Thursday, August 14, 2008

Yolympics

Gymnast Alicia Sacramone knocks a dude the fuck out. I liked her because she must be pretty smart as she goes to Brown and she's actually 20 so you don't feel like Chris Hanson is going to pop out of your bedroom any second just for watching. "Why don't you have a seat..."

Shawn Johnson is pretty cool too since she's from Iowa and since I spent a few years there I'm definitely allowed to jump on that bandwagon. And as everyone knows if there's anything Iowans love it's a hometown bandwagon.

I'm a huge fan of the controversy over the Chinese using 13 year olds on their Olympic team. Personally, I think they should have an exemption just because it's different over there. Hell, that's practically mandatory retirement age at the sweatshops!

Bela has to be the most unintentionally humorous analyst since Emmit Smith. He's up there ranting and raving in his thick accent about losing baby teeth and grand conspiracies against the US. Maybe if they didn't fall all the time they would have won. Anyone consider that? I actually heard people make the claim that the Chinese gymnasts are too young to understand the pressure. Umm, what? Isn't that the exact opposite of every argument ever made about pressure and younger athletes? Besides, performing in front of your home nation of a billion people and a government that wouldn't let any of their athletes retire before these games and will probably ship your family off to the reeducation camps if you choke might be a little more pressure. But, whatever.

So, I've watched a couple of nights of swimming and I'm pretty sure they've broken the world record in 95% of the races. Granted Michael Phelps is a beast and has most of those but when they're talking about someone cruising through a semifinal to save energy and they still crush the record? Well, those new suits must be pretty badass. Plus, they were partially created in an Iowa State lab so there's another bandwagon! I like how they pose that guy in front of the crappy pool in Forker after they cut men's swimming and have a terrible women's team (I think, who really follows swimming?). How about tossing a few of those wonder suits this way?

There have been a lot of dumb controversies in this game. Like the girl that actually sang the song at the opening ceremonies was lip syncing while the girl that wasn't as cute sang offstage. That led to every news reporter showing a picture of the girl while saying some variation of "not cute enough." Damn, that's going to hurt the old self-esteem. I think I'd rather nobody knew. To be honest, the girl they showed was cuter but it's not like the actual singer was a monster or anything. Pretty lame, China.

Anybody see the weightlifter turn his elbow inside out? It looks pretty gross and then you realize that what looks the bony part of his elbow is actually supposed to be his arm and then you just want to throw up. It reminds me of that SNL sketch with the All-Drug Olympics. Kevin Nealon's commentary at the end is perfect. Those guys love a good disappointment where they can shove a camera three inches from the person's face while they realize that years of incredibly hard work won't be paying off in the form of a medal. Too bad...nowhere to cry in private here. Let America bathe in your tears...

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