Thursday, November 30, 2006

Feel like vomiting

Here are the top ten most gruesome broken bones of all-time. Each have something disgusting to offer in their own way. The sick anticipation during the arm wrestling match, the bent boot when the guy goes off the top rope, watching a leg wrap around another during an ultimate fighting championship...they're all gross.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Stupid public servants...

My mail carrier is a moron.

When I first moved to this apartment I wrote my name on the card in my mailbox and the former tenant (Matt: with the guns) already had his name next to "forward" indicating he might want his mail to be forwarded to his new address. Then, for some reason, the carrier decides to write both of our names on the card and starts delivering all of his mail. After several days I have a stack of mail for this guy and it's still coming so I have to drive downtown and give it to the unfriendly workers at the main branch.

That problem was eventually resolved and things seemed good except for the fact that she never checked to see if I had any outgoing mail if there wasn't any incoming mail. I tried to solve this by twisting and folding my mail so it would stick out the top giving her no excuse to miss it. Apparently this wasn't good enough because I come back from my Thanksgiving vacation and my outgoing mail is crumpled into a ball at the bottom of my mailbox from the weight of all kinds of worthless catalogs or whatever other irrelevant crap they send me. So, instead of going out on Friday like I thought they would they are still wedged into a top corner of my box in an apparently futile attempt to get noticed by an oblivious, overpaid (which is quite a feat considering the pittance in wages they receive) postal worker.

I'm considering leaving a note with something like, "Dear US Postal Worker, what exactly do I have to do to get you to pick up my mail? Perhaps I now understand why "extremely low IQ" or "legal blindness" were not added to the list of things that won't keep you from making your appointed rounds. Now PLEASE TAKE THESE LETTERS AND SEND THEM OUT!"

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Da Clones

One of the running jokes on the internets and on the radio airwaves was that Mike Ditka would be the next coach of Iowa State. As I was driving to Nebraska a few weeks ago I happened across the Cyclone postgame show and a couple of people were calling in claiming they had seen him in the Des Moines airport and stuff like that. Obviously, it was ludicrous because why would Ditka want to come out of retirement from making penis enhancement ads to coach the Cyclones? And, while he was a great coach that was years ago and the last thing the team needs is an old coach that would rather sit on his ass than go recruit good players.

Well, apparently the Des Moines Register wasn't in on the joke.
Harbaugh's former coach with the Chicago Bears, Mike Ditka, also has been a name loosely thrown around in relation to the search.

"That's very flattering, but I have no desire to coach anymore," Ditka told the Register from his home Wednesday.

Ditka said he has not spoken with Pollard or anyone associated with the search - either on the phone or in Des Moines or Ames.

"There are a lot of young guys out there that would do a wonderful job at Iowa State, but I'm not a young man anymore," Ditka, 67, said. "My fire's gone."

Really? Well, thanks for the update. Anyway, the latest rumors are that Zombie Vince Lombardi is considering getting back into the coaching ranks. Any newspapers want to check out those reports?

Happy Thanksgiving, I guess

Maybe it's because I'm not going home for my traditional Thanksgiving unil tonight but I've found myself thinking about the origins of the holiday and what it means to celebrate it today.

The myth of the first Thanksgiving is told to us again and again starting in grade school. We're told of the kind Indians who saved the Pilgrims from starvation during a hard winter joining together for a feast of Thanksgiving in 1621. The reality is a little more complex. During the first winter the Pilgrims sent out searching parties to find the native population's winter storage and take them for themselves. They robbed the graves of whatever they could find as well. Despite this English-speaking Squanto and others did help the Europeans to learn how to survive in this new land. They were repaid with smallpox epidemics that decimated their populations.

The next Thanksgiving feast seemed to arise out of the celebration of the massacre of a Pequot village. The Pequots were blamed for the murder of an Englishman but refused to turn over the murderers. The settlers knew that a head to head military conflict would almost certainly lead to their defeat so they burned the village before dawn. Following the battle the Governor of the Massachusetts Bay Colony declared "this day forth shall be a day of celebration and thanksgiving for subduing the Pequots."

Over 700 men, women, and children were killed that day. The leader of the attack wrote, "It may be demanded...Should not Christians have more mercy and compassion? But...sometimes the Scripture declareth women and children must perish with their parents.... We had sufficient light from the word of God for our proceedings."

Of course this is but a small piece of the genocide that would continue to take place. In 1970, at the 350th anniversary of the Pilgrims landing at Plymouth Rock, a leader from the Wampanoag Nation was asked to speak. However, his speech was deemed to controversial for what they considered a celebratory atmosphere and refused to let him give it at the event. From this the National Day of Mourning was born.

