath themself since Larry Eustachy was swigging Natty Light.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Ole!


I don't do much blogging at a quarter to six in the morning unless I'm three sheets to the wind but due to moving obligations I was forced to partake in Bennett's annual Mexican Fiesta by phone and of course that includes watching the sun rise and listening to the incoherant ramblings that can only come from tequila and other boozes of varying degrees of Mexicaness (new word?!). And I promised Shawn he could drive home looking forward to a new post.

I have to finish moving at 6:00 before Pa loads up the motorcycle and heads out west again (just like the pioneers did it on the Oregon Trail! I hope he fords the river and doesn't pay the damn ferry operator five bucks.) so I effectively killed my last hour of sleep but it's worth it to hear my friends having a good time together even if it sounds like they're failing at filling up an air mattress and sleeping on a half-filled bed that masks the hardwood floors about like a placemat from Denny's would (fighting and failing with air mattresses seems to be another recurring event at Bennett's Omaha parties).

So, party on, Fiesta goers, I wish I could be there with you.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

I present to you...

...the comedy stylings of Hiawatha Rutland. Bennett send me a link to this video. For those that don't know he was a football player at ISU that lived in Larch Hall with us and spent quite a bit of time on our floor. Perhaps he is most famous for running down the street with his pants around his ankles after a Yellow House party was busted. This led to the phrase "I saw Hiawatha's junk" becoming a way to describe something particulary crazy.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Floyd Landis

Despite the fact that pretty much no one cares about the Tour de France today was an amazing, amazing day.

I'll set up the story. Floyd Landis had been wearing the leader's yellow jersey for much of the tour but his team was criticized when they chose not to defend it against a challenge in the days before the brutal stages in the Alps. The strategy was to wait until the mountains and then retake it and hold onto it until Paris. It appeared to backfire in a bad, bad way when Landis faded badly, losing 10 minutes in a single stage and falling to 8 minutes behind the leader and 11th place overall.

Everyone wrote him off coming into today and it seemed like an American wouldn't be winning the Tour for the first time since Lance Armstrong began his dominating run. The French were, of course, overjoyed by this since they viewed Landis with disdain because he wasn't an exciting racer and wasn't "winning in the right way." Usual French crap.

So, today's stage featured three big mountains and right before the first one Landis takes off which is pretty much an insane move. You get out there on your own and you're likely to be passed by everyone as you fade in the second or third climb. He catches a group of riders that took off early and zooms to the front of them. He waits around for a while to see if any of them want to team up for some of these climbs but there are no takers. Well, no problem and he leaves all but one of them behind. This guy rides on his wheel for over 70 km and never gets in front to break the wind, a move this SI writer called "one of the most egregious examples of wheel-sucking parasitism in the annals of this sport."

Down the first mountain and he's pedaling as hard as he can zooming around the curves. Up the second and he's still gaining time. Down the second and he's gaining even more time. Up the third and the rest of the group is trying to reel him in but can't make up more than a minute or two and he doesn't fade. Basically, he ended up riding balls to the wall for more than 70 miles up three of the steepest climbs in the Tour to climb within 30 seconds of the lead with his best stage still come in the final time trial. The announcers are all calling it easily one of the best and most dramatic stages ever ridden.

Oh yeah, and he's doing all of this with a hip that causes him all kinds of pain and will need surgery as soon as the Tour is over. Dude is crazy.

The best part of it all? Dude's a Mennonite from Pennsylvania. This could easily make him the most famous Mennonite athlete ever topping a couple of NHL players, I guess (although I do hear Menno Simons checked his pacifism at the door to the raquetball court). His family is old school Mennonite since his mom has to go over to the neighbor's house to watch him on tv. Good stuff and way to go Floyd! Just a ridiculous, ridiculous run just a day after everyone wrote you off for good.

Damn kids...

A KC area church was vandalized this week when somebody spray painted anti-religious messages all over the walls. This kind of thing happens from time to time but what caught my eye was this quote:
Detective Troy Pharr of the Blue Springs Police Department said the vandalism did not come from children.

"Nothing right now leads us to suspects, but this is not a normal graffiti," Pharr said. "They use terms a little bit higher than kids would use."

