Tuesday, March 31, 2009

It's like a Snuggie but for babies

Sunday, March 29, 2009

You know what else the ShamWow is great for?

Cleaning up the blood after a hooker almost bites your tongue off. Not sure we'll be seeing that one in the next infomercial though...

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Perfect cows for the perfect race

A company called CyClone Dairy (classy name, by the way) has been advertising on the internets lately in an effort to roll out their milk products from cloned cows under the slogan "Perfect Cows. Perfect Milk."

I decided to check out their website and have to say they convinced me. The first thing I noticed is the perfect Aryan family having a nice family picnic in what must be southern Germany or something. I mean, this picture has to be lifted straight out of the Goebbels handbook or something. Maybe it's just me but with all of the "perfect" and "wholesome" talk these lily-white blond-haird blue-eyed good looking folks are kind of creeping me out. Except for that mom. A little too much dark hair, no? Suspicious.

Then there's the "About us" section that features a good-looking blond scientist making a brilliant discovery of some sort of atomic model. Off to the side hot blond shopper Joanne has this to say, "Knowing that CyClone Dairy comes from only perfect cows makes me feel good. Thank you, CyClone Dairy."
You're welcome, hot blond shopper.

"Why Cloning?"
Apparently so good-looking blond women pregnant with the future of the Aryan race will have strong, good-looking, and most importantly, blond offspring.

Hm, all this science talk is kind of boring me. Let's have some "Fun Facts on Cloning."
1. A cow produces almost 10 gallons of milk per day – that’s 160 cups!
2. Every cell in an animal contains DNA – a molecular “secret code” describing everything about that animal!
3. DNA is organized in bundles called chromosomes. Humans have 46 chromosomes. Cows have 60!
4. A cloned animal has the exact same DNA as the original animal. It’s like creating an identical twin – only born years later!
5. Cows have four stomachs!
6. You can lead a cow up a flight of stairs, but not back down – its knees can’t bend that way!
WOW! That's amazing, CyClone Dairy!

"Clones in Food"
Here they assure us that this is all very legal. The center picture features (blond!) cows in an idyllic pasture while the offset picture has, hmm, an east Asian man? Well, he's not the perfect race but he does agree that it's the perfect way to start your day. I guess we can make a temporary alliance.

"FAQ" featuring another blond kid
I don't know, something seems unethical about this...
Are there any ethical issues about cloning?

Oh. Well, glad we settled that issue.

CyClone Dairy. The perfect milk for the perfect race.

Now I really am in the ghetto

Apparently there was a drive-by a block from my apartment last night.

I was sound asleep and missed all of the gunfire but couldn't figure out what the hell all those sirens were doing and why the cops were flying through my intersection. Hey, you gotta be hard when you're living in the ghetto and you can't just be standing in front of the frattiest bar in town at 2 in the morning.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Should I go?

The Electrical and Computer Engineering Department from ISU sent me an invitation to their Centennial Gala and Awards Ceremony. To entice me to come they are advertising a "nationally-known Electrical Engineer turned comedian" who is "the only comedian to use PowerPoint, references “Avagadro’s Number” and “DRAM,” and beta tests all his jokes." What? No Excel spreadsheet jokes? He was also 1993 Star Search Grand Champion. Suck it, Sinbad.

I'm sure he's pretty funny and will probably kill in a setting of slightly socially awkward engineers but I don't think I'll be making the trip for this one.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


These clips of the audio version of Bill O'Reilley's work of fiction, "Those Who Trespass", might be one of the best (worst) things I've ever heard in my life.

I'm actually stunned that these exist on so many different levels. First, he actually wrote this shit? Some of these quotes are laughably bad. Second, can you imagine actually listening to an entire book like this as he reads it to you? What's with the inflections when he says, "Off with those...pants"? "Say, baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe...up." That just sounds like he's reading one of his lame ass talking points or whatever he calls them.