I speak to you as a man -- a Wampanoag Man. I am a proud man, proud of my ancestry, my accomplishments won by a strict parental direction ("You must succeed - your face is a different color in this small Cape Cod community!"). I am a product of poverty and discrimination from these two social and economic diseases. I, and my brothers and sisters, have painfully overcome, and to some extent we have earned the respect of our community. We are Indians first - but we are termed "good citizens." Sometimes we are arrogant but only because society has pressured us to be so.

It is with mixed emotion that I stand here to share my thoughts. This is a time of celebration for you - celebrating an anniversary of a beginning for the white man in America. A time of looking back, of reflection. It is with a heavy heart that I look back upon what happened to my People.
...
History wants us to believe that the Indian was a savage, illiterate, uncivilized animal. A history that was written by an organized, disciplined people, to expose us as an unorganized and undisciplined entity. Two distinctly different cultures met. One thought they must control life; the other believed life was to be enjoyed, because nature decreed it. Let us remember, the Indian is and was just as human as the white man. The Indian feels pain, gets hurt, and becomes defensive, has dreams, bears tragedy and failure, suffers from loneliness, needs to cry as well as laugh. He, too, is often misunderstood.


Which brings us to today. While I'm gorging myself on my own feast 12% of Americans (35 million) were unable to put food on their table at some time in the last year. In supposedly the wealthiest nation on Earth we still allow many to go hungry or without access to medical care. After declaring that no American go hungry the USDA chose to solve that problem by eliminating the word from their reports, choosing to describe it as "very low food security." It's amazing to me how this country ignores these problems as the gap between the wealthy and poor continues to grow. The rich get richer and we claim the economy is humming. Obviously, we're not afraid to leave a poor child behind.

So, enjoy Thanksgiving but give some thought to some of the other factors surrounding the celebration.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Real (Sex) World

I'll admit that I'm kind of a sucker for the Real World. Sure, the show is contrived and has come to be even sleazier than your Average Joe reality show but that's kind of why I can't help but watch it. I mean, they've all but given up on the "experiment" of putting six complete strangers in a house and just said, "fuck it, we're finding the six most batshit crazy people we can and we're going to let them know the crazier they are the bigger star they'll become." So, the show is basically a bunch of people getting drunk, hooking up, and yelling at each other. And that's pretty much it.

I find myself almost bored with it at times because it is so predictable but at the same time I find myself really rooting for the ensuing drama and seeing exactly what kind of half-cocked lunatics they found this time.

Well, the Real World Denver hasn't disappointed so far. Literally on the first night over half of the house made out with each other. First was the two girls in a hot tub who randomly decided to jump on each other completely out of the blue. One of the girls sat next to the other one, they looked at each other and smiled, one leaned in for a kiss and the other jammed her tongue down her throat. You could almost see them thinking "alright, I know I'm going to be crazy on this show. What about you?" There was NOTHING that led up to it other than they were planning on making out with some chicks and they were going to it.

The other two were more of your standard drunken makeout and continued into the next day. Except the guy decided after he'd made out with this girl for a while that he'd really rather hook up with the former Raiders cheerleader with the fake boobs. So, he brushed this girl off when she tried to get him back into bed with her and eventually was making out with the cheerleader. They were in various stages of undress when the pizza they stuck in the oven started beeping. Damn.

This woke up Skank #1 who came downstairs to discover them pretending this guy had just passed out on the floor in the bedroom and Skank #2 had no clue he was there. And she bought it. He eventually told her he didn't want to be tied to down to making out with only one skank in the house and she left.

Then Skank #2 breaks out with "we were making out and next thing I knew we were having sex. I didn't want to do that to my new friend in the house so we stopped." Oh, well, at least you stopped after you started having sex instead of before.

There was so much making out and groping among these people that it was basically a PG-13 softcore porn movie. Actually, the plots of those movie actually give reasons for people to have sex whereas in the "Real World" just being in the same house together is reason enough. Pool cleaners and detectives are seriously closer to reality than these horn dogs.

At the end of the show they have the annual This Season on the Real World Crazy Montage which features 30 seconds of seizure inducing clips of people hooking up, screaming insane things, and lots and lots of crying. I looked over at Rachel when it was done and we both had the same look of shock on our faces. This season is going to rule! Even if I am embarrassed to admit that I watch it and embarrassed for these people to act like that.

EDIT: Here's a piece on the Denver alternative paper or whatever setting up a fake Real World shoot around town. Kind of funny.

Fox News must be Michigan fans

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Yao Ming brings shame to his family (with edit to appease the Germans!)


That's 5'9" Nate Robinson climbing the ladder on 7'6" Yao Ming.

Yao Ming is Chinese and Samurai are Japanese. Only an insensitive American would make a joke inferring that Ming would kill himself over his humiliation on the basketball court. ;)

Friday, November 17, 2006

Dating a pornstar might be the grossest thing you could ever do

Deadspin had a link to a porn blog because they had a post about Mary Carey hanging out with (formerly(?)) super-religious basketball player Josh Howard. So, I follow the link to see what it's all about (the places I go for research...) and find out that a porn blog has a lot more words that one would expect.

