Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Old Clueless Fred

Of any of the Republican presidential candidates I think Fred Thompson might be one of my least favorite. I'm not sure what exactly it is but I think it has to do with all of the media hype that surrounded him "will he or won't he?" and the laughable notion that he's somehow a "sexy" candidate. I mean, have you seen this guy? He looked old on Law and Order and he looks like he's about a hundred and five now. Plus time and time again he's proved that he's absolutely clueless about the issues of today and doesn't even seem like he really cares that much. His reason for wanting to be president was something like, "there's a lot of things that only a president can do." I hear that and think of some guy going through a midlife crisis that wants to launch a bunch of cruise missiles at some Third-World country to feel like a real badass.

Anyway, this exchange in New Hampshire really made me laugh.
Edward Paul, an employee of the Delta Dental Plans Association, asked the question Monday, but had trouble being understood.

"I'm proud to say that in January 2008 New Hampshire has passed a law facilitating civil unions here. ... What is your belief for federal civil unions to be passed?" Paul asked.

"Soviet Union?" Thompson responded.

"No, civil unions," Paul said.

"Oh. No, I would not be in support of that," Thompson said.

Paul said he wasn't surprised, or impressed.

Looks like it's time to put Grampa to bed.

What? Western Union? Rugby Union? European Union? Who?

Soviet Union? Yikes, are we sure this guy still doesn't think he's in The Hunt for Red October?

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Hold up, I just need to fix this banner


Look out!

My favorite part, besides the girl getting trampled, is the part when they show it four times in a row while the anchor makes every smart ass comment he can think of like he's Kenny Mayne or something. The people of Seattle are lucky to have a news show like this. Hilarious. I've already watched this a few times and now I'm clicking on the tag so I can see all of the other classic videos in this genre.

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Sunday, October 28, 2007

The Ultimate Heart Attack Pizza

I've seen some pretty amazing food concoctions in my day and I've known some people that have put a serious hurt into KFC buffets ("the biscuits are my downfall") or the Wendy's dollar menu. So, I think I'm kind of curious why no one had ever tried using McDonald's ingredients to make a pizza.

Honestly, it looks kind of brutal but I'd totally eat it. The cheeseburger part sounds pretty good and I think the fries would be good too. I'm not sold on the chicken nuggets but it might surprise me.

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Friday, October 26, 2007

Only in Nebraska?

Probably.
A woman let her teenage daughter lean out of a moving van to take beer from a vehicle that was driving alongside on a southeastern Nebraska highway, authorities said Wednesday.

Terry Kisling, 47, of Hickman, was driving the van of high school cheerleaders to a football game in Nebraska City earlier this month when a group of boys pulled up next to them in a sport-utility vehicle, Norris High School principal John Skretta said.

One of the girls apparently signaled to the boys and asked for a beer, and Kisling inched the van closer to the SUV, letting her daughter lean out to grab the can, he said.

"To say that we were shocked and taken aback would be an understatement," said Skretta, who said he learned of the incident last week. "It's almost unfathomable."

The vehicles didn't touch and nobody was hurt. The beer was passed around the van for several girls to drink, Skretta said.

Kisling was charged with procuring alcohol for minors, contributing to the delinquency of minors and reckless driving, said Chief Deputy Mike Holland of the Otoe County sheriff's department. Kisling is due in court Nov. 26.

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Thursday, October 18, 2007

Did you know it's Raider Week?


The Crypt Keeper knows.

For a second I thought it must be a Halloween costume. Then I thought no, he's a Raiders fan so he probably just dressed like a zombie like all the other freaks in the Black Hole. Then I realized it's actually just the reanimated corpse of Al Davis.

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Sunday, October 14, 2007

Success....pretty much

So, I managed to attend both games that I planned to.

The day started with an early morning (the ungodly hour of 8:30 AM) wakeup call. The weather looked like rain and the Weather Channel radar agreed with that assessment so I put on the jacket that looked the most waterproof and head over to John and Adam's place for some College Gameday and pregame beers. During the next two hours it started pouring and lightning-ing-ing. We got inside the stadium and were told that the game had been delayed an hour and forty-five minutes due to the storms. We deliberated for a while and decided the most prudent course of action was to head to the Crossing about a block or two away.

