Thursday, January 31, 2008

My run-in with the future

I stopped by the grocery store this morning and picked up a few necessary items. Bread, fruit, cereal...not really important. I head to the checkout counter right when the employee leaves his post to go chat with the girl behind the customer service desk. "No biggie," I thought, "I'll just set all of my items on the belt and he'll see me by then and come back."

Well, as I'm putting my last item on the belt I wonder if I'm actually going to have to yell at this dude but right then he came back with the girl. As he's scanning my card I notice that his nametag says "K-ARL Serving you since 2322".

Wow, I'm being helped by someone from the future....and he took er jooobs!

He's telling the girl, "Yeah, it's actually a derivative of the archaic name 'Karl' but it's pronounced 'Kay Arel'."
She says, "so, you never told me, what's the future like?"
"Oh, man, it sucks."
"It's no good?"
"No! It's terrible! Why do you think I came here? To work in a grocery store no less!?!?"

Good point. So, if you're wondering, the future blows and the style is poor attempts at growing beards and being overweight.

Larry Johnson, Career Counselor?

If the whole football thing doesn't work out for Larry Johnson (and unless he starts rushing for more than 2 yards per carry it's not going to work out beyond the ridiculously huge contract the Chiefs gave him) I think he could have a good shot at a job as a career counselor. Or at least according to this reporter at the Super Bowl.
ME: Seriously, man, how much was that watch?
LJ: About 300?
ME: Dollars?
LJ: Thousand. They only made three of them in the world.
ME: $300,000? I'd have to spend 10 years worth of pay to buy that.
LJ: Or you could deal crack and get it in three weeks.

Nice. I never thought about it like that. Why am I wasting my time in college for 10 years when I could sell crack and make that $300,000 in three weeks.

Actually, I'm not exactly sure Larry has his numbers right but whatever. It's nice to see he is saving up his money though. I mean, $300K for a watch? That's almost as much as his $350,000 Maybach car that must be driven by a chauffeur at all times.

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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

What the hell's a rant?

I'm not sure it's possible for me to have any more disdain than I do for people who wear shorts on the coldest days of the year. You know, the days where the wind is howling the temperature is struggling to get into double digits? You're struggling just to breathe and there's this tool wearing shorts (usually jean shorts for some reason).

What exactly are you trying to prove? Your legs produce so much heat that even on this bitterly cold day you get hot wearing long pants? Really? Are we supposed to be so impressed by your toughness? I guess I remember in grade school I would be jealous of the kids whose parents would let them wear shorts even when it was only about 40 degrees. They'd be standing there shivering their ass off at recess and I'd think, "damn, they look cool." But, in about 6th grade I realized that they were dipshits and who would actually wear that on purpose? Apparently you never got the memo that everyone is laughing at you now. Put some damn clothes on.

On a sidenote, are you feeling like you need a little motivation? Winter keeping you down? Well, let these Aussies get you fired up. Oh, and, umm, if you're at work I wouldn't recommend watching this unless you want to get fired but the story he tells at about 0:40 made me laugh. "She come in 10th or 20th or something but that's not important. The poor bitch was fuckin' runnin'..."

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Friday, January 25, 2008

The Bush Legacy

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Unleashing the lawyers

I heard some people on the radio talking about www.missouritigers.com/ and thought it was a pretty good story.

Apparently, in 2001, a Mizzou fan saw that the missouritigers.com domain name had lapsed so he picked it up. He exchanged a couple of emails with the athletic department about how he wanted to give it to them and only asked they give him the money he payed to register the site. His only motivation was to make sure it didn't fall in the wrong hands. Well, the university never got back to him about it so he started using it as a personal blog where he wrote a lot about Mizzou.

Cut to 7 years later when the university threatens to sue him if he doesn't get rid of the site. This act of intimidation pissed him off so now he's refusing to get rid of the site because their legal arguments are ridiculous. In response he has offered his own list of demands that must be met in order for him to surrender the site.
# Every February 5th is Iam4Mizzou Day at the University of Missouri. This will be recognized officially and an email will be sent out from the chancellor's office wishing everyone Happy Iam4Mizzou Day with adequate enthusiasm. When asked about the meaning of this day, officials are to defensively respond "no comment" and change the subject.