I skip past some super long entry about "Britain's Top Male Pornstar of the 60's" and finally find the post I'm looking for. There is apparently some drama between former N*Syncer (not the gay one obviously) Chris and Dwight Howard over Mary acting psycho. I'm amusing myself with the crazy story about her partying all the time and how Chris feels disrespected because she invited those guys over to his house and how she caused a huge scene at the basketball game because her seats were in the 9th row. Apparently she deserves much better seats. Which reminds of of the Sports Guy saying he saw her at a Clippers game and he thought she was flirting with Darko. Apparently you don't need playing time to get down with a porn star.

So, here's where the story takes a very disturbing turn:
"This guy said to Mary, 'We don't think you're cute.' All of a sudden, she went from normal to psychopath. She took all this food and drink and threw this coffee table.

"She picks up a frying pan and chases this guy with it. She picks up a guitar and swings it. 'Who's that motherf----- who says I wasn't cute?' She smashes it into the wall and shatters the guitar.

"They wanted $1,000 for the guitar. Mary starts crying. 'You can have all my money," she says. She only had $400.

"She wrote up a contract that she'd pay the money.

"The cops show up. Mary talks and talks and talks, making all these false accusations.

"We got back to the hotel. Mary didn't sleep the rest of the week.

"She told Chris that she had a surprise for him. She put on this jungle outfit. He has a stripper pole room in his house. She goes out to find Chris. There's a full party out there. They go, 'Chris had to go to a baby shower.' She was in an outfit for no reason like a retard.

"Mary and I were drinking all day. We were in the hot tub. Mary didn't think she was on her period but she was bleeding everywhere. Mary wouldn't wear a tampon."

Mary defecates in the hot tub.

Amelia: "These guys found Mary's clothes and there was ---- all over them."

I just threw up a lot in my mouth.

Here's a pic of fatass N*Sync dude and Mary flashing her breasts. Also hidden in that post is the rumor that Joey Fatone, also of N*Sync slept with two pornstars and Chyna. Is that what being in a boyband gets you? No thanks.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

For the sake of argument

For the sake of argument let's just say that you were in a very popular movie making a lot of comments that you might find embarrassing in a public situation and you said all of these things while you were really drunk. Then let's say you tried to sue the producers of the movie for intentionally getting you really drunk so you'd say those things. Wouldn't you take down your many MySpace pictures that feature you in various stages of drunkeness surrounded by confederate flag t-shirts? I know I would.

Dumb
Ass

For the sake of argument let's say the Russians have finally achieved the technology of late 80's sitcoms. Would you be scared? I know I would be.
MOSCOW -- Warner Bros. is on a roll in Russia with a local version of its 1980s TV hit "Perfect Strangers," featuring two local actors playing reincarnated versions of the show's original central characters Larry and Balki -- but with the new monikers of Andrei and Ivan.

This is a distinctly Russian version of the U.S. evergreen comedy that aired on ABC from 1986-93, starring Mark Linn-Baker as Larry and Bronson Pinchot as Balki. But the local actors playing the leads were diligent about studying their American counterparts' performances before hitting their marks.

Artem Semakin, who plays Andrei (and is known to Russian audiences for his role in CTC comedy "Born Ugly"), says during a pause in the frantic production pace on the Russian set, "The American actors have that accuracy which is so necessary in a sitcom: accuracy of tempo and pauses."

If the Russians can reverse engineer our sitcoms what's next? Reality TV? God help us if they figure out how to do that. Fortunately, they are sticking to mass producing this.
And this is just the beginning for Warner Bros. International Television as it heads east in a scripted format deal with the Russians that will see its popular sitcoms "Suddenly Susan," "Step by Step" and "Full House" go Cyrillic.

What? No Family Matters? No Blossom? How do you say, "did I do that" in Russian? "Whoa!"?

In other TV news I got to watch a low-speed chase that started in Lawrence after he started destroying merchandise at the grocery store where he worked. The police came and he hijacked a van and took off for Missouri. He ran through a lot of spike strips before the police finally spun out his van on a bridge. The best part of the chase was the second-guessing coming from the reporter in the helicopter as the cops repeatedly failed to get the van to stop. That guy would have ended that chase an hour ago if he was in charge. Unfortunately for him he devoted his life to reporting on whatever meaningless crap they put on the "news" while he waits for the one exciting thing per month.
I found this link to a Michigan blog on Deadspin today. The post references an email sent to Michigan students warning them not to go Columbus for the game or how to be safe if they do. It reminded me of some of our trips into Iowa City. Let's look at the email and compare what we did.