This proved to be a fortuitous decision because it allowed me to drink $6 pitchers and watch ISU score their only points of the day! Jack Trice looked packed which is sort of amazing that so many fans will still turn out just to see this team get destroyed every week. I think that ISU fans deserve to cheer for a winner someday and I'm not just saying that because I am one.

Some other highlights from the Crossing included overhearing a story that started something like, "and then I swear to God my brother shit his pants" and finished with "but don't tell him I told you that. Ah, hell, go ahead and tell him." We also got to see part of Iowa's upset of Illinois. The Big 10+1 is terrible and everyone knows it. But, hey, Ohio State is already BCS #1 and should have an easy path to the title. Unless...wouldn't it be great to see a Big 10+1 champ that lost to App State??? Please, let this happen.

Back at the game KU started their usual ass-kicking ways and everyone on our side of the stadium got free KU flags to wave around. KU hasn't really played anybody besides K-State yet but they've just been so damn dominant that it's hard not to think the North will come down to KU-Mizzou at the end of November. They've got a really tough defense and some decent talent on offense. That combined with one of the easiest Big 12 schedules ever designed and I feel pretty good about them. However, if they suck it up at Colorado I definitely reserve the right to change my mind and attempt to hop off the bandwagon.

Right after Baylor lucked their way into a field goal KU took the opening kickoff back for a TD and there was a big blast of thunder right after he cross the goalline. We were all convinced it was fireworks but apparently the bolt of lightning hit right next to the stadium so we had another long delay. More sitting around and talking to random people around us. Finally the game got going again but right before halftime I had to leave to meet my crew.

So, my dad and uncle pick me up and we're off to Manhattan. We do some tailgating there with free beer and really amazing food from friends of theirs. Plus, I got some more free schwag in the form of the infamous POWER TOWEL! And I made sure not to forget it.

But, I do have to give the K-State crowd credit. Our seats were in one of the "old people" sections but they stood the entire game and were loud and into it. I think some of ISU's sections could take some lessons from them when it comes to that. The actual game was entertaining. KSU struggled to shut down CU's running game but got their own run game going which is something they could not do against KU last week. In a strange coincidence my second cousin happened to use her friend's grandparents tickets and sat down in front of us. In the words of my dad, "she's probably just glad she decided to go to this game sober." So true.

This kid a few rows in front of us had this awesome sign with all of these clip art images of wildcats and and purple lettering with the shadow graphics behind it. He held it up honestly pretty damn near the entire game. Kid was way hardcore.

Going into the stadium I was all about the 8:15 kickoffs just because it would be great to tailgate until it was dark and then go into the stadium. However, when I'm not leaving the stadium until after midnight and still have a couple hours until I will be in bed it wasn't quite as cool. Plus, my uncle was driving so damn slow.

He said, "yeah, this is great, I keep it set at 66 and all of these fools passing me get the tickets."
There's a pause and my dad says, "well, the speed limit's 70."

Then we stop at the gas station about 10 minutes outside of Lawrence and it's packed with people going home from the game and it takes about 20 minutes to get something to eat and hit the restrooms when I'm sitting in the car thinking there's a hundred gas stations in Lawrence open right now that could be used after I'm dropped off. But, we finally got out of there and made it home safely which is all I can ask.

All in all partying the night before followed by 2 tailgates and 2 football games (well, one and a half officially) 90 minutes apart can really take a toll on someone like me. So, on that note, I'm going to bed.

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Friday, October 12, 2007

Sunflower Doubleheader

After catching so much shit from my friends for living in a state where the in-state rivalry game is known as the "Sunflower Showdown" I have been inspired to attempt to complete the Sunflower Doubleheader. Anybody can do a cross-town doubleheader but what about a cross-state affair? Allow me to explain.