I can't get past the fact that Papa Bear is reading these dirty, dirty lines to me. And he wishes he were a lesbian!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Busy week

Between all of the basketball and music I've had a pretty busy week of socializing. Since it's my blog and I've got a slight buzz I'll go ahead and recount some of the highlights.

Tuesday I went to see the Blitzen Trapper at the Jackpot which is a smallish bar and definitely a smaller venue than I would have expected them to play, probably 200 or so people there. It was pretty much packed and they definitely didn't disappoint. Furr is obviously a great song but two of the high points were Black River Killer and Big Black Bird. It was pretty much a perfect night expect for one group of assholes.

The girl that opened the show told a story about how the first time she played Lawrence was also the first time she ever heard cicadas and this moron started screaming about how "they're called locusts. Is there a biologist here? You can tell you're from the city." Everyone around him looked appropriately mortified as his friend decided to contribute by yelling "I just call 'em critters" in the most stereotypical Kansas drawl possible. Their friend was left to meekly say, "I call them cicadas and I've lived here my whole life." Well, yeah, no shit, because that's what they are.

So, I decided I didn't want to stand next to these assholes for BT and moved to the other side only to find that two of their friends had followed me there and proceeded to talk loudly through the entire first half of their set. Finally some girls in front of them told them to shut up leading to a confrontation where these girls were somehow really offended that everyone around them didn't want to hear their inane banter in addition to the music. Fortunately they just bitched about it for a few minutes before finally shutting the hell up.

Anyway, I talked to my sister, who had seen them play in the Twin Cities, about how great it was that they were always bringing in new instruments to play. Lots of different percussion and whistles, etc. I wonder if it's a coincidence that two of my other favorite concerts of the last few years also involved lots of band members playing lots of difference instruments (Decemberists, Arcade Fire).

Wednesday was the ISU-Okie State game which was pretty much the standard story. Craig Brackins absolutely dominated and the rest of the team was way below par. I could write thousands of words about my frustrations with the state of ISU's basketball program but not now. I wasn't a fan of GMac from the time he was hired but I realize we're going to have to stick with him for a while and maybe a little stability the only way they can dig themselves out of this hole.

Thursday I listened to the first half of KU-Baylor in the lab and then took my lunch break in the Union so I could watch it on TV but I don't think I was missing much. They looked like total ass. It's kind of bizarre to me the parallels that can be drawn between the '09 KU team and the '01 ISU team. Both teams were only as good as their point guard (Tinsley and Collins). Both teams weren't expected to win the conference due to their losses from the year before (Fizer/Nurse and almost all of KU's '08 team). The teams finished the year with a blowout loss in Texas, a less-than-inspiring home win to clinch the outright title, and a first round loss to Baylor in the conference tourney. Now, ISU continued to struggle with a loss to a 15 seed. What will KU do? I'd be surprised if that happened but I think they have too many question marks for a deep run in the tourney. All year they've either blown big leads or fallen way behind which is exactly the type of thing that will bite you in the ass in the tourney. Of course if Collins gets hot they could easily prove me wrong but I still think Elite 8 is their ceiling (which would still be a hell of an accomplishment with this young team).

Tonight I ended up with a free ticket to go see the Get Up Kids reunion show in their hometown. Some of my friends from high school were up here to see it and someone just stuck an extra ticket to the door so they picked it up and gave me a call. I enjoyed the show a lot but felt bad because 90% of the crowd was singing along to every word and, at best, I kinda recognized some of the songs from my early days in the dorms playing video games to what we called "Paul Music." They did put on a good show and the crowd was definitely feeling it so it was a good time.

It appears the good times won't stop as I've got a trip to Illinoise planned and a lot of basketball to be watched. Stay tuned...

Friday, March 13, 2009

I'm so confused

I really enjoyed this story about a convenience store that is spending $3 million to move their store 100 feet from the Kansas side of KC to the Missouri side. Apparently the store is split by the state line but slightly more resides on the Kansas side which means only 3.2% beer along with higher cig and gas taxes. The store thinks that over the long haul it can make up the difference with higher sales while Kansas stands to lose over a million a year in tax revenue.