We know that it can be uncomfortable being in an opposing team's environment, especially when the stakes are so high. We would like to offer a few suggestions in order to help you stay safe and have a positive experience this weekend:

--Try carpooling to the game; if possible, drive a car with non- Michigan license plates.
--Keep your Michigan gear to a minimum, or wait until you are inside the stadium to display it.
--Stay with a group.
--Know and obey the laws regarding alcohol use.
--If you are of legal age to drink, use alcohol in moderation. Stay in the blue.
--Stay low-key; don't draw unnecessary attention to yourself.
--If verbally harrassed by opposing fans, don't take the bait.
--Avoid High Street in Columbus.

OK, I think I broke all of those. Kept my ISU sticker on my car, wore my ISU shirts all weekend, wandered around drunk.
I definitely did not obey alcohol laws my sophomore (unless 20 year olds drinking all night after a party in their dry dorms is allowed that weekend).
Moderation...what's that? And what the hell is staying "in the blue"?
Stay low-key. Hmm, does sitting in their student section, flipping everyone off, and wearing a shirt that says "fuck the Hawks" count as not drawing unecessary attention to yourself, Swany? I guess we can blame him for the assault that followed.
I can take the blame for not taking the bait when verbally harrassed. I'm not going to let some tool talk shit on my team. Asshole.

Anyway, I came back with my life which probably wouldn't have happened in Columbus so Hawk fans must be pretty tame in comparison.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Here's the worst part about having Peter King on Sunday Night Football

I usually enjoy Peter King's Monday NFL column even if he does occasionally give us a colonoscopy story or ramble on about the Patriots and Giants for at least half of every column or...oh, yeah, anyway despite all of that I do usually enjoy his columns. Unfortantely, now that he has to be in New York for the Sunday night game he is missing out on a lot of the interesting behind the scenes antecdotes from whatever game he was covering that day.

Now we get these "hilarious" jokes that the other studio guys tell. I don't see how anyone could admit that their show has been anything but a trainwreck. Sharpe talks nonsense and laughs maniacally at dumb jokes, Bettis thinks his role is to sit there and talk about how upset he is that the Steelers lost, Costas thinks he needs to be a comedian, and Collinsworth is just a moron and makes dumb jokes for the rest of them to use their fake laugh. Anyway, it's almost impossible to watch but apparently King thinks those jokes are so good that we need to hear the ones they make when they aren't on the air.

Idiot Row

How about the two announcers at Seattle-St. Louis, J.C Pearson and Matt Vasgersian, both wearing dark jackets, pink shirts and striped ties? "They're the Bobbsey Twins!'' Bob Costas exclaimed.
Oh, man, Bob, that is great! They dressed alike. Good one!
"We'll be back with the second-half tipoff right after these messages.''
-- Cris Collinsworth, in the NBC viewing room Sunday, after the Bengals kicked a field goal in the fourth quarter to climb within 42-41 in Cincinnati.
This one I actually had to read a few times because I didn't realize it was supposed to be a joke. I just thought he was saying something typically idiotic. Because...see...it's like a basketball game. They both have over 40 points! Ha, I love it! Thank God I don't have to sit there and watch games with these guys trying to pull out their latest zinger and hoping that Costas won't try to steal it that night on the show.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Update on World's Fattest Husker Fan

One of my very first posts on MLitB was about a 1000 pound man in Nebraska that wanted to lose weight so he could go to a Husker game. I, of course, found this hilarious and mocked the fact that a group called the "League of Human Dignity" arranged for him to be weighed on a livestock scale because there's so much dignity in that.

As of the post the man had lost over 300 pounds but still had a lot to go. Well, I was watching the news a couple of days ago and at the end they actually mentioned this guy and the fact that he went to the game last week. I'm like, wait, I remember making fun of that guy! So, I eventually found the post and an article on him. I'll be serious for a second and say it's pretty impressive that he's now lost over 700 pounds even if he is still a huge tool for being a Nebraska fun. And he still looks like a pear.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Class Act

There's no doubt that Mac was a class act until the end.

“I am announcing today that I will step down from my position as Head Football Coach at Iowa State University at the conclusion of this season,” McCarney said. “Sometimes, you just know it’s time. As hard as it is to say that – especially because I know that this department is on the cusp of some special things – I realize it is time for different leadership. I have led the football program for 12 years. That is a long time in this day and age to lead any organization.”

“The bottom line is that we didn’t win enough games and that is the measuring stick in this business,” McCarney said. “I respect the vision that Jamie (Pollard) has for this department. My lone regret is that I won’t be part of that future. I felt a change in the leadership of the football program was in the best interest of the overall department, and I am at peace with this decision. Certainly, I am very proud of many things we accomplished over the past 12 years, but we did not experience enough victories in 2006 to keep the momentum going.”