Some of the terms that were spray painted? "You are a cult," "God is all evil," "Go 2 ur hell" and "I hate this cross."

Wow, those are clearly the works of some sort of intellectual adult. What kind of child would know how to use "ur" in their vandalism? Perhaps when your grasp of the English language is as bad as Detective Pharr's appears to be these might seem like the words of an adult. Geez.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Ladies and Gentlemen, the distinguished senator from the great state of Kansas.


The picture from the girl at the end is priceless. What an absolutely ridiculous way to make policy. I'm hopeful that Bush vetoing a bill that 60% of the public favors will only further help the Dems take control of Congress in November. Once they do that they will be able to override his veto. Germany is following Bush's lead. Must be all those great backrubs.

Here's what I don't get. For his press conference to celebrate denying money for research they grab a bunch of people and babies born through in vitro fertilization.

So, they are saying, at least tacitly, that they support in vitro fertilization. And why wouldn't they? It's a prefectly rational way for some people to have children. However, that process destroys the rest of the embryos that aren't implanted into the woman. In fact, the stem cell research would use those exact same embryos. Why is it ok to let those embryos be destroyed for nothing or sit in a freezer somewhere until the cleaning guy throws them out 2 years from now but not ok to use them to research potentially life-saving cures for any number of diseases? It makes no sense at all. Stupid anti-science fundies...
The Cubs' third base coach got picked up for a DUI after running through consecutive stop signs after leaving the Cubs-Astros game. Now, there's two possible ways I could go with this joke. First, there's something kind of ironic about a third base coach blowing through stop signs. I guess he got thrown out at the plate. hahahahahhaah.

Second, can you really blame the guy for being hammered after leaving the game? Wouldn't you be if you were a coach for the Cubs?

After he was pulled over he told the cop that he was a coach for the Cubs and asked if he could "give him a break." Umm, I think you might want to win a few more games before you start asking for favors like that.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Like father like son, I guess

The Royals' Arizona League minor league team had two pitchers combine for a 15 strikeout no-hitter and still manage to lose 1-0. The only man on base reached on an error, stole second, stole third, and scored on a sacrifice. One error away from a perfect game and they still lose. Wow. I really would have thought the Royals were the only team that could do that. Instead they just lost their second straight 1-0 game. That awesome June and early July is looking further and further away as they're now losers of 8 of the last 9 although they were on the road in Detroit and Boston.
This sucks. It's hard to imagine a chance for peace when Israeli girls sign bombs...

...that will eventually kill Lebanese children playing in a canal.

I'm not saying Hezbollah or other terrorists are innocent but I don't buy the media that Israel is only killing terrorists or that the civilians they kill are somehow more morally justifiable than those that are killed by missiles launched from Lebanon. Why will killing more than 10 Lebanese civilians for every Israeli killed make the country any safer? Is killing innocent Lebanese to change the actions of their government, or even those outside of their goverment, anything less than the same terrorism they are claiming to fight? I have trouble seeing the difference and I think those that die or lose loved ones have the same trouble.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Daily Show has video of Bush and his damn pig obsession on YouTube.

Chicago looking at taking the nanny state to a whole new level by banning restaurants from cooking with trans fatty oils. There are clear health and economic benefits to a lot of things like helmet laws or even smoking bans but I think we can let restaurants cook what they want. If you don't want to be the fattest city in American anymore than work on some excercise programs or something.

And it wouldn't be a day if Bush didn't do something embarrassing overseas. Here he is creeping out German Chancellor Angela Merkel. You can watch the video or go through the pictures of Bush coming up behind her and giving her a massage as she realizes some asshole is touching her.


Tony Blair is mocked by the Brit press after microphones caught Bush calling him by yelling "Yo, Blair!" Bush then dropped "shit" which for some reason seems like a bigger deal for the media than the fact he's a complete fool.

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Life changing moments

There are certain moments in life where you know you are witnessing something amazing. A moment in time where you want to remember every single detail of where you were at and what was going on. I just had one of those moments.

We were trying to decide what to do tonight and finally decided on going to a party that was going feature a band that traveled the country and played concerts on their bus. Their name was "On the Bus." Clever.

So, we take some drinks and stop off at the bar on the way. When we get there we hang out on the porch for a little while before they decide it's time to play. Not counting the people with the band there were probably around 7 people there. We were four of them.

