Friday, May 18, 2007

I truly am blessed

Sitting in my mailbox when I came home today was something that can only be described as divine intervention. On the outside of the envelope it said "God's Holy Spirit instruced us to loan you this to start turning things around for you. So, here it is. Use it and be blessed."

Hmm, I thought. That's interesting. They're using God's name to loan people money? On the back there is a written prayer asking God to annoint this letter to meet my most pressing needs as I open this church letter. It continues on to
"let Thy power from heaven descend upon this home tonight and tomorrow night, after this one has mailed their most pressing needs back" (all emphasis theirs, by the way). "We pray that they will break open this sealed prophecy after sunset tomorrow. Amen"

So, I open it up and discover they are not in fact loaning money but a paper prayer hankerchief.
My momentary disappointment is assuaged after reading further. The letter goes on to explain how people used special handkerchiefs sent by the apostle Paul as points of faith contact items and apparently they gave miracles.
"And God wrought special miracles by the hands of Paul" So that from his body were brought unto the sick H-A-N-D-K-E-R-C-H-I-E-F-S or aprons, and the diseases departed from them, and the evil spirts went out of them." ACTS 19:11,12.
I don't know if "handkerchiefs" is actually spelled out like that in the Bible because I didn't have time to check. I was much too excited by what I read next.

Apparently all I have to do for this to work is follow these instructions:
"1) PRINT YOUR NAME AND YOUR MOST PRESSING PROBLEM, BY FAITH, IN THE CENTER OF THIS BIBLE HANDKERCHIEF. Yes, that's what I said...print your name, by faith in the center of this church handkerchief AND THE NAME OF SOMEONE ELSE WHOM YOU REALLY LOVE THAT NEEDS GOD'S HELP. Print their name and yours."

I was a little confused about what to do but the all-caps instructions and the repeat afterwards helped explain it to me.
"2) Then, OPEN YOUR BIBLE TO THE BOOK OF ACTS, CHAPTER 19, VERSES 11 AND 12, if you have a Bible. If not, it's okay. God sees."

Whew, I have a Bible. Not that I don't trust God but I'd feel better if I was actually seen doing this. I'll do it twice just in case God was looking somewhere else the first time.
"3) Then, LAY THIS BIBLE FAITH HANDKERCHIEF (with your name printed in the center of it) ON THIS SCRIPTURE."

Oh man, I almost forgot to write my name on it.
"4) Leave it there under your side of your bed for TONIGHT ONLY! If you can't, God will see your situation, but we would like you to sleep over it."

OK, not to sound like a whiner but it's going to be hard to sleep on top of my Bible. I mean, I'm no "Princess and the Pea" but I like to be comfortable. Our first potential road block.
"In the morning, please take this faith handkerchief out of that Bible, put it into this self-addressed envelope (the church will pa the postage for you - this is so important_ and return it to us in the morning. I repeat, please do not keep this faith handkerchief, and please do not break this flow of God's spirit from my home to your home. Rush this Bible, church handkerchief back, for I must write something, in the spirit, to you that's good and is coming to your door."

I'm confused. Do I have to send them my Bible too? The instructions continue about the importance of me making a seed offering to the church as a seed to my harvest. I get it, give a little, get a little. That makes sense. Also included is a sealed prophecy that I am not to open until sunset tomorrow. I'm not sure I can wait that long. I hope it's like Harry Potter's prophecy.

So, with my handkerchief I am supposed to send back a checklist of things I want them to pray for me. There are several choices so I'll just tell you a few of them.
Dear Pastors at Saint Matthew's 56-Year-Old Church,
I received this Bible handkerchief and this Sealed Prophecy you loand me, and I used it as you instruced in this spiritual letter of faith. Now, I am returning it for prayer that God would me a special miracle blessing. I shall open this sealed prophecy after sunset tomorrow.
Pray for my family and me for...
To be Saved
Confusion in my home
My Children
A Better Job
To Stop a Bad Habit
A New Car
A Money Blessing
Pray for God to bless me with this amount of money: $_______"
I'm not going to lie, when I got to the part about "a new car" I said it in Rod Roddy from the Price is Right's voice. A NEW CAR!

Wow, I'm just so honored they chose me and everyone else in my apartment building for this unique honor. I'm writing my name on my paper handkerchief right now and enclosing my check for $100 and asking God for a million dollars. That's a pretty good investment, right? Their testimonial page is so convincing.
"I received a check for $3,500"
"Son in Law Is Off Dope"
"God made a way for my son to come back home with us. That same day, I sent the handkerchief back to (you) ( sic). God also blessed me to fix up my house."
Wow, just like Extreme Makeover Home Edition.

So, in addition to the million dollars I'm also praying that my friends will start watching the Office. Isn't this exciting????

Also, one of my neighbors carelessly dropped theirs on the stairs so perhaps I could pick it up for one of you if God isn't watching. Please reply with all haste so you can share in my financial windfall.

You know, I feel sorry for those people that are so desperate that they are willing to fall for those Nigerian money laundering scams. I'm glad that I have something greater in which to place my faith.



Blogger Shawn said...

So if you do pick up that un-God-supervised hanky, here's a few write-in devotions you can throw into it for me (along with a few C-notes that have "In God we trust" underlined):

-An adequate flossing product
-The poor people
-Comedic Timing
-Softer Earwax
-Confusion in my Pants
-Pray for Softer Earwax in this amount: ___oz.
-To help me drink more
-To hear God in hip hop songs
-Less whales dying

People, this is your chance! Get in while the hanky's hot! Who else is in need of a subsidized Spiritual Loan??


1:20 PM  
Blogger Paul said...

we get something similar in minneapolis: prayer rugs that are "soaked in the power of prayer." the rug is actually a piece of paper that is printed like a rug with an optical illusion sketch wherein jesus appears before and opens his eyes.

we're supposed to see jesus in the rug, pray on it (facing arbitrary direction, i guess), then send it back to the company with our small gift.

why, just last month some lady prayed for money and "was blessed with" $50,000 or so. dizzam!!

2:05 AM  
Blogger Warrior Princess said...

I would also like to pray for softer ear wax for Shawn- have you ever seen that mess?!!! I believe somewhere there is video of Kevin Cunningham being totally grossed out by Shawn boiling out his ears, or whatever he does to remove that unGodly body product.

9:47 AM  

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