McCarney expressed gratefulness for the chance to return to his native state 12 years ago and join the Cyclone family.

“I can’t begin to count the blessings that I received at ISU,” McCarney said. “The positives far outweigh the negatives. I’ve made countless friends and formed lifetime relationships with coaches, staff, players and fans. Bringing respect back to this program has been a ‘team’ effort. I could go on and on with names of people who believed in this program, rolled up their sleeves and made good things happen. Rather than risk leaving people out, however, I simply offer a comprehensive ‘thank you’ to everyone who pitched in.”


UPDATE: I watched Mac's statement at the press conference tonight at Cyclones.com. It had some quality moments in there. You can tell how much he loves Iowa State because he said it about five times and he went through some of his favorite moments. One of those was after the first year he beat Nebraska. He said he finally got into the lockeroom because of all the people on the field (and it was easily the most people I've ever seen rush a field at once) and they told him that ESPN wanted to do an interview with him in about half an hour but Mac said he wanted to go celebrate with his friends and family so if they wanted to do it they could go to his house. He said he didn't think they would show up and had forgotten about them by the time the satellite truck pulled in front. I'm trying to remember how exactly he said it but it was something like, "and I'd already been celebrating for about an hour and a half so I did my first national interview half in the bag." I guess we had something in common that game. Well, I think I was probably so far in the bag that I had already fallen through it.

Goodbye, Coach McCarney

Looks like Dan McCarney will resign sometime soon making the game against Mizzou his last as coach of Iowa State. It's definitely not how people expected it would end. Personally, I think it's a pretty big bummer since Mac is a good guy and brought ISU football to some level of respectability after years of really, really crappy seasons. To add to that McCarney has basically been ISU athletics. Consider that, in the 7 or so years I've been an ISU fan, the program has seen two University presidents, three ADs, three basketball coaches, two wrestling coaches, the Eustachy incident, and Pete Taylor's death. For a coach with a career .396 winning percentage he really did some great things for ISU football.

Unfortunately, I think the program has some problems and needs a change to keep the momentum going forward. He basically built the program but it seems like it's time for someone else to take it over. My guess is that he'll get a nice ovation from a pretty big crowd which is what he deserves. It's true that I won't miss the predictible draws or blown 4th quarter leads but I will miss seeing him on the sidelines and the fact that you could always tell that he bled cardinal and gold.

It's kind of a scary time and the margin of error is so tiny when you're trying to build a program with such a small budget. Hopefully Jamie Pollard can find someone that will continue to add to the program that Mac built.

Amusing election results

Sometimes Kansas City really makes me laugh. On the one hand Johnson County, KS, the wealthiest county in the area, has a proposal to build some massive soccer park for the kids. The plan looked pretty solid and was supposed to bring a ton of money into the area as billions of suburban moms and dads from across the midwest bring their kids to soccer tournaments there. So, of course, JoCo shoots it down by a wide margin. Despite having the most money they almost always shoot their tax proposals down while neighboring Wyandotte County approves everything which is why they now have a Nascar track, a minor league baseball team, a Cabela's, and a monstrous shopping center.

So, on the other side of the border they were voting for a plan that included building a giant gondola to transport people around town, electric shuttle busses, and a lightrail (a genuine, bona fide, electrified, six-car Monorail! What'd I say? Monorail!). This is the same plan that has been on the ballot six times and defeated six times. Once again the plan is opposed by every single politician in the city and both transportation agencies in the city. They said the plan is unfeasible, way underbudgeted, and has no chance of gaining any federal money. So, of course, they pass the plan. I guess the No supporters should have written a song like the guy that came up with the idea.

The city leaders have basically said we can't do this plan and are going to scrap it. It kind of sucks because KC does need to improve their public transit but, despite the downtown revival, is still mainly a suburban metro and is hesitant to spend the money. Hopefully they will take this as a sign that a good transit system is needed and come up with a better plan.

Or just spend the money on a giant billboard that says, "No Fat Chicks!"

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Kicking Ass

I have to say I'm enjoying this election night a little more than in 2004.

As of about 11:00 the Democrats have picked up 20 seats in the House and will take control and Kansas kicked out super fundie Phill Kline, re-elected Sebelius in a near landslide, and taken the congressional seat from corrupt miler Jim Ryun. It's probably the best night Kansas Dems have had in a long, long time. Some of the State Board of Ed races are looking a little iffy but the pro-science crowd will have a majority no matter what.

OK, that was foul. Just plain foul.

Welcome to Skeezville, USA.