The band gets set up to play and the bus is really decked out. It's an older bus but they've painted the inside and have some couches and benches, etc. in there with a stage in the back. The band is a keyboard/glockenspiel player, two drummers, a banjoist, and somebody else that I didn't see what she was playing.

The first song is an abstract song with lots of dumming and hitting of keys with not much melody to go along. In fact there really was no melody to speak of other than the repeated singing of "3.14159 26535897" from several off-key voices. The song was apparently about having to memorize pi to get out of detention early.

The next song was another abstract ditty. In this case the repeated verse was "Narwhal narwhal what can you tell us narwhal narwhal what can you tell us." Apparently the narwhal can tell us we're spinning to the north or south pole or something. By now, we're like, "what the fuck is going on?" The banjo player hasn't done anyting but pluck a single note over and over. We decided if singing off-key and plucking one note made you a band we were in.

Just when we didn't think it could get any worse they break out "a song we wrote on the bus today about a story we wrote." Gee, what could go wrong here? The story was ridiculous and the band cracked up laughing during most of it. Yes, we love witnessing your inside jokes. It's brilliant.

The song was about a three legged girl named "No Flame" or something ridiculous like that. The song just went downhill from there. After the next song I had to get out so I went out for a bit and Erin joined me. We started cracking up about the band for a little while until we realized there was a dude that was either sleeping or acting like he was right next to us. Oops. Rachel comes out and starts laughing and we're like, "umm, let's go over here."

So when we get back the band is finishing up but there's talk about some other people playing. We decide we need to get the hell out of there before we're stuck listening to anything else. The rest of the way home we just laughed and laughed about these people. Weird and good is a great combination. Weird and absolutely horrible? Not really much I can do for that one.

So, the lesson is, if a group of 8 or so dirty, dirty people in a stinky, dirty bus pull up and ask if you want to hear a show turn it down. Unless you want an experience that will change your life.

Narwhal, narwhal, what can you tell us...

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Can Bush really be this clueless?

Yeah, I know, nothing should shock me at this point but this made my jaw drop. Bush is in Russia for the G-8 summit and one of the big topics is Russian democracy and well, the lack of it. However, Bush tries to drop some advice on Putin in the form of "be more like Iraq."
"I talked about my desire to promote institutional change in parts of the world, like Iraq where there's a free press and free religion, and I told him that a lot of people in our country would hope that Russia would do the same," Bush said.

And then, if that goes well, maybe you guys can institute the daily bombings and death squads roaming the streets. Seriously, Russia, what's your problem? I mean, if Iraq can do it...

Putin's reply? Umm, not so much.
To that, Putin replied, "We certainly would not want to have the same kind of democracy that they have in Iraq, quite honestly."


As if this wasn't humiliating enough check out this article from his pit stop in Germany prior to the G-8 conference.
They walked past a red-coated band playing a medley of songs like "Hooray for the Red, White and Blue," and Bush plucked the conductor's wand from his hand and led the band for a few notes.

Then he and Merkel posed for pictures with the band as its members played on, Bush startling a woman playing a flute by poking her on the shoulder.

First, Bush is clearly an asshole but here comes the really embarrassing part.
STRALSUND, Germany (Reuters) - President Bush had more on his mind than Iran's nuclear program, Middle East tensions and Russian press freedoms during a visit to Germany Thursday.

He kept mentioning a wild boar, slaughtered and roasted according to local tradition, that he planned to share at a dinner with German Chancellor Angela Merkel in her home constituency at a Baltic resort.

"I'm looking forward to the feast you're going to have tonight. I understand I may have the honor of slicing the pig," Bush told Merkel at the outset of their joint news conference in Stralsund, north of Berlin.

A few minutes later -- after discussing Iran, the Middle East, the merits of press freedoms in Russia and progress on the Doha round of free trade talks -- Bush returned to the boar.

"Thank you for having me," he told Merkel. "Looking forward to that pig tonight."

Bush answered a few more questions before wandering back to the boar for a third time.

"I haven't seen that pig yet," Bush said out of the blue. Merkel laughed and said she had seen television pictures of the boar and could verify it was dead, adding she hoped it was on the spit and ready in time for dinner.