# New president Gary Forsee will use the word "thunderdome" in his next press conference in a confusing, inappropriate way.

# The three university amigos cc'd on the cease and desist letter will be photographed together wearing missouritigers.com Kitty logo shirts. I said Kitty™ logo All Rights Reserved Property of ME.

# I get to take a half court shot at a men's basketball game for absolutely no reason.

# I get to drive the Mizzou helmet car through campus recklessly and will run over a variety of bushes in a wanton fashion.

# I will get a gold star with Iam4Mizzou on it on a bathroom stall at Faurot.

Heh, that all seems fairly reasonable. I support him in his quest.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Stars come out in Kansas

I was at the KU-OU game last night and apparently that was the place to be seen.

During the first timeout they showed Scott Van Pelt, Neil Everett, and Sean Salisbury sitting at midcourt about 4 rows up. During halftime they walked around the lower part of the arena soaking in the love or whatever. Either Everett was short or Van Pelt was really tall. Salisbury looked kind of fat and was wearing a shirt that said "Cancer Blows" in big letters.

Then during the "Smile Cam" they showed George Brett and everyone cheered. He looked up and saw himself on the bigscreen and immediately sat down. Rachel was like "who is that asshole? What's his problem?"
I said, "whoa, that's George Brett. Show a little respect."
Then he sprinted out onto the court like a madman.

Also in attendance was Kevin Pritchard, former KU guard from my childhood and current Trailblazers GM, and Jerry Moran, a Republican congressman from Kansas. He got the most lukewarm applause and none from me.

The most amusing/annoying part of the evening was the typical interaction with any of the ushers. We had these at ISU as well. The type of usher that just lives to make people go out of their way to either show their ticket or do something. Anyway, we get inside and notice that almost all of the seats are full again. So, we're looking around trying to find a place to squeeze in and he comes over and asks something like can I help you find your seats? We kind of mumble something about "not really we're just looking for some seats."
Bearded guy: "Where are they?"
Still looking at the seats trying to ignore him Rachel says: "They're student seats."
Bearded Guy: "GA seats"
Rachel: "Uhh, yeah"
Guy: "OK, those are the top section, any of the blue seats over there."
Me: "No, we have student seats. Regular student seats."
Guy: "You'd better get your stories straight."
Me: "Umm, what? There's no story to get straight, we have regular student seats."
Guy: "She said you had GA seats."
Me: "I know that's what she said but she meant student seats. We thought they were all the same things. See, here's my student ID."
Guy makes me pull it out all the way and looks at it and my face then makes Rachel do the same thing. Give me a break.
"OK, just try to to find a seat anywhere in this red section."
Yeah, no shit, that's what we were trying to do.

We spent the rest of the game watching him stroke his beard with a napkin (disgusting) and hassle people over minor issues.
"No stepping over the railing!"
"Go all the way out and use those stairs."
"Let me see your ticket."
"You need to move down into that section."
At one point there was a guy standing by the railing waiting for someone and he actually made him move so he could stand there for a split second before he moved down about five feet.

Jeez, man, get a life.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Newsie News

A couple of items caught my eye this morning. First a couple of Kansas items.

First, from the town of Wilson, KS, the self-proclaimed "Czech Capital of Kansas", comes the story of a fired police chief. His crime? Stealing beer from the fridge of the Fire Department next door.

From what I've heard it really shouldn't be surprising that Wilson police and fire departments are drunk off their ass all the time. But, come on, where's the brotherhood? You can't be the real heroes if you're stealing from each other!

In the KC area police discovered that there were arrest warrants out for a woman that had run out of gas. They were taking the woman into custody when she asked to use the restroom. In a scene out of the movies she ran out the back door and crawled into a 600 foot pipe. She managed to make it under eight lanes of I-435 before getting stuck when the pipe turned 90 degrees upwards. I'm sure being rescued by the fire department would have been really embarrassing for her except she had long since passed out from hypothermia.

