Friday, October 31, 2008

The Onion predicts the future once again

Some great Onion headlines from the past:
From 1993: Uneducated Forklift Operator to Address Nation on Rush Limbaugh Show: Nation Eagerly Awaits Ohio Man's Profound Insights into Current Events
Hmm, Joe the Plumber? Hey, where is that guy anyway? Oops...uhh, nice save, I guess.

From 2001: Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity Is Finally Over'
Wow...nailed it!
WASHINGTON, DC–Mere days from assuming the presidency and closing the door on eight years of Bill Clinton, president-elect George W. Bush assured the nation in a televised address Tuesday that "our long national nightmare of peace and prosperity is finally over."

"My fellow Americans," Bush said, "at long last, we have reached the end of the dark period in American history that will come to be known as the Clinton Era, eight long years characterized by unprecedented economic expansion, a sharp decrease in crime, and sustained peace overseas. The time has come to put all of that behind us."

Bush swore to do "everything in [his] power" to undo the damage wrought by Clinton's two terms in office, including selling off the national parks to developers, going into massive debt to develop expensive and impractical weapons technologies, and passing sweeping budget cuts that drive the mentally ill out of hospitals and onto the street.

During the 40-minute speech, Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years.

"You better believe we're going to mix it up with somebody at some point during my administration," said Bush, who plans a 250 percent boost in military spending. "Unlike my predecessor, I am fully committed to putting soldiers in battle situations. Otherwise, what is the point of even having a military?"

On the economic side, Bush vowed to bring back economic stagnation by implementing substantial tax cuts, which would lead to a recession, which would necessitate a tax hike, which would lead to a drop in consumer spending, which would lead to layoffs, which would deepen the recession even further.

Then there was this report about whether Obama was too fit to be elected president. Six months later this headline appeared in the Wall Street Journal: "Is Obama Too Physically Fit to Be President?"

Umm, random sidenote but, after hearing the news that Miller-Coors is discontinuing Zima, I've undertaken an effort to corner the market by buying it all up and then reselling it at exorbitant rates to whoever the hell drinks that stuff. It's gotta be addictive or something, right? So, if you wanna help me out or just get one last Zima for the road you'd better hurry up.

I'm not exactly sure why but I freaking love this video. It's definitely been in my head a lot but those kids are wrong, you can't vote for whoever you like, only Obama. I'm also digging the dorky token white kid that can't dance in the back. Ha, racial stereotype confirmed!
"I want Obama!"
"Forget Obama!"
"I said with McCain you gonna have some drama!"

I'm also not sure what the point of this video is but I think it's something about not riding your bike to the polls.

Anyway, that's enough videos for today. Hope you tear shit up tonight on Halloween.


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