Near the end of the 30-minute briefing, Bush fielded a question about the Middle East with his fourth pig rejoinder.

"I thought you were going to ask about the pig," he told a reporter, who then said he was indeed curious about that too.

"The pig?" Bush said. "I'll tell you tomorrow after I eat it."

I'm mortified that this man is out there representing our country.
"So, Bush how 'bout that situation in Iran."
"They need more pigs there, heh."
"Umm, what?"
"Let's eat that pig."

Ugh, seriously, Bush, just stop talking, stop being president, just stop. Spend the rest of your time on the ranch clearing whatever brush you haven't managed to clear on your photo ops and maybe we can still save some face. It's like he has a one track mind and anything else better not get in the way. In this case, he just wants his damn pig. Is it possible we could replace him with Will Ferrell and see if anyone notices? What a freaking moron.

My thoughts exactly

Friday, July 14, 2006

T.O. misquotes T.O.

Terrell Owens says he was misquoted in his own autobiography. Odd since he says it's all in his own words. Stupid TO always out to bring TO down.

As strange as that is buried in the article is a little nugget that says Cowboy fans waited in line at Wal-Mart for two hours to buy the book. You've got to be kidding me. This is the guy that danced on their midfield star not once but twice and now they're so gaga over him that they're swarming their Trash Marts for copies.

Then there's this kid:
First in line for Thursday's book signing was Jason Hicks, 16, a defensive tackle at Duncanville High School who recently finished a book about former Cowboys quarterback Roger Staubach.

"I'll read anything," said Hicks, holding a copy of "T.O.", "that has to do with football leadership."

Yes, what better place to go for lessons in football leadership than TO? I mean, where else can you learn valuble lessons like how to call your quarterback "gay" and question the Super Bowl effort of the best and most popular player on your team?

Now, I'm not a complete TO hater like everyone on ESPN because, although he's a total ass and has caused problems everywhere he's been, he's a great player and who honestly takes him seriously anymore? As soon as he calls out Drew Bledsoe, and it will happen, Drew should just look at the media, roll his eyes, and say, "TO says a lot of things but I don't care what he says as long as we win." And that will be the end of it. No locker room controversy, no team cancer, no anything if you just ignore him. Who cares what he says anymore? Of course he's going to bitch about other people because that's what he does. Just let him run his mouth and throw him the ball when you need to score. Pretty simple.

You know what kind of scares me?

Israel has attacked two countries in the past two weeks or so and now Syria and Iran are starting to talk shit back. Iraq is getting worse by the day. North Korea just wants someone to fucking pay attention to them. Oil is up to $78 a barrel and rising.

Given everything that's happening it really isn't that hard to imagine Russia or China (or the US, more likely) saying "fuck it" and taking some oil fields for themselves during all this confusion. All this stuff is going down and we've got Dear Leader Georgie, who thinks he's on a mission from God to free the middle east or start Armageddon trying. Anyway, not much point to this except to say things look pretty scary right now.

I'll just work in some escapism by finding something that amuses me on the internet or get drunk this weekend. Hey, here's something. In some ironic, or maybe not so ironic, news Pete Coors picked up a DUI. Whoops.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

You've got a disease

Yeah, that's right, most of you have a disease and it's worse than AIDS according to Mikhail Gorbachev.
The former general secretary of the Soviet Union Communist Party accused Americans of arrogance and trying to impose their way of life on other nations.

"Americans have a severe disease — worse than AIDS. It's called the winner's complex," he said. "You want an American style-democracy here. That will not work."

Well, as long as I don't get pnemonia and die from this "winner's complex" I think it will be ok. It really doesn't sound as bad as the Hiv or the GRIDS as the kids say.
Gorby also blasted Rummy and Cheney by saying, "They are just hawks protecting the interests of the military — shallow people." Ha! I think he's pretty close but I would replace "military" with "military contractors."

Speaking of Russians blasting Cheney check out this zinger from Vladimir Putin.
Asked about Cheney's remarks, Putin said, "I think the statements of your vice president of this sort are the same as an unsuccessful hunting shot."

Ohhhhhh, daaaamn! Somebody get this guy on "Yo Mama!" for the Moscow battle!