This woman crawled to her (almost) freedom through 500 yards of shit-smelling foulness I can't even imagine, Or maybe I just don't want to.[/Morgan Freeman]

And from the Weekend at Bernie's Department two New York men wheeled their dead friend to the check cashing store in an attempt to get his Social Security money.
"The witnesses saw the two pushing the chair with Cintron flopping from side to side and the two individuals propping him up and keeping him from flopping from side to side," Browne said.

The men left Cintron's body outside the store, went inside and tried to cash his $355 check, Browne said. The store's clerk, who knew Cintron, asked the men where he was, and O'Hare told the clerk they would go and get him, Browne said.

What, no string tied to his hand to make him wave? Plus, they couldn't even spring for a wheelchair, they had to use an office chair!

"Oh, him? He's just being quiet today and asked us to push him around in this office chair all day? No reason. Why no, I don't think he looks kind of stiff today."

An officer dining at a nearby cafe noticed a crowd gathering around the body and called in backup that arrived just as the men were wheeling the dead man inside. Another Perfect Crime foiled...

Saturday, January 05, 2008

Celebrity endorsements

It was kind of strange seeing Chuck Norris lurking behind Huckabee during his speech after the caucus mostly because I kept expecting him to start spin kicking criminals and such.

Anyway, John McCain decided he needed some star power of his own to balance things out so he brought out...Wilford Brimley?

Who are the ad wizards that came up with this one? Is Brimley the only man that can actually make McCain seem young? Doubtful. Maybe they just want to reminisce about McCain's first campaign when he lost the nomination to a younger, hipper candidate by the name of Warren Gamaliel Harding. And now you know...the rest...of the story.

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Friday, January 04, 2008

Winners all around

A few quick thoughts on last night.

KU as Orange Bowl champs is pretty bizarre but they were a really really good team and were one poor game against Mizzou from a deserved shot at a national title. If LSU beats OSU than KU will be tied with Hawaii for the best record in the nation.

The Big 12 is going to be scary next year. KU, Mizzou, Texas, and OU will all potentially start in the top 10. Iowa State? Well, KU and Mizzou come to Jack Trice. #1 stunnas?

So, was the producer of last night's game a band dork or something? I've never seen so many shots of the bands in my life. I mean, they were cutting to the band after every single play. It was happening so often they were actually missing some of the game just so we could get a nice view of that VT drummer or the fat tuba players. Then there was that giant bald guy standing in front of the band that was shown approximately 137 times. I guess those were his 15 minutes of fame.

How about Mangino cock blocking the Gatorade bath? Yeah, it's way overdone and deserves to disappear in my opinion but most coaches just go along with it. Swany told me he thought it was to prevent a heart attack which is a good point. No one wants their coach dropping dead right after the biggest win in school history.

Obama won the caucus last night. I was an Edwards guy but Obama was making a push for my support recently so I'm pretty happy. Even after finishing 3rd Hillary is far from done and Iowa and New Hampshire was basically going to eliminate either Obama or Edwards as the "anti-Hillary." I think Edwards will have a tough time getting back into the race so there's a good chance I will be supporting Obama at the Kansas caucus in February.

Big props to Iowa Democrats for turning out en masse. They crushed the previous record with something like 236,000 compared to about 115,000 on the Republican side, which was a pretty good number itself. It shows that people are excited about these candidates and is a good sign for the real deal in '08. Obama destroyed the rest in bringing in first timers and previous independent voters. That's kind of cool considering Iowa is about 92% white and rural, groups that weren't supposed to identify with Obama. Voters under 30 tripled from 2004 and also went heavily for Obama. The conventional wisdom is that people become more conservative as they get older, and to some degree this is true. However, studies show that the best predictor of a political leaning later in life is the identity voters develop in their first few elections. This is a good sign.