Let's set the scene. It's late at night and I'm sleeping before my big day today. It's election day and I've got a big test and lab to go to. So, I'm having some weird dream when I finally wake up and realize that people are talking right outside of my window. I live on the 3rd floor of an apartment building and a balcony goes all the way around the building kind of like a motel and the stairs are right outside my bedroom and I can usually hear when people are talking out there. So, these two drunkies are talking about whatever. It sounds like the girl is sitting down and won't get up. She keeps saying, "take me to the party. You said there was a party."
"No, I didn't say anything about a party."
"Yeah, I heard you on the phone take me to the party."
"Seriously, there's no party."
They talk for a while and I'm kind of dozing off before I realize now instead of "take me to the party" the girl is saying "take me. Take me. Do you know what that means? Take me."
I'm thinking, uh oh, I think I know what THAT means. Eventually the guy figures it out too because it's quiet for a while and I think they've probably gone somewhere but I didn't really hear them leave. Then I start to hear the moaning. Oh shit. Are you kidding me? What the hell am I supposed to do lay here and listen to this? Walk out and tell them to leave? I'm like a traumatized child staring at the ceiling while...THAT is going on right outside.

Pretty soon she's doing some more moaning and "harder harder." Good Lord this can't get any worse. Finally there is some sort of incident and the guy's legs hurt or something (gee, you mean doing on a balcony made of 2x4's ISN'T comortable?) and he yells at her. That's the last thing I heard besides them walking away but I still laid there forever trying to go back to sleep but it wasn't happening. I was way too disturbed to relax after that exhibition.

So, this morning I'm off to class and what's the first thing I see when I turn the corner? A frickin' condom wrapper. Fortunately that was all I saw so I threw it away just because I don't want my other neighbors thinking I'M doing that shit around here.

But, seriously. Isn't that one of the foulest things you've ever heard? The worst part is I'm pretty sure I know who the two people are and they LIVE IN MY BUILDING! Between the two of you you can't find a better place to screw other than right outside my window? Really? It wouldn't be less intrusive to maybe wake your roommate up instead of everyone on my side of the building? I'm going to have to hook up a hose or something to start spraying people down. So, now every time I see either of them I'm going to get totally skeezed out. Maybe I should just spray everything down with lysol out there.

So far my building has people getting jumped, drug dealers throwing their shoes up on the electrical wire like anyone is going to find them that way, this apartment's old tenant shooting at the stoplights, and people turning tricks outside my place. Yep, welcome to the ghetto. I can't wait until the heroin junkies are passed out at my door.

I'm rich, biatch!

I opened up my library book this evening and something fell out. Upon inspection it appeared to be some sort of foreign currency. It had 500,000 on it so I was pretty sure I just struck it rich. So, I start using the Google to search for the words to try to figure out what country it was from and whether I can quit my job or just spend it all on booze.

So, I figure out that it's in Italian which might cause a problem since they're using the Euro now. However, I discover an auction on eBay Italia that is selling the very note that I found for....2 euros. Damn. That's like $2.50. Looks like if I can sell it I can afford to buy a 40 of Mickey's so I guess it's not a total loss...

I'm looking at the thing and trying to figure out why it doesn't actually say Italy on there when I notice the man on the bill looks a lot like David Koresh to me so I decide to check him out.

Umberto Rossi...let's see....
Umberto Bossi is often described by some as a neo-fascist, racist, low-cultured maverick.

Uhh, whoa. Neo-fascist racists don't usually get put on money. Although it is Italy...

After some searching I find that he is the leader of a seperatist movement in Northern Italy where they hope to kick out all the immigrants and live like happy Italians without those greasy southerners screwing things up. And the trains are going to run on time, dammit.

So, to draw attention to their movement it seems they printed up a bunch of bills that people were supposed to use. I don't know if anyone did but I do know that I can sell mine for about $2.50 so I kind of doubt the movement is flourishing. He's most famous for saying "La Lega ce l'ha duro!" which means "The Lega (his movement) has a boner" which is kind of cool, I guess.

So, uh, yeah. Viva Padana or something. Perhaps, someday, if you get your racist, neo-fascist state I can go there and spend it.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Dude, dude, dude, just use the Google



"Hmm, how much longer do I hafta be preznit? This is boring. Hey, Karl, what's the name a that program on the Google where I can look at the ranch from outer space? Heh, I love that thing."

But, seriously, doesn't it sound like he doesn't use email because it doesn't leave a trail? I guess he thinks it might be easier for him to shred documents than to completely erase his emails. Of course, that's only if you don't get a law passed to avoid prosecution for war crimes.