One more note, Hugo Chavez is telling Citgo stations to stop selling gas. I'm not sure that's really the best business model for them....but anyway, their refineries are owned by Venezuela and they claim that the stations lose money for them and are a subsidy for the US. Stations in 10 states, including Kansas and Minnesota, and cut back in four others, including Iowa and Illinois. Damn you, Hugo Chavez! We want our subsidies!

Citgo was one of the few gas stations companies that didn't give outrageously to Republicans and fuck over the environment. There really aren't many other good alternatives but BP is one of the not as sucky ones.

And for fun here are the beer ratings. Surprisingly Anheuser-Busch gives more to Republicans than Coors does. I'll have to get Kandi a note that it's ok to drink Coors again. Domino's pizza is probably still out though. Reading these things is kind of depressing since pretty much all corporations give more to Republicans so I still vote with my mouth but it's kind of interesting to read.

One hitters

Ryan sent me this article from the Register about the Iowa State Daily putting their foot in their mouth. In their special issue for the National Special Olympics they included the headline "Ames for Dummies." Whoooops...awkward. Fortunately they changed it from their orignal headline "Ames for 'Tards and 'Crips" but it's still pretty inappropriate, I think. But, seriously, I have to think it was an accident but how could you not make the connection?

The salaries of all the White House employees were released. In typical Republican fashion the top assistants, making $165,000 a year, received a $4,200 pay increase while those at the very bottom, making $30,000, got nothing. No pay raise at all.
White House salaries and job titles are largely controlled at the discretion of the president, within the confines of the overall budget approved by Congress for the Executive Office of the President.

What a douche.

The best part of it all? The four most overpaid people in America.
Deborah Nirmala Misir, Ethics Advisor $114,688
Erica M. Dornburg, Ethics Advisor $100,547
Stuart Baker, Director for Lessons Learned $106,641
Melissa M. Carson, Director of Fact Checking $46,500

Director for Lessons Learned? Seriously? I'm guessing that's a pretty sweet gig when you have a president that never learns anything. Of course he can't think of any mistakes he's made so I guess there's nothing to be learned.

There are some pretty funny job titles if you look through there. Director of Mail Analysis? Hmm, bill, bill, bill, junk mail, bill, alright! Birthday card from Bar!

Executive Assistant to the Deputy Assistant to the President for Homeland Security. And that guy gets paid over $68,000 a year.

Speaking of Homeland Security, according to their report, Indiana has twice as many terrorist targets (8,591) as California and the most in the nation. Included on the list of places they thought might be out of place? Old MacDonald's Petting Zoo, the Amish Country Popcorn Factory, and Nix's Check Cashing. Damn, I feel so much safer now. Perhaps we should raise the threat level to orange.

One business owner who learned from a reporter that a company named Amish Country Popcorn was on the list was at first puzzled. The businessman, Brian Lehman, said he owned the only operation in the country with that name.

“I am out in the middle of nowhere,” said Mr. Lehman, whose business in Berne, Ind., has five employees and grows and distributes popcorn. “We are nothing but a bunch of Amish buggies and tractors out here. No one would care.”

But on second thought, he came up with an explanation: “Maybe because popcorn explodes?”


How do the Olsen twins run their billion dollar company?
Pretty much the way most of us would like to, I guess.
TMZ has learned that the 20-year-old media titans and some-time NYU students, come into Dualstar's Culver City, Calif. offices around every 30 days.

But instead of attending executive meetings or going over financial reports, the doll-like duo prefer to hole themselves up in an office and chain smoke cigarettes for hours at a time.

Classy. What would Uncle Joey say? Well, actually probably something like, "Cut...it...out!" and then go into the Woodchuck voice.

Sunday, July 09, 2006

MORTAL KOMBAT!

Heh.

World Cup Finale!

I'm going to post a few random thoughts here when I feel like it and post it when I'm done.

First, the Italian national anthem is awesome. It's such a perfect song for them. At first it's all upbeat and Italian like and then it goes into this really confusing part that's going really fast but all the players are still trying to sing it. Then at the very end it finishes off with everyone in the crowd screaming. Great song. There's this one dude with a beard that always closes his eyes and belts it out. I guess it's possible to hate the Italians and love them at the same time.