My tentative itinerary is as follows:
Friday Night: Party at Dan's followed by camping(?)
Early early Saturday morning: Wake up stiff and cold
Early Saturday morning: Start drinking..."hair of dog" and whatnot
11:30 Gametime! Baylor at Kansas
11:35 Attempt to steal Mangino's halftime hot dog stash from the locker room
2:00 Decide the game is safely in hand and head for home
2:30 Get picked up by my dad and uncle. "I'm not not drunk"
4:30 Arrive in Manhattan. Begin grilling and drinking
5:30 Attempt not to fall asleep in the back of the pickup
6:30 Hide the fact that I'm drinking most of the beer
8:15 Gametime! Colorado at Kansas State
8:30 Try to stop my uncontrollable shaking from the cold
9:45 Hypothermia check
11:15 Head for home
11:20 Pass the fuck out
1:40 Arrive in Lawrence. Say goodbye to my family
1:41 Pick up my phone, "So, you guys at the bar still? Last call yet?"
2:15 SLEEEEEEEEEEP

Hopefully I can accomplish this feat and get some good stories out of it. Plus it will give me a good excuse not to watch Iowa State get crushed by Texas on TV.

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Thursday, October 11, 2007

As if you needed another reason to avoid NASCAR

You know how if you travel abroad to some foreign land they'll tell you that you should get all of these immunizations because you're going to a place were the population might lack certain necessary hygienic amenities or behaviors or whatever? Well, apparently a NASCAR track is one of those places.
Getting a hepatitis shot is standard procedure for travelers to parts of Africa and Asia, but some congressional aides were instructed to get immunized before going to Lowe's Motor Speedway in Concord and the racetrack in Talladega, Ala.

The House Homeland Security Committee planned a fact-finding trip about public health preparedness at mass gatherings and decided to conduct the research at two of the nation's most heavily attended sporting events, NASCAR's Bank of America 500 event this weekend and the UAW-Ford 500 last weekend.

Staff who organized the trips advised the NASCAR-bound aides to get a range of vaccines before attending -- hepatitis A, hepatitis B, tetanus, diphtheria and influenza.

Unfortunately there's no vaccine against mulleted white trash with bad sunburns. Someday...

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Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Ugly Hate Machine

The wingers have the hate machine cranked up again. This time the object is a 12-year old kid and his brain damaged sister. What trespass could these kids have possibly committed? Well, they went on the radio in support of expanding a government program to insure children whose parents can't afford it.

Cartoonist Tom Tomorrow describes working on a satiric cartoon where the hate machine attacks a kid and had to rework it a week later when they actually did!
I think he puts it best, "I’ve said this before, but these are difficult times for satirists; there’s almost nothing you can think of that’s more ridiculous or appalling than the things that are really happening."
The hate machine has published their home address and stalked the family around town in an attempt to somehow prove they don't deserve these benefits. Of course all of their supposed "gotchas!" turned out to be false but why let that get in the wrong of trying to stop a program that helps WORKING FAMILIES GIVE CHILDREN MEDICAL CARE THEY CAN'T AFFORD!

Ugh, this pisses me off almost more than anything right now. We're throwing trillions away in Iraq and Bush won't even sign this bill that has support from large numbers of Republicans? Isn't it great to see what compassionate conservatism is all about?

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Vodka: Australian for Medicine

I received a tip from Aaron this morning on some great new developments in the treatment of anti-freeze overdoses.
BRISBANE, Australia - Doctors plugged an Italian tourist into a drip-feed of vodka to save him at a hospital in Australia that ran out of the medicinal alcohol it would normally have used for treatment.

The 24-year-old Italian, who was not further identified, was brought to Mackay Base Hospital in northeastern Queesland state and was diagnosed as having ingested a large quantity of ethylene glycol, a common ingredient of antifreeze that can cause renal failure.

Pure alcohol is often given in treating such cases because it can inhibit the toxic effects of ethylene glycol.

Mackay Base Hospital Dr. Pascal Gelperowicz said the man was given pharmaceutical-grade alcohol when he arrived, but that the hospital's supplies soon ran out.

"We quickly used all the available vials of 100 per cent alcohol and decided the next best way to get alcohol into the man's system was by feeding him spirits through a naso gastric tube,'' Dr. Gelperowicz said in a statement.

"The patient was drip-fed about three standard drinks an hour for three days in the intensive care unit,'' he said. "The hospital's administrators were also very understanding when we explained our reasons for buying a case of vodka.''