The idea of someone spending millions to move to Missouri of all places kind of boggles my mind but I will agree that Kansas has some absolutely ridiculous liquor laws. It would be great if Kansas changed all of those laws in a bid to keep this store.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Life getting in the way of blogging

Well, that same damn John Brown poster has been at the top of my page all week when I totally meant to do all kinds of blogging. There's actually been a lot I want to talk about but I guess I've been too busy working, drinking beer, and watching sports to actually do any of it. I'll try to catch up this weekend but we'll see what happens.

First, I experienced the weirdest thing ever at the Replay last weekend, which, if you've ever been there is saying something. It's the type of place where I've seen homeless guys that can't walk get kicked out repeatedly, a guy with train cars tattooed across the front of his neck, a band wearing 18th century pirate shirts dump buckets of fake (?) blood over themselves, 40 year olds making out in front of everybody, dirty little hippy kids running around barefoot across the cig butts and decades of filth, a fake prom fundraiser with "Footloose" running on a loop in the background, and more! So, what would be weirder than all of that?

We were enjoying a nice beer while watching some movie featuring Chevy Chase and a large cast of midgets followed by Kurt Russell kicking ass in "Big Trouble in Little China" on the TV while waiting for some band from Omaha to play. Apparently the band is one of the side projects of the guitarist from the Faint but I'd never heard of them. We'd had great weather all week but it suddenly turned cold and snowed so most people didn't feel like going out which led to a pretty sparse crowd. Then, the opening band was basically a jam band cover band full of balding middle-aged guys. It's exactly the type of band you'd see playing at any number of small town festivals and you know exactly what you're going to get. The musicians are going to be pretty decent and they'll put on a decent show but it's not going to be anything better than that. At one point the drunk girl in front of me yelled "Freebird!" and one of the guitarist ripped on her for about thirty seconds to the point that the other band members were trying to get this dude to back off a little bit. I'm thinking, dude, you're in your upper 30's and playing in a cover band. Your cred isn't going to be ruined when somebody yells "Freebird!"

So, meanwhile this dude from the Faint is sitting in the back of the room staring at his laptop probably wondering what the fuck he is doing going on after these guys. All of the sudden I see two dudes wearing sweaters with collared shirts on walk by. The sight was so jarring that it took me a moment to process it. They immediately go up to the bartender and order a Budweiser and some shot. Like 90% of the people in this bar are adhering strictly to the hipster beers so the bartender looked a little confused along with the rest of the regulars in the bar. Everyone's kind of looking around as they realize that more and more of these dudes and a couple of girls are coming in and all ordering a beer and a shot. One of them comes up to me and asks if this is a Dead coverband. Umm, they're a cover band but not just Dead, I tell him and he reports that info back to his "brahs."

Pretty soon some chicks are bitching because their vodka-waters aren't here yet and the entire bar is overrun with frat dudes. Then, suddenly, they're whipping out pieces of paper, marking off the bar and whatever drinks they had, and they're gone. Were they ever really there? We'll never know. All I know is that the bartender gave the lesbians next to me a free vodka-water and we discussed whether this was some type of flash mob or something.

So, the band headlining band takes the stage to a crowd of, well, tens of people. They start ripping through their songs with little to no interaction with the crowd. At one point some girl yells "go Huskers!" I guess because the band was from Omaha? The lead singer looks at her with scorn and says wearily, "I don't even care about that stuff."
The drummer meekly piped up, "I do."
Lead singer gruffly says, "Two more songs."
One song later they were walking off the stage. Wow, thanks for coming guys.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Sign at Kansas-Missouri game


You might not get the reference if you're not a native Kansan but it's a take on a giant mural in the Kansas capitol building portraying Bleeding Kansas and noted abolitionist John Brown. John Brown was famous for his fiery rhetoric, using swords to hack up five pro-slavery settlers in response to the burning of Lawrence, and eventually dying in an attempt to seize the federal armory in order to provide arms for a slave rebellion. He's what some might call a bit of a fanatic but he was our fanatic so we appreciate him.