France's isn't nearly as exciting but Zidane just stands there looking like the badass he is. I think I'm actually going to be cheering for France because of him. It's fun to watch him pull the ball around like it was on a string and from what I've read about him he's a genuinely good guy.

It's about to kick off in Olympiastadion which is one of my favorite stadiums ever. Despite all of the Nazi connections it's still a brilliant piece of architecture that has withstood the test of time. And, Brent Musberger told me it was influenced by the LA Coliseum built for the 1932 Olympics. That is officially the most useful thing I've ever heard that piece of announcing trash say.

One minute in and Henry already knocking himself out by running into an Italian dude. Stupid France, can you please not surrender already?

ABC cuts away to an Italian fan in a low cut top. Good to see they brough the NBA's "Boob Cam" to the Germany with them.

Four minutes in and Italy is already begging for a foul on a dive. Nice to see these countries living up to the stereotypes about them.

The Frenchman takes a bit of a dive but the penalty is given and Zidane drops it in off the crossbar. Kind of a cheap goal, in my opinion. Italy answers later in the half with an awesome header.

Anyway, enough of the actual game. What's up with these "Lady in the Water" ads? I mean, hasn't the little kid singing a nursery rhyme in a slightly creepy voice been done to death yet? And they really don't make much sense. I mean, they don't really show any kids in the commercial and I don't remember kids being that prevelant in the previews I've seen. And then, not only do they have the kid singing but she's always explaining the plot of the movie and how this lady has to be saved before she can save them and all that crap. It might end up being good but M. Night Shamalamadam has pretty much been going downhill since the Sixth Sense. Given the commercials for his latest I'm not holding out much hope for this one. Oh yeah, and "CLEVELAND, RUN!"

Ribery looks like a guy you'd play basketball with at the rec. Short, kind of hunched over, bad teeth, cheesy goatee, bad haircut. You just know he's going to be deceptively quick and score about five flailing layups.




And we're headed to OT. I can't wait until it goes to penalty kicks. I can only imagine game 7 of the NBA Finals. Well, that's the end of the first overtime, time for the free throw contest. Shaq, you're up first. It's exciting and intense but still a really dumb way to decide a game.











By the way, did you guys see the shot of Olympia Stadion as the sun was setting? If I was a stadium I would totally ask it to marry me.

Holy shit. Zidane just ran up and headbutted a guy right in the chest with about 10 minutes to go. Just unbelievable that he would be that stupid to do something like that at that stage of the game. On the replay it didn't even look like the guy did anything except talk some shit to him. I liked Zidane but what a total douchebag move. Well, I guess that's one way to end your career, walking off the pitch in overtime of the world cup final in total disgrace. Personally, I really think he would have gotten away with except the refs saw it on the replay screen and decided to pretend like they saw it.

Straight thuggin, Zidane!

The French coach applauds the ref sarcastically. Or it may have been Eugene Levy, it was tough to tell.



Alright, the match is over now. The Italians are tonguing the trophy like it's some skanky eurotrash girl in their Ferrari. I really don't like Italy and I was harsh on them after the US and Australian games but they earned it and played some pretty good soccer. Well done.

Adam Carolla performs excorcism on Coultergeist

Ann Coulter was supposed to call into his show to promote her dumb book but called in an hour and a half late. She tried to blame her publicist but my guess is she was coming off a coke binge or something.

The MP3 is here and here's the transcript of the call.
ADAM CAROLLA: Ann Coulter, who was suppose to be on the show about an hour and a half ago, is now on the phone, as well. Ann?

ANN COULTER: Hello.

CAROLLA: Hi Ann. You’re late, babydoll.

COULTER: Uh, somebody gave me the wrong number.

CAROLLA: Mmm… how did you get the right number? Just dialed randomly — eventually got to our show? (Laughter in background)

COULTER: Um, no. My publicist e-mailed it to me, I guess, after checking with you.

CAROLLA: Ahh, I see.

COULTER: But I am really tight on time right now because I already had a —

CAROLLA: Alright, well, get lost.


She's unbelievable. As he says later in the MP3, "Of course you're late on time, you called an hour and a half late."

