Tuesday, December 22, 2009

False alarm, God didn't kill James Inhofe

Check out this crazy who called into CSPAN in tears (video here) because his local teabagger group had been praying that Senator Byrd would die before the health care vote. He wasn't crying because Byrd had died or anything but because he noticed that Republican Senator Inhofe had missed the vote and they were worried God had double-crossed them and killed the wrong guy or something. The man then accuses the Republican Senator from Wyoming for not praying hard enough to kill Byrd.

You mean God isn't into killing Senators to prevent a vote that in order to make sure that millions of people are still left without access to health care? What kind of God is that? Doesn't he know they're praying for this?

Unfortunately I don't think this will even make This Modern World's yearly multi-part wrapup of the year in wingnut insanity.

Friday, December 18, 2009

And for the Lost fans

Art inspired by Lost. Yeeeeah. I've got admit there's actually some really cool stuff here. Stuff like the "Lost Showdowns" set was fun to go through to come up with the content they were depicting and other stuff was just badass art.

Marmaduke is an asshole teenager

I'm not sure that I hate anything quite like I hate the comic strip Marmaduke. It's like, here's this dog and he's a total asshole and no one does anything about it except try to make audible observations about exactly how he's being an asshole or explain exactly why he's being an asshole in some which usually boils down to he's acting like an entirely inconsiderate human would. And it's not even funny and the dad looks like Hitler. Maybe I'd enjoy it more as a biting satire of modern culture that asks who the real tyrants are by using an alternate history where instead of attempting to exterminate the Jews and take over Europe Hitler got an asshole dog. I may be on to something here.

Anyway, for some reason this comic continues to exist and they even decided to turn it into a live-action movie because...well, the Garfield movie made so much money, I guess? Certainly not because people other than morons find the strip funny (no offense to any Marmaduke lovers that might be reading this, of course. You just have a really shitty sense of humor). Morons do love to spend money on movies like this.

So, USA Today, continuing their great investigative journalistic tradition (and by investigative journalism I mean celebrity puff pieces), ran a piece on this upcoming flick and let me tell you it sounds fucking fantastic.
"We've approached the movie like a John Hughes movie with dogs," Dey says. "The dog park is like high school for dogs. To make this kind of movie, you really have to understand that it is the dog's world and we just live in it."

The kinds of rich characterizations Hughes embodied in teenage stars such as Matthew Broderick in Ferris Bueller's Day Off translate to the Marmaduke story lines, Dey says, including one theme about "the vulnerabilities" of Marmaduke.

"Marmaduke is a teenager, and he's trying to find his way in the world," Dey says. "It's a boy-meets-girl story, a coming-of-age and cautionary tale. My job as director is to try to place the audience inside this world."
Yes, I'm sure the rich characterizations translate great into a story about an asshole dog.
Dey asked the trainers to get the dogs to do tricks few other dogs, and certainly no other Great Danes, have done before in movies. Mike Alexander is the top trainer of Marmaduke, whose family moves from the Midwest to Orange County, Calif., where a favorite pastime is surfing.

"I asked him if he could teach the dog to surf," Dey says. "Mike said he didn't know if he could even get the dog in the water. The Danes he's worked with in the past have not wanted to go into the water."

So a plot point is Marmaduke, who hates water, being forced to enter a surf competition to save face for his owner.
ZOMG! A surfing dog?!?! That certainly doesn't sound like any trick I'VE ever seen a Great Dane perform! And yet "Avatar" is getting all the credit as the groundbreaking movie of the year? I don't get it!
"Mike started to work with him," Dey says. "I was amazed. I actually went out with him when he was training him in the water. I saw him get on a wave and ride. That was unbelievable. I don't think anyone's seen a Great Dane surf before."
*shaking head* I never thought I'd live to see the day. What a world we live in.
In one session in which Marmaduke, played by the Great Dane George, is doing promotional shots for the film, the trainers stick small bits of peanut butter around the inside of a commode he's supposed to drink from. No problem. It works well! He trots right over to the commode, and he doesn't mind doing this trick several times until he gets it right.
Uhh, no comment on this one. Yikes.

So, I, for one, can't wait. Just your typical John Hughes movie where the protagonist has to win a surfing contest to win back respect. Sounds like a can't miss film.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Oral Roberts? Is that anything like Anal Johnson?

Remember when the guys that did Super Troopers followed it up with Club Dread and we all went to see it and it was really lame? Yeah, that dumb line is pretty much the only thing I remember from that movie and only because I once knew a guy a few years ago who said it all the time for basically no reason at all.

Anyway, the real Oral Roberts is dead and the guys at Terrace Agenda dug up this hilarious clip of Oral laying down some sexual knowledge. Absolutely classic stuff. It's amazing how he can find new ways to pronounce "orifices" and "anus" but can't quite bring himself to say "penis."

I feel like while I'm on the topic of evangelical Christians I should mention the jackass sitting next to me at the coffee shop tonight. I was trying to get some grading done but it was nearly impossible because I had to keep listening to what this dude was saying.

They appeared to be a typical hipster couple you'd expect to be sitting in Henry's talking about literature or whatever but it didn't take long to figure out that the guy was kind of a moron. He was discussing his writing class and how this one guy kept writing about this mundane things and he couldn't stand it but "the professor kept saying how good this guy was at taking mundane things and making them interesting and important. I don't know, that's just not for me. For me the point of being a writer is to make things interesting." Uhh, I have no idea what that means.

When the talk turned to movies he told this girl about the "totally awesome" movie trailer he saw that day where apparently Denzel Washington is in possession of the last Bible on Earth and everyone is trying to get it and he has to defend it with a sword. I know nothing about this other than that's basically the description he gave but, seriously? Is that real?