Consider what happens when you add all of the votes together:
24.5% Obama
20.5% Edwards
19.8% Clinton
11.4% Huckabee (R)

Speaking of the Republicans the Huckster "won" too! Yaawn. Somehow the media is trying to turn McCain's 4th place finish into a positive which is amusing. The conservative elites are going to unleash everything they have against the Huckster over the next few weeks and he might struggle to survive. My predictions (which were spectacularly wrong in our lab's pool) are for Romney, McCain, Huckster finish in NH. Giuliani will keep saying that nothing matters until Florida or New York or some other state that he won't win anyway.

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Thursday, January 03, 2008

Hyperbole at its finest

I know I already made a political post but this was too good to pass up.

In his latest TV ad Mitt Romney claims "In the next ten years, we'll see more progress, more change than the world has seen in the last ten centuries."
Wait...say that again.
"In the next ten years, we'll see more progress, more change than the world has seen in the last ten centuries."
Hahahahahahahahaha. Umm, ok.

Slate puts it much better than I could:
You read that correctly. The next ten years will run roughshod over the Enlightenment, the French Revolution, the formation of American democracy, the printing press, interchangeable parts, division of labor, the end of slavery, nuclear technology, antiseptics, the theory of gravity, the theory of relativity, the rise of communism, two world wars, universal suffrage, landing on the moon, and the Internet.

Even if you only consider one century it's completely laughable. Cars, computers, the internet, the moon landing, two world wars, the nuclear age, DNA, genes, etc. Things are going to change a lot in the next year but give me a break.

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Iowa's moment to shine

Well, the Iowa Caucuses are finally here. It seems like this campaign has been going on forever and now slightly more than 100,000 people will have a exert their undue influence over who becomes our next president. Not that this is all that unusual when you consider that the 2000 election hinged on less than a few thousand in one state or another. After tonight Iowa fades back into obscurity so enjoy it while it lasts! Anyway, here are a few related links you may find interesting.

Here's Rudy's final message. I can sum it up as "FEAR FEAR FEAR MUSLIMS FEAR TERRORISTS FEAR FEAR FEAR STRONG LEADER" Give me a break. Fascist.

A friend of mine from Iowa was quoted on the front page of the New York Times about how unfair it is that he can't vote because he's in Afghanistan. He's one of the most politically knowledgeable people I know so that kind of sucks for him. Plus I know he'd pick a good candidate even if we did argue about voting for Nader vs. Gore back in the day.

Romney loves Bush. "We love what they’ve done for us, and we also love a president who has kept us safe these last six years."
I guess he's aiming for that third of the country that still approves of Bush. Good luck winning a general election with that attitude.

After all of the hype Fred Thompson campaign laid a giant turd. He only went to one campaign event on New Year's Day and doesn't have any money to advertise. Yaaawn. Don't wake grandpa up, kids.

Huckabee has made a charge in Iowa but the knives are out from the Republican establishment. They like their religious nuts kept behind the curtain and not in full view. He may do well in Iowa (I think he'll win with Romney close and McCain surprising a little bit) but I don't see any way he wins the nomination. He's seemed pretty clueless as the frontrunner, such as when he made a big deal about making a negative ad but choosing not to show it on TV. Instead he just showed it to the reporters and spent the next two days going on every TV show to say what the ad said but reminding everyone that he was too nice to run it. Umm, ok.

Have I ripped on McCain yet? He's old but I think he might win the nomination. However, I think it's going to be a knockout drag out fight that might not be settled until the Twin Cities this summer. That would be fun to watch as the different factions went for each other's throat. Please let this happen.

The Democrats? I would be happy with any of them but happier with Edwards or Obama. I'm not sure how that one is going to shake out but a lot will depend on how things work out tonight and how the media spins it going into NH and beyond. My guess is that whoever does well in these first few will have the support of the party sooner rather than later. The reason for this is that I think most Democrats feel pretty good about all of their candidates while the Republicans are choosing the least smelly turd of the bunch. It should still be a 2 person race when it comes to Kansas in February but I don't think it goes much beyond that.

Either way it's going to be a fun night following that and , of course, KU in the Orange Bowl.

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