With that in mind, I hope all of you vote or (like me) have already voted the right way. If all goes according to plan, Tom DeLay's "permanent majority" will last just two years and he won't even be around to see the end of it.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Hilton Magic goes to 11

In honor of ISU tipping off their basketball season against EA Sports "It's in the Game!" (they should really make that last part an official part of the name) I'm posting what I found on the official homepage about the changes to Hilton this year. A few of the highlights:
When you find your seat, note that it is red -- not 1970s orange. All of the cushioned chairs were refurbished or replaced, a process made difficult by the fact that there were three different sizes to change out.
Seriously, this needed to happen about 20 years ago. Orange seats? We're not OSU. Although, in a strange way, it will be a little odd not to have them there.
The chairs located in the east and west bleacher areas behind the baskets remain unchanged, but the configuration on the west side will mirror the east side. The walkway splitting the west stands will be filled in and fans will enter and exit by going under the bleachers on either side.

The basketball court isn't new, but it did get a facelift. The Cyclone logo at center court is bigger and the endlines were repainted. Press row, which lined the south side of the court, was partially relocated to the north concourse and replaced by "Court Cy'd Club" donor seating.
Sweet...front row seats for when Jack Nicholson and Spike Lee stop by. Or for me after I make my first million.
A new "ring beam" -- a continuous videoboard that encircles the arena at the balcony level -- displays messaging, advertisements, and video graphics. The center-hung video scoreboard is new, weighing in at 21,500 pounds. It took an estimated 40,000 pounds of added steel reinforcement in the ceiling to support the new equipment. All game statistics will be updated instantly and displayed on the center video scoreboard and "ring beam" via the official gameday statistics laptop computer system.
The video ring should look good and it will be nice to be able to see stats if you're in one of the spots where the baseline scoreboards are blocked by the hanging one like the students are. I'm assuming this new scoreboard will actually feature the score somewhere. It looks like it's all video so that's good. Plus, damn, that looks a lot bigger.
A new sound system has been installed, delivering sound more evenly throughout the arena, including the balcony. But the biggest change in sound will be the location of the band. A new Big 12 Conference men's basketball rule has moved pep bands away from the visitor benches. In Hilton, that will relocate the band from the northwest corner to the south end of the bleachers behind the west basket, the same spot it occupies for women's games.
Band, I thought we told you to go home.

Here's a photo (possibly NSFW...I'm sorry for posting such a hot picture but I couldn't help it)

I think my only dissappointment is there aren't individual Clone Cone dispensers at each seat but I guess that might have been more than they could afford at this point. That will be what I do after I make my first $10 million. (After I make my first billion I'm going to have them tear down the Jischke Building.)

So, now the only question is when is the soonest we can get back for a game?

Second thoughts on flipping off Bush


From Seattle:
SEATTLE -- A middle-school bus driver fired after she reportedly made an obscene gesture at President Bush has filed a union grievance in an attempt to get her job back.

The 43-year-old driver, whose name has not been released by the Issaquah School District, was shepherding a busload of middle-school children back from the Seattle zoo on June 16 when the president and Rep. Dave Reichert, R-Wash., drove slowly by in a motorcade along Interstate 5. From the bus, stopped on an onramp, the children waved; with the windows down in their car, Bush and Reichert waved back.

That's when the driver extended the old one-finger salute, according to Reichert and Issaquah Superintendent Janet Barry.

"The congressman hadn't seen it, but the president turned to him and said, 'That one's not a fan,'" said Reichert spokeswoman Kimberly Cadena. "There were many comments and gestures made that day that many people would consider to be offensive. This individual did so around children."

So many great things in that story. The image of all these kids waving at the president and then the bus driver flipping him off at the end is classic. I also love Bush's response, "that one's not a fan." Sure, the guy's a sociopathic liar and the worst president ever but that's kind of a funny line.

Thursday, November 02, 2006


This might not be as funny to you as it is to those that see Herm all the time now. He did a pretty good job when he gets going about his wife.

Oh, and if you didn't realize or see it already it's Larry Johnson imitating Herm on Halloween. I was actually listening to the radio live during the press conference and it took me a second to realize what was going on. It didn't sound exactly like Herm but it did enough that I was really confused.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Hey, fatass (with bonus IMDB hilarity)

I'm not typically one to start ranting and raving about our "politically correct" society. In fact, it seems like a lot of people are looking for an excuse to be an asshole while claiming to just be "politically incorrect." Maybe, I shouldn't call them "assholes"...how about "civility impaired" (hmm, those jokes are still golden, though).

Despite this attitude this story caught my eye.


WINTER HAVEN, Florida (AP) -- Police Chief Paul Goward was tired of looking around his department and seeing blubber hanging over the belts of some of his officers. So he sent out a memo exhorting the "jelly bellies" to shape up.

In the end, the department lost 190 pounds -- all of them belonging to Goward. He was forced out as chief because some of his officers took offense at the memo.

The October 11 memo bruised feelings on the 80-member force, drew at least one anonymous letter of complaint from officers about the chief's management style and made his department the butt of jokes about fat cops and doughnuts.