Then they started talking about how they're both into being Christians and the talk turns to volunteering for something and how this guy wants to go into "Teach for America." So, for some reason I feel like Teach for America is kind of bullshit because these people don't actually have teaching degrees yet they're sent off to failing schools as if sending people with less training is somehow a good idea. And if these people are so into teaching inner-city kids why don't they just get a real teaching certificate and go get a job there instead of dropping in for a year and slapping it up on their resume?

So, the girl brings up AmeriCorps and the guy says, "oh, I could never do that?"
"Well, they aren't selective at all. I mean, you don't even need a college degree to do that."
"Yeah, but you're still helping people."
"But, I mean, I just think Teach for America would look a lot better on my resume for grad school. Plus they don't really pay you at all. I mean, why should I have to be destitute to do that?"
"Well, I think part of that is to understand the way that the people you're helping are living."
"But, why should I have to be poor to do that? I mean, I knew one guy that did it and he qualified for food stamps. I mean, you're really poor."
Then the conversation turned into how he didn't think it was selfish to only want to do this in an "awesome place like Seattle."
The girl said, "well, you have to go where the people are."
"Yeah, but, I mean, help is needed everywhere."

Alright, so, you're a Christian and your main goals in helping people are to go somewhere cool where they pay you a lot and it looks good on your resume. Awesome. This type of stuff went on and on and it took a lot of strength not to turn to the guy and tell him that I hope he failed at everything as I left.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I heard Sidney's Hairdressing College has a great class coming in

I love the "Steam Room." Too perfect.

On the plus side maybe ISU would actually make the tournament again.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Saints win, Rednecks rejoice

Supposedly this guy made a bet that if the Saints lost to Washington his buddies could shoot his TV. I was skeptical that anyone would be dumb enough to make that bet but after watching the video...eh, I could see it. Whodat!

Sunday, December 06, 2009

Football thoughts

I have to say I really enjoyed Alabama dominating Florida. I had a feeling Bama would win but I didn't see an offensive explosion like that. It's nice that there's only one more game of the Tebow lovefest. I mean, come on, the Bible verses on the eye patches and heading off to third world countries to convert and circumsize the heathens? Give me a break. I was amazed by the statistic they showed that as a starter he is now 2-6 in games that Florida trailed in the 2nd half. After hearing references to all of the comeback wins that Horseface Elway had I guess I figured people might point out that Tebow can't lead his team from behind. Seriously, 2-6? Complete frontrunner.

Speaking of 4th quarter comeback drives I had to laugh about Mack Brown giving tons of credit to Colt McCoy for their winning drive. OK, they started off on the 40 because Nebraska kicked it out of bounds. Then he throws a short pass that the receiver turns into a big gain and Nebraska gets a 15 yard horse collar penalty. McCoy is then sacked twice and almost blows the game by strolling to the line and rolling out before decided to toss the ball 20 yards out of bounds where they need replay to determine they actually have a second left to try a field goal. The stuff of legends indeed. Plus, every time they showed him it looked like he was about to puke so I'm sure that was really inspiring for his teammates.

That had to be one of the ugliest championship games I've ever seen. It seemed like UT's entire offense was to run fly patterns down the sideline and have McCoy throw it a yard out of bounds and NU's was basically to wait for him to throw a pick then just kick a field goal. Not exactly a banner year for the Big 12.

I was rooting for Texas just because fuck Nebraska but it would have been awesome to see them try to hype an Alabama-TCU national title game. Cincy wasn't really that impressive today but still a nice comeback and most of it due to their kick returner who had a hell of a day. Cincy's coach seems like kind of a dick. Mangino replacement?

That 2 point conversion that Fresno State had to beat Illinois has to be one of the most ridiculous plays I've ever seen. What's really amazing to me is that the lineman wasn't even past the line of scrimmage and still managed to catch the ball off the deflection and run it in.

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Results of the "Write Like Sarah Palin" contest

I thought these selections from Slate's contest were pretty funny.

I particularly enjoyed these:
"Here's a little news flash for your Department of Media: Superman's parents chose life and he was adopted in small-town USA by real Americans who run our factories, harvest our meat-bearing animals, and wave Old Glory down at the courthouse and the churches, not in Washington D.C. by cynical power-brokers and liberal scientists."

"Reaching the peak of Igikpak, that majestic mount, feeling the smooth Alaskan wind rustle against my cheeks, watching over this vast yet tender land that epitomized so much of America's resplendent pulchritude, and slowly squeezing the trigger on the wolf cub I'd been tracking through my crosshairs, I suddenly felt in my heart something I had always known to be true: the capital-gains tax must be eliminated."

"In the soft periwinkle glow of the proud Alaskan morning, I awoke from my sweet slumber and sauntered over to the window to gaze longingly at that mysterious, mystical land in the distance that is Russia."

Friday, December 04, 2009

Awesome correction

Saw this on Deadspin.
From the Washington Post:
A Nov. 26 article in the District edition of Local Living incorrectly said a Public Enemy song declared 9/11 a joke. The song refers to 911, the emergency phone number.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Tiger Tiger Woods Ya'll

I finally found some Tiger Woods coverage that I could stand. At least stick around until the scene at 0:58. Hilarious.
Besides the fact that everyone loves a good sex scandal I think the media is really digging this because Woods has basically been a robot his entire career. I mean, this is basically a regular weeknight for John Daly, right? The fact that something this bizarre would be happening with Tiger is really throwing people for a loop. Now ESPN is now going to TMZ for sources and the cops keep showing up to ask him questions about what is basically a minor 1 car accident. Bizarro world.