The patient, was believed to have ingested the poison in an attempt at self-harm, made a successful recover. The incident occurred about two months ago, though the hospital just released information on the case.

Pretty impressive stuff. Three drinks an hour for three days? This guy must have had one hell of a hangover when he woke up. It sounds like a three day binge I once went through during a spring break.

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Tuesday, October 09, 2007

They really don't give a shit

Hey, here's more evidence that the Bushies only care about a few things. Making money for their buddies is a big one but getting Republicans re-elected is another big one. One of their favorite methods for accomplishing that is making sure everyone is thinking "FEAR FEAR FEAR TERRORISTS FEAR FEAR FEAR ONLY WE CAN PROTECT YOU FEAR!"

Imagine the shock when they managed to receive the newest videotaped message from the (still not caught) Osama bin Laden before al Qaeda released it. A private intelligence company had found a link to al Qaeda that had previously yielded messages and other communications. They passed the video to the White House with one condition.
A small private intelligence company that monitors Islamic terrorist groups obtained a new Osama bin Laden video ahead of its official release last month, and around 10 a.m. on Sept. 7, it notified the Bush administration of its secret acquisition. It gave two senior officials access on the condition that the officials not reveal they had it until the al-Qaeda release. [...]

Around 10 a.m. on Sept. 7, Katz sent both Leiter and Fielding an e-mail with a link to a private SITE Web page containing the video and an English transcript. "Please understand the necessity for secrecy," Katz wrote in her e-mail. "We ask you not to distribute . . . [as] it could harm our investigations."

Well, what's the point of keeping something like that secret? The video was already on the websites of TV channels within FIVE HOURS! And who was the lucky channel? Duh...Fox News.
By midafternoon, several television news networks reported obtaining copies of the transcript. A copy posted around 3 p.m. on Fox News's Web site referred to SITE and included page markers identical to those used by the group. "This confirms that the U.S. government was responsible for the leak of this document," Katz wrote in an e-mail to Leiter at 5 p.m.

And al Qaeda closed the link. I mean, why actually do something to stop terrorism when you can use it to make a point that people should be afraid of terrorism? Why capture the man responsible for 9/11 when we can blow a lot of shit up for the TV cameras in a completely different country? Why protect the identity of a CIA operative working in the field of weapons of mass destruction when you can make it look like her husband is just out to get you for some reason? Why keep the lid on a Pakistani operation to infiltrate al Qaeda when you can brag about the efforts by giving the infiltrators name to the New York Times?

I think these idiots and assholes are the ones we need to fear.

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Monday, October 08, 2007

Gah...seriously?

I read Peter King pretty much every week. Why? Well, sometimes I'm not really sure. Like when he spends a paragraph discussing his colonoscopy or claiming that the dude on all of the FrankTV commercials is "funnier than Belushi was 30 years ago." Here's his full quote:
I could watch the Frank Caliendo stuff about a hundred more times. He's funnier today than Belushi was 30 years ago. He's even got George Bush's facial expressions down pat. I mean, they're perfect.

Now, I'm willing to cut people a little slack for not having the same sense of humor that I do. Some people love Dorf and the rest of you don't. However, you can't just go making absurd comments claiming he's better than Belushi without being challenged.

I honestly hope he's confused Jim and John Belushi. I mean, how can he not be, right? John Belushi is one of the funniest comedians ever and this Frank guy does somewhat amusing impressions of Bush, John Madden, and Jack Nicholson apparently. If you haven't been watching any of the baseball playoffs you won't have a clue what I'm talking about but here's a 9 minute video of him doing impressions and whatnot. I assume he does this for the entire video because I could only watch the first minute before I gave up. Ha! Clinton could lie and Bush can't! Look, he even did the Clinton thumb thing and squinted just like Bush does!

This is the guy that's funnier than Belushi? Come on, King, you can do better than that, right?

Personally, I agree with this YouTube vlogger. In fact, I think he's probably funnier than Frank Caliendo. My favorite part is when he referred to the nonstop promotion of this show as "incestuous." Classic.

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Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Ha, Germans have hygiene problems


Of course the English mocking them for it is a little ironic.

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