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Blogging the 4th

I had quite a bit to talk about and not a lot of time to write so I broke this down into a few posts below and left some of the less important stuff out all together. Oh well. We'll start by reviewing my 4th of July week. I would call it a weekend but I pretty much treated it like it was an entire week.

Veronica came down on Friday so we could go to a wedding on Saturday. We started it off by checking out the new sports bar down the street from me and it got the thumbs up from both of us.

The wedding was like weddings usually are with the exception that they played the (slightly edited version) Ja Rule-J Lo song when they walked down the aisle. They're both rap fans so it sort of worked for them but I think it's the first time "hard lovin'" and n-bombs have been dropped in a song at a Mennonite church.

The reception is where the real action happened. First, they did a bang-up job on the booze. Multiple kegs of a few of Lawrence's own Free State Brewery's finest brews and three bottles of wine for each table. Interestingly enough my mom's table was amazed that each table got three bottles and maybe finished two of them and my table with younger people wondered if each table only got three bottles and were finished within minutes of hitting the table. However, there was plenty of booze to go around and when the kegs were finally dry late in the evening I had a cooler of beer to share so that worked out.

I was not the drunkest guy at the wedding. I know this because I didn't pass out in my chair, pour a flower vase down my pants, and I didn't somehow manage to rip the ass out of my pants like some people. (Although the person that achieved the last item may or may not have been my sister. OK, it was.) I wasn't as drunk as all of those people but I was drunk enough to snap one of my tent poles and ended up crashing on my sleeping bag in full view of just about anyone leaving Goessel on a Sunday morning.

That Sunday was spent recovering in Inman and on Monday we headed to watch the Royals and Twins play. We get there in time to get a great parking spot and did a little bit of tailgating before we went in. At the game we bought beer for me, margaritas for the lady, and started arguing about who was driving home. Heh.

It turns out I won and may have been the drunkest guy in the section. The lines at the concessions were ridiculous so once we both ended up buying me beers after I went to the ATM (very dangerous when you're buying $6 beers). I knew I'd be proper fucked if I drank all of those so I gave one to the kid sitting next to us. He looked like he was 12 but claimed he was 21. I didn't really care because he was pretty cool. I led the crowd in a couple of rousing "Let's go Royals!" chants but failed in coming up with anything to clever to yell at Michael Cuddyear in right field . I'm pretty sure I still yelled "you suck" at him enough that he felt bad. It seemed like half of Iowa decided to spend their Fourth in KC cheering for the Twins which pissed me off but I did talk to a pretty cool guy from Mason City in the beer line.

Unfortunately, we picked the game that the Royals absolutley choked in and gave away in the 9th inning. They hit Santana pretty hard which was good since all we heard on the radio before the game was "0.89 ERA in his last three games." But, the bullpen screwed them over and we left with a loss. Other than the loss the second worst part of the night was the fact that it rained a lot but they never called a delay.

A little sidenote but the Royals are actually playing some really good baseball. Over the last three weeks they have the 5th best record in the majors and have won 6 of the last 7 series. I'm not sure what happened but I always felt this team was better than they played earlier in the year. They had some guys hurt early and are starting to get some of them back so it's nice to see some positive signs. The Twins were red hot coming in and the Royals were so very close to sweeping them and just crushed the Blue Jays twice in a row. The Twins and Jays are trying to get into pennant races and the Cards were leading their division and the Royals got two wins off of all of them so I'm encouraged.

One other funny note for the baseball fans happened during Wednesday's (I think) game when the Twins intentionally walked Angel Berroa in the 7th before the Royals scored the three game winning runs that inning. It's funny because Royals fans know Berroa will swing at ANYTHING. I'm not even sure I could get the ball to the plate but I think I could strike him out because he'd be swinging even as the ball two-hopped it's way to the catcher. Literally, I think he has 8 walks this year and at least one of them was intentional. Not the best strategy, Ron.

So, we're leaving the game and I'm riding shotgun attempting to tell Veronica how to get back to Lawrence when somehow we ended up in the ghetto. She went to ask directions and told me to stay in the car but I decide I want to make some friends which didn't end as badly as it might have. Like I said, I'm a man of the people.