"If they got their feelings hurt to the extent of `Do something about it,' then I did what I was intending to do," said an unapologetic Goward, a trim 6-footer who was forced to resign his $92,000-a-year post last week.

Some of the chief's defenders said his ouster was a big overreaction.

"He offered tremendously good advice, yet he was sacked," wrote Thomas Roe Oldt, a columnist for The Ledger of Lakeland.

In his memo, titled "Are You a Jelly Belly," the chief never singled anyone out, and apart from the title, didn't call anyone names.

Instead, he provided a list of 10 reasons police officers should be in shape. He said overweight police poorly represent the profession, poop out when chasing suspects and might have to resort to "a higher level of force" if a criminal got the upper hand in a fight. He said out-of-shape cops are a liability to the city and their families.

"Take a good look at yourself," he wrote. "If you are unfit, do yourself and everyone else a favor. See a professional about a proper diet and a fitness training program, quit smoking, limit alcohol intake and start thinking self-pride, confidence and respectability. And stop making excuses for delaying what you know you should have been doing years ago. We didn't hire you unfit and we don't want you working unfit. Don't mean to offend, this is just straight talk. I owe it to you."



I'm sorry but you're a fatass cop and the chief called you on it. Are your feelings really so easily hurt that being potentially referred to as a "jelly belly" will cause you severe enough emotional harm that he needs to be fired? It's not a newsflash that not being overweight might make you a better cop.

Shit, when I was a kid it was entertainment to stay out past curfew and try to make the cops chase you because you knew they were too fat and lazy to actually jump a fence or run after somebody. Fortunately, there weren't any real criminals in the town for them to chase because that last Jelly Donut from Wen's just put him over the edge.

And, just a sidenote, Bobcat Goldthwait shows up when you Google Search for "fat police".
While reading through his profile at this site I clicked through to his ex-wife Nikki Cox, and discovered she was in Terminator 2. What? Are you serious? How did I not notice this?

So, I check out her IMDB page and discover she is credited as "Girl". This, along with her debut on Mama's Family (my sister and I could probably make a pretty convincing argument that this is the worst show ever made. We've been hating it since we were old enough to flip through the channels on our own), and appearances on two episodes of Star Trek:TNG, a Paula Abdul video, The Ryan White Story, Night Court, and Murphy Brown catapulted her to....more TV shows. Like 4 episodes of Blossom (whoa!), Boy Meets World, The Nanny, two episodes of California Dreams (I'm ashamed to admit I remember watching this show and it was on when I was 13), and Sister Sister. Good Lord, she was on about every show worth being on in the mid-90's. We haven't even gotten to all the crappy shows she "starred" in.

I love how I can turn a rant about fat cops getting their boss fired into mocking Nikki Cox's career and there's nothing you can do about it.

OK, just one more. Nikki Cox was aslo in a USA movie called "She Cried No!" (about date rape...surprise!) with Candace Cameron and Mark-Paul Gosselaar, aka DJ Tanner and Zach Morris. Wow, now there's an image that would be disturbing for a lot of kids around my age. Unfortunately, the unforgiving IMDB.com voters only gave it 5.6 stars.

Note: this TV movie isn't to be confused with TV movie"No One Would Tell" where Candace Cameron is psychologically abused by her boyfriend, played by Fred Savage. Also, not to be confused with TV movie "Nightscream" where Candace Cameron solves the murder of her look-alike. Or TV movie "Sharon's Secret" where she is accused of murdering her parents. Damn, I guess being raised by a houseful of psycopathic men wasn't the worst thing that would happen to her.

Wow, I really did enjoy that waaaay too much.

Shudder...

Bush is coming to Kansas this weekend and it's just a little down the road in Topeka. The reason for his visit? It's a last ditch effort to prevent the embarrassing defeat of incumbent right-wing radical and corrupt Republican Jim Ryun.

Nancy Boyda has run a great campaign and taken advantage of the glaring Republican incompetance to close within a statistical tie. Yeah, things have gotten so bad that Bush and Cheney have to come to freaking Kansas to try to save their guy. Not only that but Cheney has been to Idaho and Wyoming to try to save endangered incumbents there. Are you serious? These are the wingnuttiest of the wingnuttiest. It almost sounds like they've decided to go with this strategy.

Imagine my joy if Kansas' Democratic governor crushed whoever it is that's running against her (which will happen) and two of the four representatives were Democrats (one is a shoe-in and the other has a decent shot).

Unfortunately, I'm just a few blocks away from Boyda's district and had to vote for torture-enabler Dennis Moore. I suppose torture-enabling Democrats from Kansas are still better than torture-enabling Republicans but I had to hold my nose while doing it.

I'm hoping I can figure out a way to protest Bush in some way. They usually keep a pretty tight lid on his events but maybe I could be somewhere to flip off his limo or something. "I just flipped off President George, now I'm going to Disneyland..."