My 4th was actually pretty lame compared to the other days. We watched the World Cup and went over the a gathering which was a good time but then we went to a party which was not that great. Our group was a third of the people there and we didn't feel like being social so we left after watching the fireworks for a while. It wasn't bad but it wasn't great either.

I have a few more things to get to but I think that's enough for this post. Good to be back.

Campaniling never looked like this


I was cruising around on SI.com and came across a pic of Hef and his loyal army of skanks. Upon clicking the link I discovered they were standing, along with Heather Locklear, in front of the Campanile at ISU. It seems that Campaniling came in as the 8th best summer on-campus activity. In other news, summers on campus are low on activities.

Anyway, here's what they said:
8. Iowa State University: Try to get lucky at midnight under the Campanile, the campus bell tower. But the odds of your finding a partner who isn't "country" are slim to none. If that bothers you, go to the Free Speech Zone -- a place on campus designed for students to freely speak their minds about any and everything -- and vent about your miserable situation.

I would say that your chances of finding anyone to make out with are slim and none since the only people around the Campanile at midnight are cops on the prowl for underage kids planning to drink beer under it. Umm, or at least that was my experience.

If you happen to go on the Thursday before Homecoming you will find a ton of couples making out and a sizable group of singles (mostly dudes) standing around wishing they were drunk enough to plant one on the girl standing next to them. Also, my experience.

Of course, I do realize that this picture is a phony. How do I know, you ask? It's not that Heather Locklear's head is larger than Lake LaVerne as some might guess. It's that there have never been as many as five women with only one man anywhere on ISU's campus...ever.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Der Sommer von Deutschland

Earlier this summer Bill Simmons speculated that this could end up being the Summer of Germany. Unfortunately, things didn't work out quite like we thought they would. The speculation came as Dirk Nowitzki had the Mavs looking like a lock to win the NBA title and positioning himself as "The Guy That Shoulda Been MVP." Up 2-0, Dirk sneering his way through the playoffs humiliating everyone in his path. The secret to his success? Humming David Hasselhoff's "Looking for Freedom". This was the song that came in second place in a contest for the unified German national anthem (OK, that isn't actually true, it will forever be Germany's "God Bless America" to our own official national anthem). This sparked a bit of a Hoff resurgence and he started showing up various places singing his songs as people looked to a simpler time for their heroes. A time when Walker, Texas Ranger always spin-kicked the bad guys and there wasn't a massive insurgency afterward and when Mitch Bucannon saved people from drowning instead of letting an entire city drown in the Superdome.

Then the World Cup started, hosted by Germany. The opening round was electric with great play and many dramatic games with late goals. The hosts overcame the negativity and made it out of the first round undefeated and looking like the odds on favorites.

Everything was coming up, Germany. It looked like 1940 all over again. (Dammit, I just can't make a post about Germany without going to a WWII joke. Sorry.)

And then....

Dwyane Wade rises from nowhere to "single-handedly" (with a major assist to David Stern's refs) steal the series from the Dirk and the Mavs. Dirk goes into hiding, rips the owner, and shaves his head and beard.

Germany loses a heartbreaker to the "lazy, greasy parasites". The match was moments away from penalties where the robotic Germans thrive on the pressure and the overly expressive Italians always choke when two goals scream past Jens and the Germans are in the consolation game.

But, perhaps the biggest insult of all was yet to come. A drunken David Hasselhoff was allegedly escorted by security from Wimbledon.
According to The Sun:
BEER-swilling Baywatch star David Hasselhoff was booted out of Wimbledon — because he was “steaming drunk”.
A guard led him from the tennis tournament’s grounds after a series of clashes with security staff.
FIRST, the 53-year-old actor had a blazing row outside Centre Court. Guards would not let him in because he did not have a valid ticket.
THEN he was banned from press and players’ bars as he tried to get another drink.
Hasselhoff, who has fought a long battle with booze, yelled at staff: “You should let me in. Do you know who I am? I’m The Hoff.”

Yes, it appears that even The Hoff needs a ticket to this. Perhaps if it was the German Open or something...

Anyway, Wimbledon officials deny he was drunk and claim he was merely in an area without the proper credentials. In either case, good luck, Hoff and good luck, Germany. I hope things pick up soon but at least you can take consolation that you hosted a great Cup even if 90% of the people I talk to about the final say they hate both teams playing.